Not all couples talk?

[whomoon]

I broke my friends trust, by mistake, and told my DH a conversation my friend and I had.

I had been out with my friend for a meal and we were chatting about something she’s considering doing and wanted my advice. We haven’t seen each other in nearly a year, and it’s something she has been considering doing since we last met, so it was a continuation almost of that conversation.

when I got home to DH, he asked how my friend was so I just shared what we talked about. He gave some good insights and advice and I texted my friend to share what my DH thought.

Friend said I shouldn’t have told him, told me he shouldn’t repeat it to anyone (they’ve met once, no mutual friends) and that she told me it in confidence.

I don’t recall being told it was in confidence but accepted and apologised for my mistake. However it got me thinking, I would assume a married couple shared things with each other? If I told a friend something, I would assume she would share it with her DH as they’re married. If it was so intensely private, I just wouldn’t share it with my friend.

My DH said some couples just don’t talk. is that the case in your couples? I know I was wrong for sharing something my friend didn’t want sharing, and the reason I shared something flippantly with my DH is I deemed it not a sensitive topic, hence freely texting her my DH’s advice not thinking it was an issue to share.

It made me curious if we’re too open with each other and shouldn’t talk about others? But surely people do? It’s like saying ‘I’m not supposed to tell you so pretend you don’t know’ which is blatantly lying.

I don’t know, interested to see the dynamic in other couples.

I share very general chit chat about friends but nothing contentious. For example a friend has been going through a horrific divorce, it took 3 years. I would do a general poor X is still having an awful time but I haven’t gone in to how she is having therapy and how much debt she got in to because of solicitor's fees.

The real issue is you let her know you had been talking about her, if your DH was a specialist in the advice she needs then that’s the one time I can see it being helpful.

Anything you tell someone you have to assume they will tell their spouse, if you don’t want them to know then don’t say anything to anyone.

I wouldn't worry. When you see her in 12 months time, she won't tell you anything. 😬

I share most things with do, mostly because I don’t know anything that 8nteresting. But he’s fairly indiscreet so there’s some stuff I’ll keep back even if I haven’t been asked to. Other stuff I’ll use judgement, if he’s never going to meet them for example…. But if it’s confidential, I won’t.

but I do tend to assume a friend talks to their partner….

Same. I’m so shocked at some of these replies. I guess we know who the ones with the joint Facebook profiles are 🤦🏻‍♀️.

I assume people feel free tell their partners most things, eg I recently told DH a mutual friend has cancer after she had said 'tell nobody'. But I would not normally pass on unsolicited advice, that could be annoying.

😂😂

For those saying that they will tell their partner everything, even if a friend asks you to keep it to yourself… do you stop your friend before they tell you the thing and let them know you don’t plan on keeping this from your partner? Or do you let them tell you and just go home and tell your partner anyway? If you tell your friend and they choose to tell you anyway, that’s fine. If you don’t, you are are out of order. You need to tell them every-time, unless you see them very frequently, as they may not remember.

I would never tell anyone something that has been said to me in confidence, with the only exception being if I think they are a danger to themselves or others. In that case, I wouldn’t be gossiping to my husband, I’d be going to the right professional for the situation. But even then, I would tell my friend what I was going to do, and encourage them to seek help themselves.

OP don’t beat yourself up. You have apologised, there’s not much more that you can do now. You know for another time not to share someone else’s news/problems without their permission.

I tell DH pretty much everything so I likely would have told him too, but you were completely daft to frame it as advice from your husband, of course she got her back up.

If something is sensitive or questionable I don’t tell my DH and vice versa

if my DH has been told something by friends about their lives or partners and he’s unsure I tell him not to tell me. Or to be vague or discuss consequences

I try to protect my friends reputations so generally use this as a guide whether it’s in confidence or not.

I’d be really annoyed and upset if my friend blabbed my business to her husband or partner.

those saying your tell your DH everything?

