I love you but not in love…

[skyisviolet]

Name changed for this. So DH appears to have started the script, this was Last January not long after we moved back in following a renovation and the builders hadn’t actually finished… I cried for days, he told me how unhappy he was, how under appreciated he felt, how we weren’t affectionate enough. He then went on to mounjaro and has lost a load of weight, his fitness and health has improved significantly. We stayed in the same bed, but the frequency of our intimacy has reduced, and reduced… he kept coming back to this conversation. And every time I felt rejected again, it happened on our summer holiday.

I have tried to explain relationships need work, we don’t spend much quality time together, we haven’t had a break away just us for years. We have 2 DC 16 and 14, no local family support, I have sacrificed my career so he can concentrate on his, in addition to working very long hours, travelling most weeks with work, sometimes up to 10 days to 2 weeks away, but usually 1-2 nights a week. on date nights he opts to drive, as he has often been out drinking with colleagues during the week. I don’t get the fun side of him.

this year things have got worse, I have had some counselling, we have managed 2 couples sessions as well. I do practically everything- any cleaning, washing. Life admin, school admin, and have recently got a new job, after a career break. Naturally it doesn’t pay that well. He has moved into the spare room as needs his own space.. I suggest we try a more fun night out but he isn’t interested. We have had a few really good date nights recently but he will go into the spare room after. I am so so hurt - i haven’t spoken to anyone in real life apart from the counsellors - we are in limbo. I have been told to think about what I want but this is 22 years together- 18 married. I have no money other than joint money and we spent loads on our renovations so savings are low. he can’t decide what he wants, I am jn despair as I want to try at least to repair things and work together to make each other happy. He seems to be in some sort of mid life crisis. Help!!

START TRACKING THE MONEY. Even if you have blank spaces from the past, and every penny going forward. If he has been planning this long he has already moved money. When? Where did it go? How much? Has he sent money to someone else?

See if you can use the computer to request a copy of his bank, credit card, accounts records be sent to the home. Look at back tax records and forms, all bank accounts, investments, everything and anything. Make a column for what he has spent on himself. Make a column for the house expenses. Make a column for the childrens' expenses. Make a column for your expenses, and don't hold back. Look at his travel records in minute detail. You will need this information.

Mark the Mounjaro if it is an expense. His next step, and he may already be there given the amount of time he is out of the house, is dating. He's doing everything to find himself someone else. That is money coming out of the household, money coming from the children. Your sole focus should be on protecting the money, the house and your children.

And if you need Mounjaro, too, start it. Go to pilates or something because you will feel better. It is only for you, it won't stop what he's doing.

my counselling was for myself and relationship as well. Where I came in his priority list was mentioned by both counsellors. I will have some time when he is away next week to try to collate some information and organise to speak to a solicitor. I really appreciate all the advice. He made me dinner tonight…

You will be so much happier when this situation is resolved in your own mind, @skyisviolet . If you decide that enough is enough and begin to emotionally untangle yourself and find the value in yourself again (like he did from the sound of things) you will gain a level of freedom that must feel impossible right now.
And, not that you should want or need this but it is worth saying, once a man sees that you don't need him, and sees your confidence returning, that often gives his head a wobble to recognise what he is throwing away.
Take your time.
Keep your cards close to your chest.
Have your holiday with the kids - you'll have a ball.
Pull back from the chores you do for him. Not spitefully, but just start prioritising your time like he does with his sports teams.
Save your money where you can and let him pay for things for the kids and the house. Your career needs time to build up and his is advanced because of your sacrifice.
If he wants separate lives under one roof, fine. That will work for you for now. And when you're ready, you make the call and walk away with your head held high.
Good luck, OP!

Hello OP, I’m really sorry you’re going through this. It’s incredibly painful, and there’s no easy way around that.

A lot of people are suggesting he may already be having an affair, but honestly, that isn’t the point right now. Sometimes a relationship simply reaches its end, and it isn’t necessarily anyone’s fault. It’s important to try to repair things when there’s something to repair, but it’s just as important to recognize when the other person has already checked out.

From what you’ve shared, it sounds like your husband has made his decision and isn’t willing to work on the relationship anymore. That leaves you in a position where there isn’t much you can do on that front.

What you can do is start thinking about your life moving forward without him. I know that feels overwhelming and maybe even impossible right now, but you’re stronger than you think, and you will get through this.

Making you dinner is because he knows he's gone too far and he's not quite ready for you to decide to kick him out yet. For his own selfish reasons, whatever they may be (not got somewhere to stay lined up yet).

He doesn't want to book a family holiday because he knows he won't be there by then. He is trying to keep you sweet by doing something as basic as making you dinner!

I know I sound harsh and you're upset, but fuck him. He doesn't deserve you and we are all here for you x

OP He made me dinner tonight…

LadyWhistledownsSocietyPapers Making you dinner is because he knows he's gone too far and he's not quite ready for you to decide to kick him out yet. For his own selfish reasons, whatever they may be (not got somewhere to stay lined up yet).
He doesn't want to book a family holiday because he knows he won't be there by then. He is trying to keep you sweet by doing something as basic as making you dinner!

What she says is true. HUGE RED FLAG. MASSIVE. And it's waving in your face.

