Are they gay?

[Datinggame]

New on the scene of dating and met a couple of interesting people. Really working on expanding seeing people who dont necessarily fit my usual type as evidently that hasn't worked.

So seeing someone for only a month, find them attractive, enjoy their company but I would say some of their characteristic are a bit different to what im used to, mainly they are not as masculine. This wasnt really a problem, until last week they said back in their uni days there was a guy or 2 they did find attractive, that they did kiss a guy as a dare but it didnt mean anything, and they are 90 odd% straight but do think sexuality is fluid.

Naturally my mind is now trying to figure out what this means, and if this means they are potentially gay? And how concerned I should be about this

It seems that he is bi, but I’ve known men say they’re bi and later say that actually they have always known that they’re gay.

I never dated bi men, so it would be the end of the relationship for me anyway.

I'd assume they are not Non-Binary

I wouldn't read it that way because it is unlikely that the OP will be fine with that gender identity and respect it enough to flawlessly use neutral pronouns, but then struggle with the idea that their partner night be attracted to people of both sexes. For one, they'd believe their partner is "without gender" and therefore, sleeping with someone "with gender" isn't really "same gender attraction". They'd also not see them as "straight" at all because they wouldn't see them as their biological sex. They aren't a man or a woman so how could they be attracted to people "opposite"?

Could be a good opportunity for you to explore your own sexuality too. After 6 pernods, it really doesn't matter who's hands they are...

He identifies as male, apologies for the confusion.

It just came up as part of a conversation about past experiences and I appreciate his honesty

Clearly I am a bit inexperienced in dating and this isnt something I have experienced before so im just trying to figure out if im naive and this is, for want of a better phrase, fairly common/normal, or a possible red flag from others experience?

I suppose my concern is he may not have acted much on these thoughts/feelings or may have suppressed, and may wish to explore this more in the future. Which I suppose feeds in to is he secretly gay? And I appreciate that may seem offencive or small minded. Thats absolutely not my intention. Trust is a bit of a problem due to pasy so im very cautious and maybe being very protective of myself.

Not trying to be offensive or appear small minded/ignorant just looking for others experiences of opinions to help me

The fuck?! 🤢

I don’t understand the issue here, or the language being used, as in calling this person they and then using the words identifies as male as opposed to is male. And why would he be secretly gay and trying to hide it from you a stranger to date you.

he, they, whatever this persons pronouns has told you they are bisexual. May they wish to explore this in the future, potentially. But they are not proposing marriage and there is nothing to suggest they can’t be faithful.

Why does it matter though? We all know for sure now that the OP views the person as a man and her issue is that he might be attracted to men. Why would it matter if he is a "natal" man or not? Even before the update, we knew that the (potential) issue was attraction to men. Why would the sex of either party matter?

It could be lesbians for example. Attraction to men could still be an issue.

I agreed with your first post but think you are being overtly critical and reactive here - the poster didn't say he would have sex with another man in the future (and definitely didn't assume it would be while he was in a relationship, so didn't refer in any way to the "bisexuals are sex crazed and cant be monogomous trope") they just said he could have a sexual interest in men at some point in the future.

Sexual interest doesnt mean acting on it just finding someone attractive. If hes same sex attracted in some way, even if "90% straight" the chances he will never find a male celebrity or random person at the gym attractive for the rest of his life is very low!

If anything I think acknowledging that is the OPPOSITE of biphobia as some people seem to expect that once you are in a straight relationship you switch off all attraction for the same sex (and vice versa), or at least bury it deep inside and never mention it.

Its fair enough to advise OP that if she is going to be disgusted if, 5 years down the line they are watching TV and he happens to mention a male actor is hot, when she wouldnt bat an eyelid if he said the same about a woman, then she should avoid the relationship - its protecting him from discrimination or feeling he has to hide his full personality rather than suggesting he is going to cheat on her.

Different people. Different experiences. Different ways of thinking. Different times.

I'm almost 60. Grew up in the 80s & 90s which were very different times. Ex Catholic convent girl school educated - in the 80s, half of us read Anais Nin and the other more materialist half read Jackie Collins and some trashy, Jilly Cooper.

Like economics, societal thinking goes in circles. When we come out of this current neo-victorian puritanism period who's to say people won't go full orgy? Maybe read up on the late 60s.

Your judgement is just a product of the times.

What a load of waffle.
@AnonymityAnonymity didn’t say that at all. What she said was bang on the money.
FWIW@Datinggame I don’t know a single bi sexual man or woman who isn’t in a long term relationship with a man.

