Not all couples talk?

[whomoon]

I broke my friends trust, by mistake, and told my DH a conversation my friend and I had.

I had been out with my friend for a meal and we were chatting about something she’s considering doing and wanted my advice. We haven’t seen each other in nearly a year, and it’s something she has been considering doing since we last met, so it was a continuation almost of that conversation.

when I got home to DH, he asked how my friend was so I just shared what we talked about. He gave some good insights and advice and I texted my friend to share what my DH thought.

Friend said I shouldn’t have told him, told me he shouldn’t repeat it to anyone (they’ve met once, no mutual friends) and that she told me it in confidence.

I don’t recall being told it was in confidence but accepted and apologised for my mistake. However it got me thinking, I would assume a married couple shared things with each other? If I told a friend something, I would assume she would share it with her DH as they’re married. If it was so intensely private, I just wouldn’t share it with my friend.

My DH said some couples just don’t talk. is that the case in your couples? I know I was wrong for sharing something my friend didn’t want sharing, and the reason I shared something flippantly with my DH is I deemed it not a sensitive topic, hence freely texting her my DH’s advice not thinking it was an issue to share.

It made me curious if we’re too open with each other and shouldn’t talk about others? But surely people do? It’s like saying ‘I’m not supposed to tell you so pretend you don’t know’ which is blatantly lying.

I don’t know, interested to see the dynamic in other couples.

I don’t assume things are confidential unless I’m told it is. I assume things I talk to my friends about they may tell their partners. If I want something to be kept confidential then I would ask my friend not to share it with anyone including their partner, or I wouldn’t confide in them in the first place.

I assume most married couples talk about their friends and issues in your example. However if it's particularly sensitive or confidential I wouldn't tell DH. (or at most I'd be vague , eg poor Sandra is having a tough time at the moment. )

I wouldnt say its that other couples dont talk, more that they hold different boundaries. I might tell my partner about conversations with friends if it waa relevant, but unless asked, I wouldn't feedback to that friend. Talking about conversations like that is gossiping really and often my partner and I have better things to talk about than gossip.

If you tell me it I will tell dh. Even if you tell me it’s confidential, because he’s my dh. If it’s confidential I’ll tell (and trust him) to not pass it on. I thought most people accepted that if you said something to one half of a married couple then they both would know, I’d assume that to be the case with any of my married friends. However, I think it’s a social faux pas to highlight that you’ve told dh. That makes the other person feel awkward.

It should be assumed that a person will share everything with their spouse. Couples talk about their friends. It’s not realistic to expect someone to withhold things from their spouse.

BUT it would probably have been better if you hadn’t advertised to your friend the fact that you and your DH discussed her personal issue among yourselves at home. She didn’t ask for your DH’s advice after all.

You’re right with saying it was a social faux pas, it really was. I don’t know why I text her, I think I was still running on a high from our meet up and just wanted to share some more advice. I can understand it will make her feel awkward.

But it’s reassuring from your comment and previous posters that it is common to share with your DH.

Yep, absolutely right. I’m so used to getting my DH’s advice and insight I didn’t think that it wasn’t actually asked by my friend.
It’s given me something to think about

You essentially told your friend “oh Dave and I have just had a good old chat behind your back - here’s the meeting notes for info”. I can see how that wouldn’t land well. Most of us talk to our dh’s although if friend was getting a new fence panel, dh would not care… or lip fillers, dh wouldn’t be interested. Shockingly relationships vary.

It’s hard to tell without understanding the topics as that’s fairly important as to whether she should have said “this is in confidence” or if it was obvious. Hard to tell from the op.

Yeah, I mean I tell my dh stuff even if I’m not meant to 🙊. He's no blabbermouth so I don't fear him being indiscreet. I'd be careful about relaying I’d spoken to him though as I wouldn't want my friend to know I'm a blabbermouth! 😂

I wouldn't care that you told your husband, but I would be extremely pissed off that you felt the need to relay back mansplaining advice from a random bloke I had met once. Absolutely no need.

I would be extremely pissed off that you felt the need to relay back mansplaining advice from a random bloke I had met once. Absolutely no need. 💯

This is awful. If someone told me something in confidence I’d respect that. It’s none of my partner’s business!

I do not share a brain cell with DH. This means that I don’t come home from seeing a friend and blurt out the entire conversation. It also means that I don’t then feed all of our discussion back to the friend, making her aware we’ve just been discussing the ins and outs of her life, under the impression that she will greet his advice as pure gold.

I share lots of stuff with DP. I don't share everything with DP, especially if it's not my information to share.

My best friend has been going through a really shit few years. Divorce, death of a parent, along with other stuff. She's been suicidal at times.

DP knows the facts of it. But she doesn't know the works, the emotions, just how much my friend has been struggling. There's no way my friend would have told me half the stuff she's going through if she thought I'd just go tell DP as soon as I got home

This was interesting to me -

I would assume she would share it with her DH as they’re married. If it was so intensely private, I just wouldn’t share it with my friend

Why would you assume this? Because you share everything with yours? You know every person and relationship isn’t the same right?

I think it’s interesting that you assume everyone naturally shares bc you do, and rather than seek a friend’s support and advice about something big you’d keep it to yourself bc you’d assume they wouldn’t respect your privacy and keep it to themselves. That’s pretty sad to me and makes for a very insular life involving just you and your husband/ whoever else you share other ppl’s personal information with.

Your husband is right.

I can see why she was annoyed. Unless she was saying, I wish I knew what a man would think of my decision but I don’t know any to ask - then there was no need to go home, relay it all to your husband and send his advice.

I certainly wouldn’t have gone back with my DH’s advice even if I did tell them. I can see why she was upset about that.

I think it's a bit poor to share everything your friends say with your husband. They're your friends not his.

Sure, OK to share the headlines like "yeah we talked about her holiday and her job", but the details belong between friends.

You could have said to your friend, "do you mind if I ask hubby about this, I feel like he'd have good suggestions?" But to just tell him all her business is a bit rubbish.

I mean - this is the only advice you need OP.

My sister was surprised when she found out that I don’t relay everything to DH. She assumed naturally it would be the case. I feel confiding in someone is a sign of trust. Many updates people tell me is not my news to share.

I don’t ask my DH details on what he talks about with his friends. We both have conversations where it matters and don’t need to divulge everything and I don’t need to pick through his conversations.

I am an extremely private person however so that is how I also deal with others, I wouldn’t also blab to others about what DH and I have discussed if sensitive or about our DC and not for a wide audience.

We do talk about tons of other things and we have been together for 20 years.

I share everything that matters with my partner and I know he would never repeat it. My friends know that I tell him and they trust him anyway.

My mum used to tell me things and tell me not to tell my partner as she liked to have secrets with everyone and cause division. Thats not for me so I’m glad I have friends who don’t expect it.

Totally depends what is it...

"Darling, Claire's got raging thrush from a hot tub" - probably not.

"Honey, Trish and Roger are moving into a commune because they are really into group sex and patchouli' - defo.

Being married has nothing to do with how much couples talk 😂😂😂

And yes you 100 percent shouldn’t have passed unwanted man advice. We get enough of that.

My husband and I tell each other everything and I always work under the assumption others will do the same when sharing things about myself, but never in a million years would I let someone know that my husband and I had been talking about it let alone pass on advice - I suppose unless maybe it specifically related to his line of work or something, but even then I’d have said “shall I ask DH as he works with XYZ”