I would be worried about him finding someone else and moving them in and moving you out while the children stay with him. Get to doing woman! You are far, far behind. Far.................................far..................................ar....................r........................

Try to hunt for any of his pension statements. Quite honestly I'd wait until he's gone then go online and order a statement on his account. It will arrive when he is away so I'd open it and photocopy it too. He won't know you have received it. Make sure you insist oupon pension sharing as you have sacrificed your career for his. Also you divorce him. Take power away from him. Don't let him set the time line.

He'll have to disclose all financials during divorce anyway, so not sure if be too worried about doing it now

He's checked out, you're flogging a dead horse, I say this as someone who has been through this from the other side. You either keep things as they are with you as room mates leading increasingly separate lives. Or you leave.

I.love but not in live with you is a common plea of someone who wants out of a relationship.

Don't put up with any more unhappiness. Tell him to go.

He feels neglected even though he’s the one travelling for work all the time, managing these sports teams and isn’t around much. What rot.

Do you see how he’s trying to blame you for something you can do nothing about and did nothing to create? And yet you try harder and harder to meet his fictitious standards with counselling etc.

He’s cruel, manipulative and scheming.

You must see a solicitor. Get this ball rolling. Take back control. It will be hard, no doubt but what you’re living right now is miserable and soul destroying.

I think it is time for you to check out as well. You don't need to rush into anything. You need to start picturing a future without him. Do some things for yourself like get some new clothes and go out and do things you enjoy. Try to focus less on him and what he is doing and start to focus on yourself.

Making you dinner is because he knows he's gone too far and he's not quite ready for you to decide to kick him out yet. For his own selfish reasons, whatever they may be

This. He has sensed a change in you @skyisviolet and is trying to take control back.

Whatever you do, do not trust him. No matter how believable he is when he says whatever or how tasty the meal is (watch out for added extras) please bear in mind that he is saying and doing everything for his own benefit.

Hi OP I went through just what you are describing, definitely get as much paperwork as you can, see a solicitor as soon as you can and be guided by them. You are not useless and your children need your love and support. DO NOT give any indication of what you are doing under ANY circumstances. I wish you all the very best.

Hi OP again. You have been given wonderful support and help from everyone go with it. BIG HUGS and SUPPORT.

Thanks all for your support I have read all the comments - I will make arrangements to speak with a solicitor to understand what I need to do. I have been considering options, but my biggest focus has been getting a job. I wanted to ensure I had tried, I had done everything, before moving on - I needed to do that for the sake of my children as well, and before they find out… but yes I do feel the decision is being pushed on me.

Good luck OP you are doing the right thing and it sounds like you are confident now. Thank you for the update it’s always nice to know the result. BIG hug

This ^

My exP had an affair with a work colleague. He lost weight and started buying new clothes and had nights out with "work colleagues" - he later admitted that he treated me really poorly because he was hoping that I would end the relationship and he could be the 'good guy'. Ex-partner's affair partner dumped him when she realised ExP was still in a relationship (I didn't know any of this - I just knew he was really disconnected from our relationship). After his affair partner dumped him, ExP started suggesting we have a 'break' - I now know this was so that he could test the water and still have me on a string if he wanted to come back. I refused to have a break. ExP would say he wanted to break up...then saying he'd made a terrible mistake. It only really ended when I took control and said no more, it's over.

Exactly this. My ex came out with the same sort of crap and also took one child on holiday and left one home with me to prove to OW that I was home alone. I let this carry on for another 6 months until I saw a solicitor. Don’t do what I did. Call the shots and take a bit of power back for yourself.

He is definitely reacting as well to his father dying before retirement age, and he seems to have realised his mortality and seems generally unsatisfied with his life at the moment and saying he needs to be happy - the “we are sleeping apart and not holidaying together” seems a good rouse if there is someone else, not sure if there is but suspect his head has been turned even if nothing has happened. I really appreciate all the comments, he definitely does not want to be the bad guy, but I cannot handle the constant waves of rejection and have told him this, being in limbo is hard and I can’t see him wanting to move out of our house, and I don’t see how I can live side by side with him if we are not together it will be very painful and he will expect me to carry on as normal…. I haven’t spoken to a solicitor yet - but I plan to tomorrow.

From my suspicions being roused of an affair, ex refusing to move out, being constantly gas lit and OW even confronting me at family home whilst he took children to park (I called the police as she as out of control) took 4 years. I had nowhere to go, he could have gone to the other woman or his parents but he refused to be seen as the bad guy Even though he introduced the other woman to my children during this time. Taking control will be the best thing you never do.

Asking for a divorce is definitely the best advice. It will either kick him into gear into sorting himself and your relationship out or the coward will be relieved he doesn’t need to be the bad guy— but either way you can finally move on.

Right now he’s got no reason to change. He likely has a gf he sees regularly, a family home to come back to with his children, someone to do all the hard lifting with parenting and to cook and clean for him. He doesn’t feel guilty because he’s separated from you (because that’s what you are with separate bedrooms, separate holidays and no intimacy). He’s taking the piss and it can’t continue. Let him feel what not being together actually means — losing half his assets, savings and pension, paying maintenance and doing his own housework.

This