And how concerned I should be about this?

Probably the same level of concern if he was going to leave you for another woman, Imo. I don't think that kissing another guy as a dare is a big deal.

I think he's already told you OP. Bisexual. Is that an issue for you?

I think it's refreshing that there are still open and honest people out there.

The beauty of languages is that they have nuances that help you communicate facts and thoughts well. There's no need to chase after the lowest common denominator by just finding one word or phrase and thinking "that'll do - anything more specific is just needless".

Just like if you learn French to any basic standard, you don't just use 'le' or 'la' for every single noun and reckon it's fine; you try to learn the ones that actually make sense in the common use of the language.

In English, 'they' is used either to refer to multiple people or otherwise to refer to a person of unknown and/or potentially either sex - e.g. "book in to see the GP and ask their opinion on your symptoms" or "the customer must show their receipt to obtain a refund". It's annoying enough when certain people like to demand it be used for them singularly, but it's just so needlessly confusing to use 'they' to refer to a single known male or a single known female who doesn't claim to be anything else.

I'm a bisexual man OP, I experimented a bit when I was younger. A few kisses, sex with two guys (hand / oral stuff only), a very short relationship with a guy (about a month). Mostly though, I went out with women. All of my proper relationships were with women, and when I cheated on them (which I did with all of them, because I was a bit of a dickhead), it was with other women.

And then I met DP (female), and I actually properly fell in love with her, and I've been with her and only her for the last 20 years. I'm not saying I'm incapable of cheating on her, because I know what I'm capable of. But if I was to, then it's overwhelmingly more likely to be with a woman than a man, and if I did, it would be because I'm a bit of a dickhead, not because I'm bisexual.

I do still consider myself bisexual, despite the fact that I don't think a gay relationship or sex were ever really for me. I do find some men attractive, but the extent of my bisexuality these days is pretty much that I get to enjoy both Jamie and Claire's bums on Outlander.

It sounds like the guy you've met @Datinggame is a lot further on the straight side of the scale than me. I wouldn't worry that he's any more likely to cheat on you than a straight person would be. Although I understand that some women find it a turn off that a guy isn't 100% straight, and it's Ok to end the relationship based on that if you want to.

He kissed a guy while at university as a dare but not dated men since?

He’s probably not gay.

I would say this sums up my personal experiences but with women. I think sexuality is fairly fluid. I’d generally describe myself as heterosexual though, have no desire to have a relationship with a woman, have been happily married to Dh for 18 years. 🤷🏻‍♀️

That's really not what they said.

I can tel LDH to shush is Jason Mamoa is on the telly half naked without there being risk I'd ever cheat.

Op has concluded he may be gay despite the fact the guy clearing being interested in men and women.

How do you think op will react if they're sat watching telly and he comments on how hot Aaron Taylor-Johnson is?

He deserves to be with someone who is comfortable with that.

There are literally hundreds of threads on Mumsnet over the years by women who met a guy, who once mentioned in passing something about other men, and then they got married and had children and now she's discovered he's been sleeping with (almost always several) men.

There probably are cases where men are attracted to men and women, and they find a woman they fall madly in love with and live happily ever after with in a monogamous relationship, but they are VERY MUCH the exception.

What a weird and inflammatory thing to post. I am a bi woman and have been with my female partner for many years. Many bisexual men and women are in happy LTR with women. What is your problem?

I will definitely speak to him more about it as he seems very open and honest. I do naturally have concerns but I dont know that its a deal breaker, I suppose it depends on his thoughts and feelings, and if he feels like he has/is suppressing or if it was just a part of his life that doesn't have any influence on him now.

Dating is complex!

Yes you are being biphobic. Assuming that bisexual men are “secretly gay” or that bisexual women are “lying for attention” is not acceptable.

You are right - dating is complex!

It wouldn't bother me I have to say. Everyone has a history.

I don't really like labelling people but I know that some people want to be labelled. I don't like titles either; Miss, Mrs, Mr, Mx - why do we need them?

OP, he seems open, honest, upfront - genuinely a lovely person that treats you well.

That is all that matters at the end of the day.

❤️ Rooting for you both ❤️

That's called 'the exception that proves the rule'.

I've known literally more than a dozen women since the 90s who came out as bi, many entered into relationships with women.

Every single one of them is now in a monogamous long-term relationship with a man.

Try some Lesbianism. It's fun! You might surprise yourself and like it.