Not all couples talk?

[whomoon]

I broke my friends trust, by mistake, and told my DH a conversation my friend and I had.

I had been out with my friend for a meal and we were chatting about something she’s considering doing and wanted my advice. We haven’t seen each other in nearly a year, and it’s something she has been considering doing since we last met, so it was a continuation almost of that conversation.

when I got home to DH, he asked how my friend was so I just shared what we talked about. He gave some good insights and advice and I texted my friend to share what my DH thought.

Friend said I shouldn’t have told him, told me he shouldn’t repeat it to anyone (they’ve met once, no mutual friends) and that she told me it in confidence.

I don’t recall being told it was in confidence but accepted and apologised for my mistake. However it got me thinking, I would assume a married couple shared things with each other? If I told a friend something, I would assume she would share it with her DH as they’re married. If it was so intensely private, I just wouldn’t share it with my friend.

My DH said some couples just don’t talk. is that the case in your couples? I know I was wrong for sharing something my friend didn’t want sharing, and the reason I shared something flippantly with my DH is I deemed it not a sensitive topic, hence freely texting her my DH’s advice not thinking it was an issue to share.

It made me curious if we’re too open with each other and shouldn’t talk about others? But surely people do? It’s like saying ‘I’m not supposed to tell you so pretend you don’t know’ which is blatantly lying.

I don’t know, interested to see the dynamic in other couples.

I definitely wouldn't have texted soemone with my DH's advice, but yes, most things I would share with DH if it felt like something relevant. I would expect confidentiality, and would give it back, if a friend asked for that specifically which has happened a couple of times over the years, but overall, yes, I talk to my DH and vice versa.

But it's definitely an unwritten rule that if you tell your partner something that partner can not act or behave in anyway as if they know this thing at any point.

On a lighter note, a friend's Dh took this a bit further than I expected recently where I told her something that I definitely didn't consider that confidential and I 100% expected her ot tell her DH so I was a bit surprised when I mentioned it in front of him and he didn't say anything. Then later he said he thougt he wasn't supposed ot say anything. He's a bit socially clueless, admittedly!

No, my husband and I talk in confidence to each other but the things you mentioned he just wouldn’t be interested in.
If a friend had a problem then they would know that I would discuss it with my husband but as with others, he would keep the confidence.

If I am asked not to share, I don't, not even with DH.
I still have confidences I was told about 15 years ago, I don't see that person anymore, but I still have said nothing to anyone.

Interesting thread. I definitely tell DW a lot that I discuss with my friends, and I also ask for her opinion on things, but I wouldn’t then go back and acknowledge to the original friend that I’d relayed our conversation. I also don’t pass on absolutely everything, if something is clearly deeply personal I don’t think to pass it on just for the sake of it. I also don’t really like to gossip outside of my relationship (always assume people will speak about you the same way they speak about others) so there’s less of a compulsion to share everything I think.

There is a difference between not talking to your partner and not telling your partner your friends business.

if someone confides in me I don’t spread the information to anyone else, that’s just gossip

I tell my DH about most conversations I have with friends. I trust him implicitly. Sometimes he will have some really helpful insights that hadn't occurred to me and I may feed them back to my friend, but I will pretend they're my own!

I'd never tell someone I'd been talking about them behind their back. That's bound to make them feel weird.

YANBU - unless I’m told that something is confidential I tell my DH most things I talk about with my friends. It’s certainly not in a gossip way, but just in a general chit-chat way.

Likewise, if I tell my friends something I fully expect they will tell their partner/husband so I always specify to them if I want something kept confidential.

It must mean that a lot of people simply don’t ever tell you anything, as they don’t want Dave whom they barely know to know about it.

Glad you're not my friend. 🙄

I don't understand people who can't keep things to themselves. It's fine if it's not a secret but even if they asked you not to and you'd still tell him? That's rotten behaviour.

Totally agree. If what I thought was a good friend shared my private info with their partner having been told it was confidential, they’d be relegated to an acquaintance level friendship or dumped.

It’s incredibly poor behaviour.

In my friendship circles most people would know a confidence also included husbands but would not go any further.
It does not stop friends sharing problems.

And is your friendship largely composed of empty-headed little gossips who simply can’t fathom not running off home to share sensitive information with Dave, who somehow doesn’t count as breaking a confidence because you’re married?

I honestly couldn’t give two hoots what my friends husband thoughts on my situation are and I imagine my friends would all be the same, I have no idea why you’d think she wanted to hear that unless she asked?

But yes I tell my husband pretty much everything. If my friend told me something extremely sensitive and traumatic I wouldn’t pass it on but pretty much everything else, yes. I would expect that my friends tell their husbands what I tell them too. I wouldn’t expect them to feed back his opinion though!

I don’t think this has anything to do with couples not talking, more your weirdness at thinking your husbands opinion is so important you must tell your friend about it. You’ve just told her you were gossiping about her behind her back.

At the most if I thought my husband had made a really good point I hadn’t thought of and she needed to know I’d tell her I’ve been thinking about it and pose his point as my own.

How do you know it doesn’t stop people sharing problems? They could easily be keeping things from you!

I don’t. If someone doesn’t want me to share with my husband then they can ask someone else. However one friend who had a problem asked if my husband could write a few letters for her. He is good at this.

I wouldn’t assume something was confidential unless the person asked me specifically to not tell anyone (or it was obviously so personal that it clear it would be confidential).
I also assume the same the other way - if I don’t want someone to tell other people, I specify that.

No, we don't share. If I'm out with friend and they tell me things, that's between us. My DP will ask if X was ok, I'll say "going through a bit of a hard time" or "on good form" and that's it. Same for my DP.

I don't agree with telling partners absolutely everything that is going on in my friend's lives. If they want to share it, they will (if they are friendly).

Updating on generic things is fine, but being in a partnership doesn't mean that you are one person and have to share everything. Friends news/updates can be private and I believe that you should respect that.

If it's anything remotely personal like health, relationship or finance stuff, I check whether I can tell my husband. Only once has the answer been no. But then we're all quite open and regularly meet up as couples so there's friendship between my husband and my friends as well.

I wouldn’t. For a start he wouldn’t be interested. What does he care about the random troubles of someone he met once? It would be weird to share it with him.

If a friend explicitly asked me not to tell anyone, I wouldn't, including my husband.

I might ask 'does that include DH?' but if they said not to tell him, I would respect that.

My desire to share things with my husband doesn't trump my friend's privacy.

Generally though, I would assume things are OK to share unless they say so.

You did nothing wrong on this occasion - your friend didn't ask you to keep it quiet.

I think you're our over simplifying.

Some things should need a caveat of privacy.
If my friend told me about problems with her sex life for example, common sense and decency would tell me not to talk about it.
If my friend had got a new job, then I'd assume that's OK to talk about.
I wouldn't walk in and be like "omg so Miranda and Jack haven't had sex in 6 months, she's left her job cos her Boss is a dick and she ordered two plates of sushi for dinner, they're getting a new car next year and this is the entirety of our conversation reported to you for your satisfaction! "

DH is our with a mate tonight, il lask how hi and the wife and daughter are, I'll get generalised answer. I wouldn't expect more.

I find it odd when couples feel that thry literally have to know every single thing their partner knows else their marriage is full of lives

So you don't trust them to apy common sense? Why would your husband even want to know about their intimate and personal details?

Why is your husband even interested in my sex life, my thrush, my constipation, things that happened on my childhood, what colour I want to due my hair, how my husband couldn't get it up last night, what I'm eating for dinner next week, why my kids mates mom annoys me, what my Mom did to freak out my sister? Why would you even need to share it?