Do you tell him that your mates are trying a new type of Pilates or started getting really bad period clots or is peri or has an ingrown toenail or there’s a new hottie in mates office?

or is it actually just the good or gossipy stuff?

I would not pass on private details a friend had shared. The default setting is keep it to yourself if it's sensitive. Your husband is a stranger to her. It's none of his business! Why would he care anyway, if he doesn't know her?
I'm a bit shocked that most people would share everything without asking.
Passing on his advice is an absolute no no, unless it's his professional area in which case I'd say shall I ask Trevor to advise, or something like that. It's different if both of you are friends with her.
I doubt she'll share anything with you in future knowing it will go straight to your husband.

I’m equally good friends with both parties in a married couple. I’ve never discussed each other to each other, and they’ve never discussed me (to the extent that I get annoyed at repeating myself sometimes 😂). We’ve never made those rules, I just thought that was how it was.

I didn't tell my DH things told me in confidence. And I know he didn't to me either. Only if it involved his family - in which case I would say "You don't know this but..."

There’s a big difference between ‘couples who don’t talk’ and ‘couples who respect the privacy of their friends’.

I certainly talk to my DP. But I absolutely would not tell him really personal or sensitive stuff that my friends had revealed to me in confidence because it’s not mine to share. For example, I might say ‘Friend A and her husband have separated and he’s moved out’ but I wouldn’t say ‘Friend A and her husband have separated and he’s moved out because they haven’t had sex for five years and he finally told her that he doesn’t fancy her any more because she’s gained weight, but she says she only gained weight through comfort eating because she lacks self esteem due to him not paying her any attention, and also she’s recently met someone at work who has been flirting with her and to be honest she says that’s been a wake up call for her that she is still attractive and she’s considering a FWB type fling’.

I wouldn't dream of passing on all my friends' confidential information to my husband. It would feel extremely disloyal of me to do so. They are my friends, not his. I'm a person in my own right rather than being joined at the hip to a man and unable to function without telling him every single thought that goes through my mind.

I have friends who have had abortions, been treated for various physical and mental illnesses, had affairs, and many other things, and I've managed to cope just fine with dealing with that information by myself. Very often passing on confidences to other people under the pretext of needing support is just an excuse for gossip.

It's been a revelation to me over the years to read on Mumsnet how many people think it's fine to share their friends' secrets with their partners, often without even asking the friend first whether that is ok. It's certainly not my definition of friendship.

It really depends what it is as to how bad this is. I might sometimes share something with DH but I would never in a million years tell the person that I'd been talking about them! Literally nobody wants to feel like people are talking about their lives with other people.

@WaryHiker 100% agree with you. Well said

I am very selective about what I share with my friends anyway, as once something is said, it is rarely forgotten, and I have no power over who they share what I have said to. I doubt Men have this problem, in general.

Hear, hear. There’s a big difference between saying ‘Emmas’s thinking of buying a greenhouse’ and ‘Emma’s struggling to come to terms with her husband’s infidelity’. I don’t have a single friend who would automatically pass on the latter to a partner.

Couples do talk, but not about other people's private issues, surely? I wouldn't dream of sharing a friend's personal matters with my husband, and as for texting back his opinion.... just no. You need to respect people's right to privacy, in exactly the same way as (I hope!) you wouldn't share your husband's personal issues with your friends! Discretion is the key.

Yes, it’s deeply weird that the premise seems to be either that you sit in silence or that you blab about your friends’ private disclosures.

I 100% disagree. I have been with my husband for 40 years, but we are still two independent people. Confidential means confidential. There are plenty of things I haven't told him and, no doubt, vice versa. Being a couple does not give anyone the right to gossip and betray confidences.

DH knows everything. I assume that everyone knows that if they tell one of us, the other knows, but yeah I don't specifically say "DH said you should do x". If I think the advice would help if say "thinking about your thing, have you thought about doing xyz?"