Are they gay?

[Datinggame]

New on the scene of dating and met a couple of interesting people. Really working on expanding seeing people who dont necessarily fit my usual type as evidently that hasn't worked.

So seeing someone for only a month, find them attractive, enjoy their company but I would say some of their characteristic are a bit different to what im used to, mainly they are not as masculine. This wasnt really a problem, until last week they said back in their uni days there was a guy or 2 they did find attractive, that they did kiss a guy as a dare but it didnt mean anything, and they are 90 odd% straight but do think sexuality is fluid.

Naturally my mind is now trying to figure out what this means, and if this means they are potentially gay? And how concerned I should be about this

He seems to be comfortable with his sexuality and therefore open with you about it. That is all green flag stuff as far as I am concerned.

Men who are struggling with internalised homophobia or who are secretly gay are not likely to be as open and honest.

Bi/pan/fluid whatever people are equally able to be monogamous as those who are only interested in one gender.

If he is honest with you, not crossing your boundaries and you like him, the fact he once kissed a boy or two really shouldn't impact your relationship. The fact he was willing to be open with you suggests that if he was gay, he'd not have a problem with it and wouldn't be in a relationship with a woman.

This is so weird. You’ve been dating him for a month. You’re hardly even at the stage of the exclusive conversation yet, so why on earth are you trying to analyse whether he’s going to run off with another bloke?

It sure make things more complicated.. went away for a week-end and dh had a (male) friend over sleeping in our house. If DH had been bi/gay I might have had a little worry in the back of ly head..

Cishet? What is the opposite transhet? transhomo?

Bisexual people normally look trans? It doesn't make any sense.

The only thing you have to be worried about is safe sex. Use a condom. Every time. Grindr users are shunning condoms. Same for Tinder and Bumble. "STD rates among all 18–34 year olds have risen consistently over the past decade, and casual hookup culture is one of the structural drivers behind that trend."

PReP only prevents HIV, it does not prevent any of the other STIs. All of these are worse for women and show up later. Fully straight men are no different. All women should insist on condoms at all times because there is no way to know. Sexual orientation is not relevant. Chlamydia and Gonorrhea are on the rise. When you have sex, you are having sex with every one of his partners and every one of their partners, etc., etc., ad infinitum. Be safe and enjoy.

healthtestexpress.com/blog/std-risks-in-casual-hookup-culture-staying-safe-in-the-age-of-dating-apps

https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/hiv-action-plan-for-england-2025-to-2030/hiv-action-plan-for-england-2025-to-2030

https://gaysnear.com/blog/do-gay-men-use-condoms-regularly/
According to CDC data, condom use among gay and bisexual men has declined steadily since the early 2010s. A 2022 report found that only 36% of sexually active gay men reported using condoms consistently — a drop from nearly 60% a decade prior.

This is from 2023
https://www.bbc.com/news/health-65810160

As a woman I find the idea of a man im with being sexually attracted to other men a turn off. The fact he’s told you so quickly would suggest he’s been burned by this before so probably wanted you to know so you could decide what you want.

Sounds like he's, at most, Bi with a strong tendency toward women.

Fair play to him for being so open about it.

It's now up to you to decide if you're OK with that or not.

It's perfectly OK not to be but you do need to bow out now if that's the case.

I think this is highly likely.

He needs someone who is OK with it and lots of people wouldn't be.

I know I couldn't.

He's offering an out and it sounds like she needs to take it.

If you don’t want to be with a bisexual man then that’s up to you. You don’t have to be with anyone you don’t want to. But please do not assume/decide they are secretly gay.

If 2 people are engaging in same sex contact in public for thr sake of a crowd, do you think they will be women or men?

Barsexual is a slang term used to describe someone—historically often a woman—who engages in same-sex kissing or affectionate behavior primarily in bar or club environments, often to get the attention of men. It is also occasionally used to describe people who only explore their same-sex attraction when under the influence of alcohol.

The HIV diagnosis rate is rising most steadily among straight men. Gay men are more educated than straight men about safe sex overall

@Datinggame Keep us posted xx

Everyone is different - I would be uncomfortable with it but some of my friends are fine with it and have married men who have had boyfriends before.

How silly.

The opposite of Cis is indeed Trans. As in Cisfats and Transfats.

I have not suggested that people who are bisexual look trans. Trans and Cis-gendered people can be bisexual. Traditionally bisexual people like partners who are binary male or female. Pansexual people tend to form relationships based on attraction rather than the contents of someone's pants. Both trans and Cis-gendered people can be pansexual.

"Cishet passing" is a phrase used to describe those who appear to meet societal norms and have sometimes deliberately chosen to do so. With the amount of bigotry and hate out there, it's not surprising that it can feel easier and safer for someone to not present as bi or pan or even trans within daily life. People just assume they are cis-gendered and heterosexual ("straight") or "cishet".

It is important therefore to not assume people are cis-gendered and/or heterosexual. Not that a man liking men means they are automatically gay either. Bi and Pan-erasure is a real thing.

I really appreciate everyone's insights.
I am ignorant to this side of dating simply because I was in a very long term relationship, and I am now navigating this new world, with the intention of being very open minded but also wanting to protect myself as much as I reasonably can.

🤞I imagine there are a lot of us reading your posts in a similar situation.

There's only you that can figure out if you accept his sexuality, but like I said before, everyone has a history. (I rarely post more than once on this type of thread and I think this is my 4th time!)

In my opinion, he seems open, honest, upfront - and he treats you well. Rare things nowadays xx

Thank you!

Oh gawd, I would run like the wind.

Except you said that ‘most ‘bi’ women you know’ are ‘bar sexual’ suggesting that bi women are not actually bi.
Don’t backtrack and try to make it look as though I was protesting something else.
Im not saying that some straight women engage in same sex behaviour to get male attention but they aren’t bi so let’s not confuse things.
The bi phobia and bi erasure on this thread is shocking.

To answer your question, yes they are gay. A man who has sexual feelings for another man is gay. They can say they are bi or fluid all they want. They are gay and I personally wouldn't sleep with them.

Exactly. It's called 'bi now, gay later' and I have never met a truly bi man.

You don’t get to decide how other people define their sexuality. If someone’s attracted to both sexes they’re bi.

Exactly this. I’d imagine most closeted gays would claim to be 100% straight - many actually claim to be homophobic.

the fact he’s open about being bi, or at least willing to admit he has been attracted to men previously and believes his sexuality is fluid, indicates he’s very open & honest about his sexuality. If he’s that comfortable with his sexuality I doubt he’s secretly gay

I get to decide my own boundaries. Also, there is such a thing as pattern recognition.