Feeling hurt about daughter favouring her mother-in-law over me

[bunnny]

Feeling upset about daughter spending all her time with her mother in law. Since having her daughter she is always with her mother in law. Even though myself and her mother share the child care since she has gone back to work 4 years ago. I have never been thanked or appreciated. I love my granddaughter very much but I feel really hurt. I take my granddaughter everywhere with me on days out etc and we always have a lovely time. But I feel really hurt when my daughter and her mil go out together. Somthing I have never been asked. Also I am never asked to stay for dinner after a long day babysitting unlike the other grandmother. They always go on holiday every year has a family. Then if all this is not bad enough the mil has been calling me by my first name to my granddaughter who then also calls me by my name. I have had a word with my daughter about this and she said she will speak to her about this but it just continues. I am angry and confused and don’t know what to do.

I know I would feel similar to you OP on this, and have similar but its not the mother in law, its the step mum. Now I am really thankful that my DD has a good relationship with her SM, so try and see it from my DD perspective. But I can see why this is bothersome for you seeing how much childcare you do, and being left out of the social aspect feels off. What does your DD do when you initiate the topic to her? Defencive? Or does she get why you feel this way?

That she is intentionally naming you to granddaughter using your name suggests she has ill intentions and is not just a loving grandmother and mil

Stop providing free childcare if you don't even get the respect of the name Gran. Your daughter doesn't respect you.

Defence and does not want to talk about it. So I leave it for fear of over upsetting her.

100% - bloody cheek. Tackle the woman yourself, she's undermining you.
Do you think the mil invites herself? I think you have to be more assertive with your DD or is it her DH inviting his DM to stay etc?

Yeah OP it would upset me too.

You sound like a great nana and you clearly love your DD too. Its almost a given that at some point our DD favor other people over us mums, but and there is a but, could it be that your DD mum in law is just this loud personality that demands attention and could it be that the mum in law is just jelous of you by the name use rather than nana? I have seen it and its so lame. The only individual that will be inpacted by that is the grandchild. So perhaps just carry on doing what you are doing, and every time your grandchild says your name in stead of nana then rectify that gently with her. And just carry on doing what you are doing for your grandaughter, it will all pay off in the end. And that mum in law is undermining for sure, I would just ignore that too, its such an old tactic meant to hurt, so choose not to hurt over that, its more irritating than if you mention it to your DD, and gived the in law mother more ammunition for her little game.

apologies for all the spelling mistakes, was multitasking

You don't usually hear of it this way round-most posts say very similar things to you, but that the maternal grandmother is favoured.
I would clearly and politely ask her why. Listen without being defensive (though she should be respectful to you too, particulrly if you babysit). And try to sound positive-that you think it's great she's ensuring her daughter has a good relationship with her grandmother-but it should be both of them, ie you as well!
About your fellow grandmother calling you by name-if she's talking to DIL, it would be more natural to say "Jess has just got a new job" than "Lexi's other nan has a new job", but you could politely say you'd prefer to be referred to this way.

This is not good.
You should be invited for dinner every now and then, to go out with the family and on holidays.
Give it a go to invite your daughter out on a weekend. And to say you would love to join them on holiday. Maybe your daughter is taking you for granted and trying to gain points with her MIL and she does not even register that this could bother you.
The calling you by your name when talking to the child, that is weird. Even with adults I would ask them about their mum, granny, sister.... not using the name.

Two can play at that game, make sure you call her by her first name to the granddaughter. Every time.

Do you ask your daughter to do things with you? What does she say?
it sounds like you have a lovely relationship with your granddaughter but what about your daughter? Are you close?

I’d be hurt too.
I would see it out for your daughter and ask why you don’t get the ‘extras’ that mil does.
I would stop doing as much for her.
And as for mil calling you by your first name so the same for her.

The name thing, it’s because they are talking about you in front of her, so she hears your name. It isn’t necessarily malicious. Mine started calling their Dad by his name, when I’d been talking about him. When there’s another grandma present we tend to use Granny Name for the one who isn’t there. Otherwise it’s confusing.
Just keep correcting her.

Do you ask your DD on days out? Maybe it’s just that the MiL suggests outings, whereas you suggest going out with GD.

It doesn’t sound like you and your daughter have a particularly close relationship. If you want to change that, you could create opportunities - invite her and the family to do fun things together. It may be that her MIL is the one taking the initiative.

Maybe your daughter just prefers her MIL as a friend?

Unkind.

Do you invite dd and dgc out or on holiday?. How was your relationship while she was growing up?
Definitely start to call mil by her name too.

Whilst I can see this is hurtful you can’t force your daughter to spend time with you. It sounds like you have a great relationship with your GD so I’d just focus on that if I were you.

What was your relationship with your daughter like before she had a child? Were you close? You sound like a doting grandmother, but what's your interest level in your daughter? I only ask because I do have a couple of friends whose mums are gaga for the grandkids but don't show much interest in them. Don't ask after them, know what's going on with them job-wise and in their personal life. Not saying this is you, but just wondering if you were close before and not so much now? Or if it’s been this way a while.

Either way, perhaps rather than trying to find out ‘why’, maybe be more explicit in what you'd like? Ask her to do things with you? I ask her when a good day is to meet up and have a coffee or lunch.

We do more things with MIL because she goes out of her way to organise them. I know you're feeling hurt but maybe trying to be proactive about it would achieve the outcome you want instead of bad feelings?

OP, what are the holiday arrangements? Who organises it and pays for it? Is it something your DD and family choose to do, or is it an obligation, or is it just something MIL and her family have always done? How does dinner work? Is it made clear that you should leave? Maybe you need to talk to your DD and tell her how you’re feeling. It may just be that MIL organises things and your DD goes along with it.

It wasn't intended to be unkind at all -- I think a lot of the time we expect people not to get on with their mothers in law, but the fact is that there are a lot of women my mother's age who I'd be more inclined to be friends with than I would my own mother! Not because I don't love her, but the vibe is totally different.

BS. It was clearly intentionally unkind or you would've qualified what you said.

Is it? We can’t help who we get on with the best. I have a crap relationship with my own mother, and happen to have much more in common with my MIL, so I have been much closer to her since I was a teenager.

I don’t think it’s unkind to point out that people can be closer to people they aren’t related to. It’s just a fact really.

How does the time your daughter spends with her MIL come about? Does your daughter invite her or does MIL invite herself? Who instigates time out together, daughter or MIL?

I can see why it must be very upsetting but perhaps the mother in law is more forthright and your daughter is more worried about offending her and it is harder to say no?

It might be your daughter finds it easier spending time with her MIL, some of us have wonderful MILs we are very happy spending time with. How was your relationship with your daughter when she was a child and pre marriage/kids? Sometimes it is an easier relationship with the MIL as both parties tend to be more polite whereas a mother will tell her daughter exactly what she thinks and feels. Perhaps even though you may be very lovely and kind it's just a bit more relaxing and simple with the MIL as there's no years of relationship behind it and no judgement (intended or not) on how and what she (daughter) is doing. I know my own mother, who I adore, will very openly and easily say stuff to me, like, 'how do you live in such a mess?', 'I never did that with you when you were little' etc etc, she doesn't mean much by it, just passing comment on my life and I will bat it back mostly, but my mum would never dream of saying such things to her DIL and my MIL would never dream of saying such things to me.

Maybe talk to your daughter, maybe suggest going somewhere just the two of you, or even with the MIL to get to know her better and see their relationship together?