Not all couples talk?

[whomoon]

I broke my friends trust, by mistake, and told my DH a conversation my friend and I had.

I had been out with my friend for a meal and we were chatting about something she’s considering doing and wanted my advice. We haven’t seen each other in nearly a year, and it’s something she has been considering doing since we last met, so it was a continuation almost of that conversation.

when I got home to DH, he asked how my friend was so I just shared what we talked about. He gave some good insights and advice and I texted my friend to share what my DH thought.

Friend said I shouldn’t have told him, told me he shouldn’t repeat it to anyone (they’ve met once, no mutual friends) and that she told me it in confidence.

I don’t recall being told it was in confidence but accepted and apologised for my mistake. However it got me thinking, I would assume a married couple shared things with each other? If I told a friend something, I would assume she would share it with her DH as they’re married. If it was so intensely private, I just wouldn’t share it with my friend.

My DH said some couples just don’t talk. is that the case in your couples? I know I was wrong for sharing something my friend didn’t want sharing, and the reason I shared something flippantly with my DH is I deemed it not a sensitive topic, hence freely texting her my DH’s advice not thinking it was an issue to share.

It made me curious if we’re too open with each other and shouldn’t talk about others? But surely people do? It’s like saying ‘I’m not supposed to tell you so pretend you don’t know’ which is blatantly lying.

I don’t know, interested to see the dynamic in other couples.

If friends said something sensitive about health or sex life I wouldn't share that and DH wouldn't want to know either.

But I don't keep secrets from him and not sharing feels like lying by omission to me (however, I am not saying it is lying, just a feeling that I personally get), so I share whatever comes up in conversation with him.

If someone tells me something is confidential and not to tell DH, I would say don't tell me either, but honestly it's never come up.

I can only assume that there's an inherent level of distrust in the marriage or so little going on in their own lives or so little personal relationship that thry have nothing else to talk about.

I hate it. I’m the single friend, and every time I read ‘I’ve spoken to hubby and he thinks XYZ’ it’s like thanks, I really want your 48 year old husbands opinion on my personal life. Sometimes I think their husbands reply to me on their behalf, something about the tone..,

I generally tell my partner unless a friend asks me to keep it between us. For example, me and DH have a mutual friend who once shared with me and another friend that he was bi and had dated men (no one knows this. He is now married to a woman and has always dated women). I have never told DH and never will because the friend said to keep it confidential!

So I do keep things confidential for my friends, but only if they explicitly ask me to, and it's pretty rare tbh.

To add to this - I wouldn’t automatically tell DH, he probably wouldn’t be that interested!
I just wouldn’t assume it was a secret if it came up naturally somehow because we were having a related conversation at some point. Like if we were talking about a specific (but not overly personal) topic, and it’s relevant to say “oh yeah, Friend was talking about this. She said xxx”.

⬆️ I would feel like this too. But don’t berate yourself OP. You’re already reflecting on it.
I don’t expect my mates not to tell their husbands stuff about me, but equally I’d rather they didn’t tell me they had and then pass on his advice. And I would expect the DH to not disclose anything he’d heard to anyone else.

I had a situation once years ago where I shared some personal information with a dear friend. She told her DH, who told his friend (my ex-boyfriend), who casually raised it when I saw him - I was so, so annoyed. Not because it was anything bad, but it was my information to share, not my friend’s DH’s!

Definitely tread carefully in future.

Absolutely this. Behold, here's the opinion of a man you don't know- no thanks.
I'd be backing away from the friendship if I were her.

I think it is weird that you’d think your friend would want advice from your DH if they’ve barely even met. If she’s single, then it would likely have been even more annoying to her.

There’s lots of different types of relationships in life. Friendships should be valued equally as important as a romantic relationship. If your DH told you something private, you wouldn’t tell a friend. It should be the same vice-versa. Friends may also be the longest relationship of your life - not the romantic relationship,

I don’t share my friends’ personal stuff with him DH or anyone. I assume anything is confidential unless specifically stated. Why would he want to know anyway? If a friend was considering doing something in an area my DH could help with - I would ask them if they wanted me to him.

