I love you but not in love…

[skyisviolet]

Name changed for this. So DH appears to have started the script, this was Last January not long after we moved back in following a renovation and the builders hadn’t actually finished… I cried for days, he told me how unhappy he was, how under appreciated he felt, how we weren’t affectionate enough. He then went on to mounjaro and has lost a load of weight, his fitness and health has improved significantly. We stayed in the same bed, but the frequency of our intimacy has reduced, and reduced… he kept coming back to this conversation. And every time I felt rejected again, it happened on our summer holiday.

I have tried to explain relationships need work, we don’t spend much quality time together, we haven’t had a break away just us for years. We have 2 DC 16 and 14, no local family support, I have sacrificed my career so he can concentrate on his, in addition to working very long hours, travelling most weeks with work, sometimes up to 10 days to 2 weeks away, but usually 1-2 nights a week. on date nights he opts to drive, as he has often been out drinking with colleagues during the week. I don’t get the fun side of him.

this year things have got worse, I have had some counselling, we have managed 2 couples sessions as well. I do practically everything- any cleaning, washing. Life admin, school admin, and have recently got a new job, after a career break. Naturally it doesn’t pay that well. He has moved into the spare room as needs his own space.. I suggest we try a more fun night out but he isn’t interested. We have had a few really good date nights recently but he will go into the spare room after. I am so so hurt - i haven’t spoken to anyone in real life apart from the counsellors - we are in limbo. I have been told to think about what I want but this is 22 years together- 18 married. I have no money other than joint money and we spent loads on our renovations so savings are low. he can’t decide what he wants, I am jn despair as I want to try at least to repair things and work together to make each other happy. He seems to be in some sort of mid life crisis. Help!!

He has finished the relationship without telling you and without moving out. Chances are he is biding his time until he has yhe funds to move out and potentially until he has met someone else. Get ahead and start making your own plans.

Divorce him fast so you get the opportunity to build your career while he has the DC 50/50. Frankly, it sounds as though he’s waited long enough for it to be cheap and easy for him. Don’t wait until the DC are beyond child support age, or he’ll try and pay nothing, having done nothing.

"The script" refers to cheaters OP. Do you have reason to think he's cheating on you? From what you've described so far it seem like hes simply fell out of love with you. It sucks but he's allowed to do that.

Is he otherwise preoccupied on his phone or going away/out unexpectedly? Got mentionitis?

I dont know if he is cheating or if his head has been turned so to speak - its the delivery of the I love you but I am not in love with you, he feels neglected, and everything is my fault.. his work travel is ridiculous so there is opportunity, he is always on his phone - I don’t have access to his phone. I don’t know but maybe would not be surprised if it turns out to be the case. Equally he has realised he doesn’t love me anymore and isn’t willing to try anything as he has made up his mind- either way I can’t afford to buy him out, our house will not sell quickly, our kids are mid a-levels and GCSEs - our families live miles away. If I end up single I’d rather live close to my family but that’s going to be difficult.

I agree with above.

It strikes me that getting you to agree to seperate holidays is a deliberate ploy so that he can claim in all "innocence" that this was a great success and demonstrates that the kids will be perfectly happy and adaptable to the new arrangements because look they had a great time on holiday everyone. And hey kids what a great time you had on holiday with good ol Dad.

To me that seems very well thought out and devious. Its all about the PR of it all.

Holidays are not real life. He sounds like an absentee DH but also an absentee father... and whilst your DC may be temporarily swayed by this... deep down they know its you that gets them to school, sorts their clothes, makes them do their homework.

This is a huge upheaval in your life, thinking that it may be about to change, but try to take things one step at a time, have faith in yourself, you have shown the strenght and determination to keep your family together. He is deficient and selfish... the qualities you have shown are the lasting ones that your kids will remember. You can only take each day as it comes now and have faith in the fact that you are resourceful and will fbe able to find a way through this.

He's checked out. Don't beg or try to work things out he'll be loving it. Because he's flipped it all onto you. Ducks in a row

its the delivery of the I love you but I am not in love with you, he feels neglected, and everything is my fault

ugh they’re all so predictable aren’t they? There’s a reason it’s called The Script.

I’m so sorry he’s messing you around like this. Please know it isn’t you, it isn’t anything you have or haven’t done. It isn’t something you’ve missed or have neglected to do, he’s just a common or garden twunt spinning you the same old lines that they all trot out when they think they deserve to live like a single 25 year old.

Please take back your power, be proactive in your own life and prioritise yourself and your DCs as he sure as hell isn’t doing that.

He has decided and lined up everything. You need to move on.

He is making you feel bad for HIS affair!

Don’t fall for it!

