Upset my SIL has not invited my children to his daughter’s party

[Sunshineandrain999]

All in the title. Hurt and upset as I’ve invited her children to all of my children’s parties. Even when one of my daughters was 2 months old and I put on a spread in the pokey like house we were renting at the time. She’s invited people from her church but not us. Feels like we’re an after thought. Not to mention we are probably moving countries in the next year so time is precious spent with the little ones. We are the only family my brother’s got within an hour radius. AIBU?

OP it sounds like you have a very long standing and close relationship with your SIL so could you not just have a conversation with her and talk to her about how you feel about all of it? If you were close enough to speak to her regularly about your own children surely you can have a heart to heart with her about this and let her know how you feel?

sometimes MN posters are so blinkered by their need to see absolute equality that they fail to grasp that some of us live pretty normal lives. Yes of course in some kind of utopian world your brother would be a hands on party planner alive to every social event their children are involved in.. back on planet earth the NORMAL split in life admin especially child activities are down to the person who is either a stay at home parent or part time worker BECAUSE they take on these tasks and yes I’m afraid that the NORMAL situation is that it is the female. Yes of course their are SAH fathers but in my 64 year I have met 2 and yes they did sort the parties .as the other parent worked full time to support the family financially. So with young family and a baby I would hazard a guess that she is not working outside the home to the extent your brother is - so this stuff is literally her job @Sunshineandrain999

This is about your relationship with your brother. It’s easier to be angry with her than him because, I’m guessing, your family didnt model open conversation because it wasn’t safe. So you’ve been groomed to identify a scapegoat when there is a problem rather than the person who actually has the connection to you. I’d be interested to know if one of your parents was an enabler to the others’ dysfunction? Really op this is as old as the hills. Don't fall for it.

I don't think she is saying it is SIL's "fault"; she is just saying she feels hurt, Clearly her relationship was with the SIL not her DB. That might say a million terrible things about her DB, or it might just say that: that she and sil got on better.

I think the whole misogyny theme is a tedious derail.

Op it's normal to feel hurt. I don't think it is worth saying anything, as there are dozens of reasons SIL might not have asked your DC and many of them are perfectly reasonable. But we can still feel hurt by things regardless - and I can see why you would.

I think children's parties do tend to get quite complex in terms of the dynamics in the room depending on which children are invited. I have sometimes not invited friends from outside the school group as I have worried that either my dc will gravitate to the main group and the child will be left out, or that dc will pair off and neglect the wider group. DC are funny little things who are still learning socially, and sometimes we need to make adaptations that forsee those issues. But nonetheless, not being invited does hurt - even if she had a reason for it.

I agree. It's otherwise known as having "a bee in your bonnet."

It turns so many threads into such boring tosh.

So if you're always making the effort with your SIL, I'd take a step back personally. It is lovely to have a close family, however she clearly isn't bothered about that, and you can't force it. By giving her some room, you also give her the opportunity to make more of an effort.

And yes, your DB should be getting off his arse

She literally says it was her SIL’s fault.

Very gently, OP, I am not sure SIL wants you at this party. You don't invite people to parties out of obligation but because you would like their company. Her reasons for not inviting you might be benign: there's a lot of you and it would make too many people, she just wants her family, she has another idea about how to spend this special day or she doesn't think it's such a big deal.

You sound like you disapprove of SIL. People attending your events is unrelated to you attending theirs. It doesn't follow that because you invited her to your child's party she will invite you to hers. We can all invite who we want to our houses as we see fit. Nobody owes you an invite or can be compelled to attend.

I hosted on my DD's first birthday: we had tea and cake and a houseful of family and kids from baby groups with their parents. It was nice but added an element of stress to the day. I resolved that next year we would go out for dinner on her actual birthday so someone else would cook and I could have a celebratory glass of wine. Any other celebrations are held at another time. This has worked for us. Maybe your SIL is wiser than me and has worked this out ahead of time.

OP, I think you are holding onto all this a bit tightly with your interpretation of the transactional nature of relationships. Nobody owes you an invite and equally it isn't a terrible reflection on you as a person/family if no invite is forthcoming.

Also, if they are cancelling on a regular basis, make sure to invite others who will turn up. You can't force these things.

I am not a fan of last minute cancellations personally and try not to do it, but equally I don't give too much thought to the cancellations of others. I might not only invite them the next time so the event goes ahead though and it would be taken into account a little in the future, without offence being taken. We all have people in our circle who are more likely to cancel. Anticipate it and just enjoy their company if they come.

I don't think she is saying it is SIL's "fault";

She literally says it is her sister in laws fault and many, many times she defends her belief that it is her sister in law’s fault.

It is semi irrelevant though because she is deeply lonely and struggling to make friends. That is guaranteed to be down to how other people experience interactions with her. She needs to look inwards and make some changes if she wants this to change.

What a load of tosh.

What I mean is I think this is about her friendship with SIL: she isn't making a statement that in families it falls to the women to do the work of inviting. She also "literally says" she doesn't have much of a relationship with her DB.

People are allowed to have relationships with their SIL without the brother needing to feature. That's not misogyny.

If you are leaving the country soon, the cousins are never going to have a close relationship with their aunt and uncle or one year old cousin. While you look at it as time is precious, it’s not very realistic.

I understand why you are hurt. I just think your expectations are a bit off at the same time.

I find misogyny much more tedious than MN posts about misogyny. Each to their own.

This post says it all.

How old are her kids?

Maybe your SIL told him to sort out his side and he didn’t bother. Maybe he wanted to invite you and she said no. Either way, you’ve a brother problem and you’re pinning it on the SIL.

Are your four a lot to handle? Especially together, a sibling group can dominate, maybe she doesn't like that.

It might be the SIL's "job" to organise the party but if Op's brother really wanted his sister & her 4 kids there he'd mention it wouldn't he?

It seems there's a lot going on that might be relevant that isn't mentioned though!

But without that I'd say that a one year old's party doesn't have to include older cousins.

That probably explains it. Your brother vetoed you. Blame him not his wife.

It is semi irrelevant though because she is deeply lonely and struggling to make friends.

I can't really say I'm surprised, considering that her deleted post was because she called a poster who had the audacity to disagree with her a c**t.

So they're Mormon, having a party, and there will be people from their ward. They're not likely to invite you/socialise with you and your family since you've left the church. Much less since you were excommunicated.

It was totally accepted all round in the family so there was no cruelty involved. Maybe when you realise my children had over 20 first cousins of various ages you will see it made sense. Its easier to manage a party when all kids know each other from school. Cousins did numerous activities together over the holidays so were never neglected or ignored. Some of my kids best friends now they are grown are their cousins so absolutely no cruelty involved just practicalities.