Sick of men

[Sickofdating]

I have been dating on and off for 20 years, and I have yet to meet a single fully decent man. I've had several long-term relationships, and I've dated lots. And after a while, I’ve come to realise that there is something deeply wrong with almost every single one of them. My female friends, they're amazing. My female colleagues, amazing. I know it’s not universal, women can lie, cheat and be unpleasant.

But even my male friends are questionable now. I have old friends from university, and one of them, for example, has set up a fake email address so he can email me so that his girlfriend doesn't find out. My other close male friend from university locks our conversations at night, so if I message him, I don't appear in his notifications on his phone because he doesn't want his girlfriend to see.

I don’t have anything to hide! It’s mundane normal friendly messaging.

The last man I dated was going through a divorce. He had lied about how long he had been separated from his wife. Another man I met killed his wife. The number of married men at work who try it on. The list goes on.

I meet a lot of people in my life from all walks of life, and the one thing that seems to be pretty universal is that even among the really nice, decent-seeming men, there's always something hidden and wrong.

I also detest how much focus they put on looks and youth. Is there really no man with depth anymore?

YANBU I felt really sad when I understood how much men secretly hate us. I mean why? What the fuck did we ever do to deserve that hatred?

You see how many women on mumsnet despise men because of what they see men have done to them? It's like that, but with the sexes reversed.

@ofcolitas it’s not that men hate women, men of a certain age just know how it works, using sex as a weapon is probably the single most annoying thing that women do, look at the amount of stories on here where the intimacy has faded (not just physically) and the relationship/marriage has gone stale, most of the time it’s all lust to begin with because it’s the best way to get your life plan started and to hook him in (men are fickle and easy), once the plan has been executed and your happily married with 2.4 children the intimacy stops, he gets bored, you get bored and one or both of you decide you want something different.

Yes there are men who behave badly. There are also men who are kind, considerate, generous and with lovely manners (looking at you ex husband). Not perfect mind, but a decent person. There are woman who behave badly. For example me. Treated many men very badly indeed. Won't go into that. Took me till my fifties to be diagnosed with CPTSD from chaotic and scary childhood. Wasn't able to get help till after my parents died for various reasons. I have much to apologise for. Hurt many good men.

So I'm not saying there are not 'bad' men - there are of course. I dated a few and got hurt. However woman can be difficult/damaged/emotionally unavailable as well. Both can be secretive and liars.

I do think men find it quite easy to compartmentalize their lives and keep secrets from their other halves. I think they think about things/want to do things that would horrify most woman and only polite society/rules stop them.

I’ve got a slight feeling that if every man you’ve ever met has been horrible their might be a common denominator. There is nobody perfect in the world and if you’re always looking for flaws you will inevitably find them. And the vice versa is true.

Gosh most of the men I know and have been in relationships with were perfectly normal decent people. One of my friend’s DH is a bully and another can get a bit handsy when he’s had too many and my sisters ex was an asshole but that’s it - the ones with good husbands outnumber the bad. I only know four friends who have actually divorced, and two of those because they simply grew apart, one because she cheated, and the other because he was a jerk and she’d had enough.

I have to say it but yeah...

You think you've found a semi OK one and then BAM they have a gambling addiction.

Like even this nice ones there's something mental hidden.

To be fair, I like my men young too xD but mostly because once they get to mid 30s or before it genuinely is all beer bellies and balding. Where as women on online dating seem to actually take care of themselves.

I figure if they are going to be bad or mental or whatever, then the least they can be is cute...but...they aren't xD

Up until a very short time ago, I would have said that a lot of men are just crap but there are some good ones out there, like my husband. We've been married for decades and he has been my best friend, my soul mate, the person who has always had my back. A wonderful father and grandfather. Truly is one of the good guys. Every other man in my life has disappointed me in huge ways, but my husband has remained strong and steady and kind.

That's what I have thought for decades. I very recently found AI generated photos of young girls on his computer. He has had this perversion for our entire marriage, and an entirely secret online life that I knew nothing about. There have been absolutely no signs or red flags - looking back I can't see anything that I would now question or feel I had overlooked. Had I not seen the images with my own eyes I would have not believed it. Even after I saw them it took me a while to believe it wasn't some sort of mistake. He had such clear moral integrity, there is no way my lovely husband would do this. He admitted it all when confronted so there is no question of it being anything other than what it is.

I am sure there are some decent men out there, but then again I was 100% positive my husband was one of them. I no longer trust my judgement about anything. I am now facing an incredibly uncertain future and am terrified I will live out my remaining years in poverty due to this man.

I'm 40 now and my experiences aren't great. My most recent partner seems ok, I just hope that it stays that way.

I have had some lovely relationships with men - relationships I grew out of. I've also had some awful ones, and some nice ones that grew to be awful.

There's a whole spectrum of men out there.

But now, single and over sixty, I have decided not to date again. I've been asked out by some very nice men but I like my life as it is now, so someone else can have them.