I promise, not all of us have husbands so insecure or bored with their own loves that we have to share every detail of everyone I know.

see, that's the correct default.

its complicated - me and DH tell each other most stuff. We always highlight if something is confidential so we know not to say anything to anyone else.
We do have quite a few mutual friends though so sometimes we wouldn't tell each other things friends have said about their spouses who are also our friends otherwise it is awkward.
For example a friend of mine was going to tell her husband she wanted a divorce. I knew before she had that conversation with him and then they kept it hush hush for about a year for various reasons. I did not say anything to DH as he interacts with the husband in a volunteering role and I felt it was up to the husband when he wanted that part of his life to know. He was gobsmacked when he did tell them and realised DH didnt have a clue though as he knew I had known for a while!

Weirdly, this is very pertinent to me at the moment, because DH is very annoyed I didn't share something his ex SIL (married to his brother) told me back in 2022. She told me his DBro was abusive (they split up in 2020) and I didn't share it with DH at the time, because she asked me not to. It came out in a discussion last night as SIL has been doing some strange behaviours re DNephew recently and has lied about things, so I was reading out loud some strange lies she'd said to me in messages.

DH had a strong reaction last night and we have been in conflict about it today via messages. I have somehow simultaneously not shared enough info and also making it about me apparently🙄DH has a habit of lashing out at me when upsetting things happen in his family, he isn't a talker and just goes very quiet and then turns stuff into me being the bastard. So that was likely my thinking for not sharing at the time, as well as her asking me not to share something so personal. I won't be getting stung like that again, especially being accused as making it about me, and I will now be saying NOTHING to DH about his family from now on so yes, some couples don't talk!

That's weird though - how is it lying by omission? It's your friend's information and updates, it has literally nothing to do with your marriage. It's not about you, it's not your information to share, he doesn't have a right or need to know.

It's fine to share the headlines like "oh we had a laugh today, Sophie's on top of the world, she's got a promotion" or something, but why would you go into the nitty gritty? Why would he even care?

His Dbro isn't the only abuser in his family by the sound of it. You don't have to tolerate him lashing out at you. He's meant to cherish you.

im sorry, it sounds like it isn't just ex sil with an abusive relationship

Agree with this.

It's like posters who come on here to say what their husband thinks as if it's Gospel.

Do you tell DH everything about friends and colleagues, or only when it’s juicy gossip OP?

DH would be bored if I kept updating him about what my friends are up to.

It's like posters who come on here to say what their husband thinks as if it's Gospel

😂😂😂 so true in real life too

To me couples are a social unit. I always tell my DH things and expect that people I tell things to will tell their own partner UNLESS they or I have specifically asked me to keep it to myself. YANBU.

also, I've been thinking on this all day, your basic premise is so rude.

of course couples talk. they just don't all talk about their friends private matters. I can talk to DH about the world, our kids, his job, movies, TV, our parents, lots of stuff.

is gossiping about your mates really all you and DH can talk about?

A social unit, sure, in that they usually aren’t having sex with other people, may be married or cohabit, and/or be raising children together. A social unit in that one is completely incapable of not running to the other with anything they’re not sworn to secrecy about? Nope. I don’t know anyone who does this.

well my husband said this is nonsense and women's forums are much richer for having some sensible and practical advice from men because men are so much smarter!

then why are you even going out without him? iif your "social unit" is such that he needs to know everything that someone else is telling you, why not just insist he MUST come with you because you're basically one person 🙄🙄

To me couples are a social unit. I always tell my DH things and expect that people I tell things to will tell their own partner UNLESS they or I have specifically asked me to keep it to myself. I’m far more discerning and respectful - and don’t need explicit permission. I can figure it out but I have high emotional IQ

DH will spill about his mates to me but I tend to not tell him the girls business unless it’s specifically something he could help advise on. Even then I’ll normally be like “hay he has X relevant experience so do you mind if I ask him?”