Upset my SIL has not invited my children to his daughter’s party

[Sunshineandrain999]

All in the title. Hurt and upset as I’ve invited her children to all of my children’s parties. Even when one of my daughters was 2 months old and I put on a spread in the pokey like house we were renting at the time. She’s invited people from her church but not us. Feels like we’re an after thought. Not to mention we are probably moving countries in the next year so time is precious spent with the little ones. We are the only family my brother’s got within an hour radius. AIBU?

You sound massively overinvolved and emotionally attached to a supposed relationship your children have with a one year old.

Their baby isn’t entertainment for your children. They’re having a bday party for a 1 year old, which means they’re having a party with adult friends. As you say, babies don’t have friends. Your brother doesn’t give a shit. So you are expecting your sil to give up 6 ‘spaces’ at her party for your girls entertainment. Sorry op, she doesn’t have to.

That's an edit and a half. Very different.

You do know that anyone who wants to see what you originally wrote only has to click on "Edited", don't you?

@Sunshineandrain999 how do you know all the party info, who is attending etc? But your brother knows nothing?

Do they have other children or is it their only child's first birthday that you think your 4 older ones should be invited to?

Well, you're more invested in the relationship than they are, but that's surely been evident all along.

If this is a sample of your level of overreaction, I imagine you are pretty difficult to be around. If you'd like your children to see the baby, suggest visiting at a time that suits everyone.

Sounds like your brother doesn’t want your children there.

Your brother is the one you should be mad at. But by your excuses of him being useless it seems you think that everything should fall to women.

You have no problem framing your brother as useless to excuse him. Your SIL by your definition is also useless so accept that in the same way you have for him. The misogynistic way you are blaming her because she’s female and therefore biologically less useless in your eyes is problematic.

You live an hour away. You have four children. So if she invites you, that's six people.
It's a party for a one year old. She's likely to be inviting other mums with babies. That's entirely normal.

Cousins weren't invited to my children's parties either. We had family (who lived a similar distance) around at other points for cake etc, if they were available.

You are overreacting massively.

Historically how has your relationship been with your sibling, over the decades?

Sounds like your SIL is fed up with having to be the only one to facilitate a relationship with her husband's family and has put her foot down - or with four children to manage is done with your useless brother and doesn't have time or energy to worry about hurt feelings any more.

It's interesting that if she had posted on here about the situation the advice would be - DH's family, his issue - and people would be advising that she stopped facilitating a relationship with you and left it to him to step up for once. He gets to be useless because you all allow it!

They are Mormon and may do a prayer. Thinking they wouldn’t want me there as I left the church when I was 18 (well, was excommunicated).

^ from OP but then edited to hide it.

@Sunshineandrain999 , it's against MN rules to totally change the content of a post through editing. It's for typos and clarifications only.

If you're excommunicated, of course you aren't going to be invited.

I'm sorry you and your older kids weren't invited. I feel your sister in law made the effort for this relationship. Easier to have four nieces to visit, if you aren't a new mother!
You say your brother/her husband is rubbish. Your sil probably struggling with baby, sleepless nights. Probably invited local mum friends and helpers, with whom her relationship deepened.
Sorry, but you are an hour away. She may not have the energy for five extra people. Your brother isn't involved, may actually grumble about extra guests, more expense.

Well, that's quite the update. Without going into the rights and wrongs of this religion, if you were excommunicated from the church at 18 it actually seems quite unusual that those still in the church have facilitated an ongoing relationship with your family to this extent.

The reason you have to go through your SIL is because of your useless brother. Maybe she is making a stand and not doing wife work for his side of the family. If he doesn’t even know there is a party then he sounds like a useless parent as well as a useless husband and brother. Don’t blame your SIL

How old is the child?

A party for a 2 month old is a party for the parents.

DD recently turned 6 and she was very clear that she wanted only the girls from her class at school. Some of the boys' parents are very good friends of ours, and I also have close friends with children of around the same age, but it wasn't a party for me, it was for her, and she doesn't have to invite the people who are important to me, or even her cousins (none who are close in age) just because I would want to see them.

This is not on your sil, it's only on your brother.
It's absolutely not up to her to involve his family on anything. That's on him.
You say "oh he's shit" so there you go, he's shit and doesn't want a relationship. It's not up to your sil to make up for that.

Why would your kids so desperately want to go to a one year old baby's birthday party? The child themselves is too young to know what a birthday is and also too young to play with children of school age. Having a party for a baby seems pretty self indulgent really.

Stop buying them cards etc if they aren't reciprocated and stop inviting them to things so much. Match their energy.

It’s really awkward mixing cousins and school friends for parties of young kids. Usually someone feels left out and gets upset.

The SIL is fed up with being expected to do all the wifework and who can blame her.

Your dear brother cannot be bothered to maintain a relationship with you, so that's that.

It’s pretty normal to make less effort with family who decide to move abroad. Your kids aren’t going to have a close relationship growing up with their cousins in different countries so why bother making the effort now.

You have no expectations for your brother but you have put your sister in law in the role for

1. family organiser

2. the person who gets the flak if your expectations aren’t met.

That is on your conditioning and thinking @Sunshineandrain999 start questioning yourself and change the roles you assign to your brother and sister in law you have this all messed up.

Just saw that she has left the church and her SIL and family are still in it - that is hugely important information. There are places I can't go because I married out of my religion - cousins and family members who cut me off and I would never be able to mix with their other friends and family. So seems a much simpler answer here really - your SIL is part of a religion that you have left and it would be very odd to have you all in the same place at once. And I can't work out why you'd even want to be there.