Are they gay?

[Datinggame]

New on the scene of dating and met a couple of interesting people. Really working on expanding seeing people who dont necessarily fit my usual type as evidently that hasn't worked.

So seeing someone for only a month, find them attractive, enjoy their company but I would say some of their characteristic are a bit different to what im used to, mainly they are not as masculine. This wasnt really a problem, until last week they said back in their uni days there was a guy or 2 they did find attractive, that they did kiss a guy as a dare but it didnt mean anything, and they are 90 odd% straight but do think sexuality is fluid.

Naturally my mind is now trying to figure out what this means, and if this means they are potentially gay? And how concerned I should be about this

I mean obviously he's not secretly gay, is he, because he's just told you about his mild same-sex attraction and university-age experimentation. (Both of which are utterly bog-standard.) He's not hiding it. Which is a good thing insofar as it tells you he's comfortable with himself, not homophobic, isn't in denial.

I think you're getting the exception to the rule and the norm the wrong way round, possibly because you're basing your world view on MN posts (certainly not reflective of real life) and your handful of acquaintances - which you seem to think makes for some sort of iron rule.

Bisexual people end up with women all the time - there are at least two in this thread.

No they're not "secretly gay". They have told you where they are. They may wish to explore this in the future, but that could be said of a lot of people on a variety of topics.

He is no more likely to cheat on you than anyone that declares themselves 100% straight.

If you're looking for a guarantee from someone that they will never change their mind on anything or be curious about life, then you're in for a hard time.

He's at the least bi or possibly gay but hasn't got the courage to openly directly state it. It would be a no from me.

Why would he be 100% gay when he told you he was 90% straight? That means he's bi, with much more inclination towards women than men.

Why not just believe him? He says he's had a couple experiences with men a long time ago. He didn't say he's dating men at the same time as seeing you. Just because someone can fancy both sexes doesn't make them more likely to cheat or be a bad partner.

A guarantee honestly would be ideal!

I have some trust issues so I suppose this feels like something else to worry about but so far they do not seem dishonest at all. I just worry they are suppressing but thorse are my worries not his.

This.
Why are you referring to him as ‘They’ ? I couldn’t tell if you were talking about multiple people and it makes your post hard to read.

You've known this person for a month. I would presume that you haven't scratched the surface of who they are.

Why you're honing in on this, rather than say, have they every been arrested, in debt, what's their relationship like with the women in their family, what's their stance on drug use, god knows, so many other pertinent things that you might not know yet aren't concerned about them "surpressing" that, when from what I can see they've been open and honest with you.

He’s telling you he’s bi-sexual. It’s entirely up to you whether you want to date someone who’s bi-sexual. He is no more likely/less likely to cheat on you than anyone else.

"They" identifies as male?

Well if the person is actually female (identifying as male) and you are female then the person is gay.

If the person is actually male and using non-binary pronouns then there is clear strong elements of homosexuality/bisexuality at play.

OP you sound like a reasonable person with good insight into yourself and your trust issues, and open to giving this guy a chance. There is a LOT of biphobia on MN though so some responses will skew that way. And obviously you’re entitled to end any dating/relationship situation for any reason you like.

But in a general sense, no, this is not a red flag or a sign he’s secretly gay. He sounds like he’s been very honest about who he is - someone who is not entirely straight and has an attraction to men, but also into women and you. None of that in itself is a red flag or a sign that he’ll cheat/give you an STI/have a weird fetish.

It is fine to feel that you only want to date 100% straight people - what’s not fine (and I’m not accusing you of thinking any of this, but these are things commonly said on here) is to think a man is somehow tainted because he’s bisexual, that he’s less masculine, to feel disgusted by it, to say it’s a fetish, to say it will make him unfaithful or untrustworthy or that he’s actually gay but deluded, or that bi people always feel their opposite sex partner isn’t “enough”. Straight, gay and bi people are all capable of lying and cheating, but that’s about personality flaws, not sexuality.

70% straight men dabble in homosexual sex.
Whatever a person is make sure its safe and not a head fuck whatever you are into or willing to be.

Nah, the number of men who know they are also attracted to guys but are with women far outnumber the number of guys who end up gay.

It hasn't changed my thought's or feelings towards him in any way, I fully appreciate his honesty and find it refreshing.

My concerns are more my own stuff really in terms of having trust issues, and this feeling like something else to worry about, and an ignorant worry that this could mean he is gay and has suppressed and at some point might want to act on it.

But I fully appreciate he is not more likely to cheat/lie etc whether he is bi or straight.

Like I said we will definitely have more conversations about this i was just interested in if anyone else has been in my position, or is the guy in this scenario, and how it played out.

I'm English and don't find it at all confusing but then I have a good command of my native language.

Keep us posted!

From the threads on MN, it's usually about 7 months into the relationship when things start to change, which later become ignored red flags. Often it'll be something like him suggesting a threesome.

Ask the right questions-

1. At any time, in the past, have you had anal intercourse with someone of the same sex?
2. At any time in the future, are you planning to have anal intercourse with someone of the same sex?
3. Do you like Kylie? Have you at any time in the past bought any of her music?
4. If you had anal intercourse with someone of the same sex would you be a pitcher or a catcher?
5. How many times have you watched Brokeback Mountain?
6. You are requested to buy some textile fabric but not told what for; Which of these three would you buy (a) Denim (b) Khaki camouflage (c) Gold lamé.
7. In an hour, how many times do you think about anal intercourse with someone of the same sex?
8. Which word completes the sentence; 'Can't get you out of my (a) Shed (b) Head (c) Bed.

😂😂😂I appreciate the humour!

Wouldn’t the assumption be that if things go well their relationship will become monogamous and long term? If that’s the case then there will be no possibility for him to sleep with a man in the future (or another woman).

I would assume anyone entering into a monogamous relationship hopes that their partner will be faithful to them whatever their sexual orientation.

I think you are extremely optimistic if you really think there is no possibility of someone finding another person sexually attractive just because they have entered into a monogamous relationship.

The whole point of OP's posts is that this person's sexual history which involved being attracted to men obviously worries her. And nobody knows whether in the future he will be attracted to men or whether he would act on that attraction.

That’s very naive. I was married to a woman for 16 years, had girlfriends and boyfriends before marriage. I’m now divorced and with a man.
Many women are bisexual, as are plenty of men. Some are cheats, or in ENM situations but most are monogamous.

This is tired and untrue. I know bi men married to women, and bi women married to women. And if my ex hadn’t been such a twat I would still be married to a woman.

Many people who are Bi or Pansexual are Cishet passing. What you really need to ask yourself is would it bother you if they were bi or pan. That sounds like the issue here, sorry. It's often easier to be Cishet passing so although you might like both or all genders equally you might decide that it's not worth the hassle to have a same sex relationship.

I know both Bi and Pan folk who are married in Cishet relationships very happily.

Bravo for them being honest.
If you don't like the idea of dating a man who's been with a man, that's ok. Just as much as it is for them to have their choice. Just don't muck them around, if it's not for you, date someone else and be happy.

Erm obviously no!