Get all the information you need so you know your situation before he makes a move. There’s no rush for you to end it, don’t do anything until you’ve got all the info and made a plan.

Your kids are not long off leaving home. It might be financially best for you to hang on a couple of years and use that time to emotionally withdraw yourself too. Once you have a financial plan you will feel much less anxious, you may even start to feel excited about the next chapter

Why do you feel the house won't sell quickly ?
it's just been renovated, surely that will help / increase the value

the builders have finished, haven't they.

He’s probably stringing this along until all the kids are legally adults, a divorce with dependents vs one without would work out more favourably for him.
Hire a solicitor, ask your FA for a copy of everything. Take control over your own life and finances, don’t wait for him to dictate when you can start living your life.

What a sad little egotistical prat he is. Focus on being a mother to two DC who need you for stability especially during their exam years rather than as a wife as that ship has sailed. With them you have the family unit which will endure. I’m sorry this is happening to you.

Thanks all - reading everything and taking it all in. I have been thinking about every eventuality… it’s just hard.

He has another woman and is waiting foryour kids (and maybe hers?) to reach the age when they are independent and he can therefore leave you in poverty.

He is also treating you really badly and this will crush you and spoil the last few years you have with your kids before they leave home.

You deserve more. See a solicitor.

@skyisviolet this is horrible, the only thing i will say is that i'm in a broadly similar position to you and i'm a male, there are both men and women out there that wish their partners would show them more affection (not always physical i might add) so don't give up hope, maybe given time you'll find a man that wants you as much as you want him...there are however some tough times ahead before you get to that point. Good luck and big hugs.

I’m so sorry you are in this situation. It does sound like a midlife crisis unfortunately & if it is, it’s likely there is someone else. My ex left me 3 years ago, he denied that there was someone else, but I think there was. He had a younger girlfriend for a couple of years (I suspect he cheated with her), but that fizzled out a while ago. I would recommend a marriage helper video about PIES to help you focus on yourself. Also there is a website and Facebook group called The hero’s spouse & a book called The Eight Stages of a Midlife Crisis by hearts blessing. At first I thought I couldn’t live without him & didn’t want to split up (especially since our DC wasn’t even 2 when he left), but now I am happy on my own & resisting his attempts to come back. You can and will get through this. Sending love.

Stop dancing around for crumbs from his table op! Tell him you want a decision, stay together or split, and start working towards the outcome. You are wasting precious time waiting for things to fix themselves, when your DH appears to have mentally left. Please don't be in the same place this time next year, use your counselling to gain the strength to resolve this, whichever way it goes.

Oh op sorry to hear this. It’s doomed because he doesn’t want it to work. I would get your things sorted then decide if one of you can move out preferably him as you do more with the kids etc. Op there is a similar post on here you might find helpful basically the dh wanting to split wife has no choice. It’s trending so you should come across it no real advice but get ready for whatever is coming your way. He might have head turned or met someone either way it’s going to be a bumpy ride get as much emotional support as you can. Good luck. The post is blindsided husband wants to split or very similar.

Oh OP I’m so sorry you’re in this position, it’s shit for you to have to go through this.

There is not a shadow of doubt in my mind there’s someone else, absolutely 100% confident. I suspect, as someone else already said, she’s also still in a relationship and he doesn’t want to jump ship until he’s absolutely sure he has her to go to. I’ve known a lot of couples split and I’ve never EVER seen a man leave a woman without another one to go to, it’s just how they’re wired.

However, regardless of whether or not he is already in another relationship, he has absolutely checked out of yours, so please, please, please, stop wasting your life waiting around for him to give you the final push, life is genuinely too short, and go out and start living YOUR life, for YOU. See a solicitor, get your ducks in a row and start the divorce ASAP.

I'm assuming (maybe wrongly) that the counselling is marriage/relationship guidance? However, it seems that your DH isn't invested in the relationship and has already "checked out." One partner can't save a relationship. My advice would be to start making plans for you (you deserve better) and your children. Get information, see a solicitor, work out what you want to do and make sure any split is done on your terms and your time line. It may seem like the end of the world but it's not; there is a better future for you, without being saddled to a man who doesn't want to be there.

I agree with this I'm afraid.

You deserve so much better. And he is a selfish coward.

OP you say you don’t have access to his phone, what would happen if you asked to have a look at his phone? I understand you are loath to stir the pot. Reading the part you play (and it’s substantial) in this marriage I think you are most certainly entitled to begin being a little more assertive.

If your request is met with refusal, then I think, sadly, you’ve got to assume he is hiding something.

So sorry OP he is treating you very badly.

He has not only checked out of the marriage but he is also behaving like a cowardly twat in waiting for you to be the one that makes the call.

It seems like he wants you to be bad guy who actually ends it to somehow save his conscience.