Upset my SIL has not invited my children to his daughter’s party

[Sunshineandrain999]

All in the title. Hurt and upset as I’ve invited her children to all of my children’s parties. Even when one of my daughters was 2 months old and I put on a spread in the pokey like house we were renting at the time. She’s invited people from her church but not us. Feels like we’re an after thought. Not to mention we are probably moving countries in the next year so time is precious spent with the little ones. We are the only family my brother’s got within an hour radius. AIBU?

When the baby is turning one the party is to celebrate that with the other mums of babies that will be within SIL's social sphere. These are the people that she is friends with, goes to baby classes/groups with, has meet ups for coffee with on a regular basis. If she invites you and all your children, it's a totally different vibe. The focus of the mums will not be on the birthday baby, their own infants and each other, it will be forced towards your dc. That's not what SIL is aiming for, so your family aren't invited. It's not that she dislikes you/your kids, just that she wants a different vibe for this occasion.

When my baby was one, I didn't have a lot of mum friends so had more of baby's GPs, aunts & nieces/nephews who were a little older than mine - oldest was three. That party had a very different vibe from the ones I held later as he got older, and once in school I focused on inviting kids in his class rather than cousins. Not personal to the cousins but I wanted to develop school friendships and reciprocate for parties my child had attended.

Your SIL and DB were rude in not letting you know promptly that they wouldn't be coming to your kids' parties, I'd be miffed about that. Since you're moving away anyway, I'd start embracing the distance there seems to be between you. Unfortunate but relationships are two-way and if they won't engage, there's nothing you can do but move on.

Have you asked her? It could be a number of reasons. Maybe she feels that as your kids are older that they wouldnt want to go. Maybe its a numbers or space issue.
How did you find out about the party? Say you heard she's having a party and wondered if there is a reason your kids havent been invited? Suggest you guys go out somewhere to celebrate for another day?

OP the reason you're getting srick is because your brother has made it clear that facilitating a relationship woth your family is not a priority for him. Full stop.

Your SIL is walking a fine line of making some half hearted attempts wothout stepping out of line with your brothers wishes so being mad at her is totally misplaced.

Stop making her the bad guy.

I'm sorry that it hurts your feelings to face up to your brother not being invested in being the family you want but you need to face up to it before you drag your kids further into this mess where they aren't wanted.

My brother is the same. We don't see him. He has seen his niece twice and she is 10. It's his choice.

Do your 4 girls who dote on the baby totally dominate them and not let anyone else get a look in?

Something similar happened within my family and my relative had to stop inviting that particular branch of the family as the baby was treated like a doll.

I understand it is upsetting but at this point you need to take the hint and stop bothering with people who are telling you with their actions they don't want to bother with you.

Try to make friends with people who want a relationship with you. You will be so much happier for it.

Agree I’m shocked at the the things ghe op is writing it is so sexist and misogynistic. She’s totally giving her brother a pass and blaming it all on his wife, even though this woman has clearly went out her way to foster a relationship

op, it’s not on her, your issue is with your brother, you need to get your head round that. Having a penis doesn’t excuse him.

give your head a wobble.

So why do you keep sending cards when they don’t? Why do you keep making the effort to go to events when they don’t? They don’t see you as close family and by the sounds of things never have. It’s really your brothers job to at least request you’re invited and if he’s not doing that, as a minimum, you need accept he’s not interested in you being there. It’s possible his wife has had an epiphany and said, ‘Sod it, I’m not doing his job for him anymore’, or he may even have told her not to invite you. Going forward, you need to match their energy. My ex DH’s side of the family (4 siblings) only see each other once a year at a pre Christmas meal organised by their parents. The rest of the year it’s as though they don’t exist to each other. They get along fine at the meal, catch up, and then go back to their own lives.

This is a real norm on here, depressingly. The assumption is that all men delegate maintaining family relationships to their wives because apparently their penises get in the way of remembering birthday cards, buying their nieces and nephews Christmas presents and RSVPing to invitations, whereas women are 'naturals' at these things.

In reality, of course, it's much easier to project all the things you don't like about your blood relative onto the person they married.

If you use the "quote" button or the @ sign, people will know who you are replying to

Just because the children are cousins....
You need to reflect op.

You are making excuses for him. If he desperately wanted you there, he would say so. It doesn't matter who does the organising. Surely you communicate with your brother and ask why you and DC have not been invited, he will either insist that you are there or not.

Why are you trying to force a friendship, OP? Do you not have friends of your own?

No, she doesn't. She's started a few threads about the fact that she's isolated herself since moving home/having kids.

God I can see why you are having problems maintaining relationships @Sunshineandrain999 it is a real shame for you that you can’t see the issues with the ways you are behaving and thinking and it is definitely harming your life not anyone else who is posting here.

My SIL appointed me as having all of these types of roles in her life too and I just had to pull right back. It was so draining dealing with her expectations, like you she is so angry and resentful about it but like the problematic behaviour that was her to fix, these emotions are her problems to deal with too.

I feel very sorry for you, you are being your own worst enemy here.

So, to summarise, the OP is an unhappy SAHM to four children, who moved back to the UK from Australia for her husband's sake, doesn't like where she lives, feels isolated, paranoid and incapable of making friends, and regretting that her family is not in contact very much. And is an excommunicated ex-Mormon.

All this seems to be being projected onto a single lack of invitation to a one year old's birthday tea.

If I was having a do for a one year old, I’d probably invite friends who also have one year olds and have kids of baby toys there. I wouldn’t invite families with 4 older children who would need different entertainment.

That was my first thought. Perhaps they just want friends there who aren’t likely to think they’re entitled to dominate things just because they’re family.

You wouldn't have ANY type of relationship at all with his wife if your brother hadn't married her so, yes - take it up with your brother.

Why are you mad at the wife here? My in-laws are like this, if my husband does something they don't like they assume it's me (it's usually both of us saying no/declining the invite), if I go to the effort to do something nice they assume it is my husband (it isn't 99.9% of thr time)! It's weird the hate sisters inparticular have for sister in laws, we really don't control them how you think! I'm sure if your brother was desperate to invite you, he would have. You need to direct all this at your brother.

Also I imagine 4 young "doting" girl cousins is quite a lot, having 4 kids full stop is a lot but I imagine if they are trying to play dolly's with their baby it can get a bit much trying to manage that. I've been in this situation but with twin girl relatives, it was hard work protecting a baby from their well meaning excitable wanting to hold/carry them etc. I imagine 4 is twice as hard!

then you have a brother problem?

How bizarre. Of course your SIL is prioritising her church friends over you. 🤦🏻‍♀️

They’re bloody Mormons, for goodness sake and you’ve left their (cult) church.
(Excommunicated in your own words.)

You know exactly why you’re being ditched so you might as well accept that you won’t have a relationship with them in the future other than extremely superficial.

Why is it cruel? Surely a child's birthday party is for the children the child plays with. Often numbers are limited and isn't it better if the child is allowed to invite the friends they actually play with rather than cousins that they might not?
They can celebrate together in other ways.
Ops situation is much more complex but in general it's not's cruel to not invite cousins to a birthday party

Who told you they are having a party? I know you see it as your sip’s responsibility but maybe she has had enough of trying to make it work with her husbands family when he can’t be bothered to put in the effort himself?

Give it up. It is what it is. Life is too short for this level of resentment.

My sister is better at staying in touch than my brother is. That's how it is with some families.

Do the children get on?