Geeeeez I had to step in here.
Won't have the men in my life slandered. My dad and my partner- both amazing men. Full stop.

And to the @Sickofdating I worked in a male dominated environment for many many years and never ever came across the extremes you are describing. I work now with a mix of males and females and aside from a few close female friends id rather spend time with the men any day!

I also dabbled in OLD before I met my now DP in the wild and again never had any of the issues you describe. Met genuinely nice men, no cat fish etc no incels.....

Yes ive encountered some sexism when in the male dominated industry but it was the minority and I had other men leap to my defence.

I think its interesting in your post you cite you are friends with men who hide contact with you from their girlfriends. I wouldnt be friends with anyone like this male or female. Maybe thats something you need to look at?

'What appears to be coming at you is actually coming from you.'

I have been single for almost 9 years now after my ex left me for an 18 year old girl he met at work, We had been together for 26 years and the moment he left I knew I wouldn't ever be with anyone again. Still have no desire to have a relationship.

I used to be the moderator on an online chat room and it's put me off men for life.. If you want to know what men are like then spend some time on a chat site.. 99 per cent of the messages i got were from married men, men in relationships, men who have just had kids etc.

I would get messages from men giving the usual 'we no longer sleep together' 'we sleep in seperate rooms' 'we are only together because of the kids' but the ones that stick out in my mind are the ones that say stuff like 'My wife is in the shower so I only have a few minutes' 'my wife has nipped out to the shop' 'Wife has left for work so now it's time for some fun' 'Wife no longer puts out due to menopause' and the worst.. 'My wife gave birth two weeks and and still isn't putting out so here I am'

The way they talk about women on these sites..they call their wives 'slags' 'whores' etc. and yes a LOT of them want to share 'unaware' pics of their wives with other men on the site, they share face pics, normal pics of their wives, say from behind in a queue in a supermarket, holiday pics in bikinis and nudes with and without face in it.. this is not allowed on my site and they get banned but doesn't stop them asking and sharing face pics in the main chat before they get banned.

Always makes me laugh when i see someone on here say something along the lines of 'My husband would never do something like that' yes, they would and they do.

I wouldn't have another man near me ever again and I have never been as happy as I am now, single with my cats and my own place.

Quite. Glad you wrote this, saved me from having to do it.

You need to be quite close to someone before you uncover the 'wrong' stuff about them. More than bring close friends.

Maybe if you dated your female friends you'd uncover some unpleasant stuff about them too.

that is the most disgusting thing when you have the balls (ironic) to degrade other people's husbands. other peoples sons and brother. people you don't know. what goddess are you to spew such unquestionable truths? we are all so sorry you had to witness absolute scumbags talking disgustingly on online forums. if you used your critical thinking abilities it would make you think maybe that online chatrooms are not a good representation of the entirety of the world. because let me tell you a certain type of a man, happily married respectful of his wife and family etc will not necessarily feel the need to be online in chat rooms. ever thought about that? that the premise itself attract a majority of shits? and your ex left you for a younger girl. my son and my husband have nothing to do with that and just because your ex did that that does not give you the right to judge people you don't know. enjoy living with your cats nobody is forcing you to be with a man but to pretend that half of the planets are scum just because some men hurt your feelings is the most egoistic tone deaf attitude to have.

people like you should understand that yes your negative experience is valid but it will not become big universal truths. you are not the centre of the world.

Or maybe if they are acting shady (hiding messages or setting up fake email addresses) their partners spidey senses are tingling.

You have absolutely no idea whatsoever that their girlfriends are 'so awful' 🙄

Not everything can be linked back to being a woman's fault.

Your post is really nasty and you sound totally triggered by something OP has said.
Maybe you have more doubts about your DH that you first thought? 🤷🏻‍♀️

Or you're maybe even - gasp- a man! 😁

I wonder what vibes you're giving off. I've managed 30+ years at work without anyone hitting on me. You seem to have a lot of bad luck in that regard.

Maybe it's my age now but even back then when there was no shortage of sexist attitudes.

I wonder what vibes you're giving off. I’m not giving off any vibes. Of course blame the woman just because your experience doesn’t align. Don’t blame the marked men who actively come onto me. Trust me, I don’t want most men, let alone married men. I shut them down instantly.

do you think school girls who are followed home by men are giving off vibes?

yes I am very nasty. condemning half the population with one swipe and being 100% sure they are all scum is not disgusting right? I feel very triggered by know-it-alls who are self absorbed enough to believe their opinions are facts. I am extra defensive when it comes to the men in my life, especially my sons. being so sure that all the lovely husbands are horrible just because someone above says so. well excuse me. some of us do have lovely husbands. and wonderful, bright, polite and kind sons. This disgusting way of talking about people we don't even know is exactly what those empty-headed Andrew Tate-like red pill bros are doing in reverse. things like this are just sad.

that's the point. that you don't know which one. because there are shit men and shit women in the world.

Yes.

This thread is about shit men.

there is a difference between saying there are shit men as opposed to saying all men are shit. nobody would argue the first one. that is a fact.