Are they gay?

[Datinggame]

New on the scene of dating and met a couple of interesting people. Really working on expanding seeing people who dont necessarily fit my usual type as evidently that hasn't worked.

So seeing someone for only a month, find them attractive, enjoy their company but I would say some of their characteristic are a bit different to what im used to, mainly they are not as masculine. This wasnt really a problem, until last week they said back in their uni days there was a guy or 2 they did find attractive, that they did kiss a guy as a dare but it didnt mean anything, and they are 90 odd% straight but do think sexuality is fluid.

Naturally my mind is now trying to figure out what this means, and if this means they are potentially gay? And how concerned I should be about this

I'm sure 99% of my ire is based on previous posts like this, but the biphobia on this site drives my teeth curly.

If this guy is, or has been, bi, or has had a previous experience with men, no this doesn't mean he's secretly gay. My advice would be to talk with him and find out whatever you feel you need to know.

They have told you quite clearly they think sexuality is fluid and they have been open about having a sexual interest in men in the past, which in all probability means they could again in the future.

I don't see you wanting to put a label on them is useful or necessary. If them being open to sexual attraction to men is not something you are comfortable with then better not to pursue a relationship with this person.

I assume they are bisexual.

I think the person has been upfront about being 90% straight. I know lots of straight people (especially women) who find other women attractive and have kissed one before.

Cannot see a problem here. He is a little bit more open to things than your previous partners and in general is a good man. There is some conditioning for women to think that a man should be a certain stereotype which is sometimes the very reverse of the caring nurturing man we actually need. I think many younger women would now be open enough to say they have some experience with the same sex but are mostly straight. Would not worry me in a man.

And we have a starter, folks. In at number one: bisexuals can't hold down a monogamous relationship: if he's had sex with a male previously, he 'probably will in the future'.

For those not familiar with bisexual bingo, 'all bi men are secretly gay' is the counterpart to 'all bi women were doing it for male attention and it was just a phase'. Keep 'em coming folks.

Yes he's gay.

He's basically telling you he will sleep with men if you get together.

There are hundreds of threads on Mumsnet about this, in which there were small 'bi' signs early on.

Women don't help that stereotype by being "barsexual". Most of the "bi" women I know who have kissed another woman (or more) have done it for the male gaze and would never have done it if they weren't in the presence of men when it occurred.

Of course this doesnt go for lesbians. I'm speaking specifically about bi women.

I don't think it is quite the same for bi men.

bisexuals can't hold down a monogamous relationship

I said nothing of the sort. It's you who is labelling the person as bisexual , not me.

All I said was that if OP isn't comfortable with his previous attraction to men then this relationship isn't for her. Of course there is a possibility they may be attracted to men again in the future and to say otherwise is ridiculous.

There's a saying which is very true:

Bi men and bi women always go the same way - they end up with men.

(Some 'bi' men do want to impregnate women first though)

This. If they consider themselves 90% straight and 10% gay then they're bisexual. (The percentages are obviously meaningless).

They told you their sexuality, why on earth are you asking people on line to guess at what it is.

That poster didn't say he couldn't be monogamous, though. Just that he might be sexually attracted to men at various points in his life, which is true.

Just like straight people are sexually attracted to people the opposite sex despite being in a relationship and that is, apparently, completely 'normal'.

He might he sexually attracted to men. It doesn't mean he'd act on it.

Besides, he and the OP have only been seeing each other for a month and she's not sure about it so, yes, it's perfectly possible he will have sexual relationships with other men in the future.

Your use of “they” is really confusing.

it seems you have met a man who had some sexual experience with men and is open to that in the future. He also seems to be interested in you. You are presumably a woman. He is either open about his bisexuality or secretly gay. The latter seems less likely given he seems v open and comfortable about his attraction to men.

Does he use they/them pronouns? That would put me off the most. As to his sexuality it sounds like he is either bisexual, was exploratory in his youth but is now straight or a (straight) man who has sex with men. It would be worth getting to know a bit more about his previous relationships just as you would with anyone you are dating. How does he describe his own sexuality and romantic and sexual attachments?

You know lots of the men who cheat are cheating with other men and yet they most often stay with their wives and don't even see the same guy very many times. They are very rarely having a full blown affair with another man. They are usually fucking other men.

These men are very bisexual and they do not end up with a man.

I think in the "olden days", gay men were pressured into compulsory heterosexuality. Many of them could not keep it up and were either caught or confessed and used "bisexuality" as a soft landing. They then went onto have gay relationships with men because they were never into women anyway.

In 2026, in most of our social groups, there is far less need for men to do this. Men who do not want to come out can just be discreet. Not having a partner isn't the issue it used to be. They can just seem like a long term bachelor to most of the outside world.

Why would he use different pronouns if this is about his sexuality (ie who he is attracted to) and not who he is (his gender identification)?

This in a nutshell.

It’s up to you to decide op if this is something you are comfortable with or not.

What was the context of the conversation? To me, it just says that as a student he experimented.

Op is using 'they' in her post.

Yeah, so? You can use "they" to talk about another person. The people I notice do this most often are people who speak English as an additional language. It's easier than all the he/she/hers/his business I think. It's just "they" and "theirs".

I'm seeking clarification from op as to whether that is what she is doing or whether that is how he describes himself because it's not clear.

He’s sexually attracted to men too and he’s told you that. If that’s a deal killer for you, then just end it.

I read it as the OP's new bf might be non-binary?

If he thinks sexuality is fluid he might think his gender is as well.