Upset my SIL has not invited my children to his daughter’s party

[Sunshineandrain999]

All in the title. Hurt and upset as I’ve invited her children to all of my children’s parties. Even when one of my daughters was 2 months old and I put on a spread in the pokey like house we were renting at the time. She’s invited people from her church but not us. Feels like we’re an after thought. Not to mention we are probably moving countries in the next year so time is precious spent with the little ones. We are the only family my brother’s got within an hour radius. AIBU?

Lived overseas for 20 years and have had more contact with my SIL than brother during all that time. She was the one calling when I had all my babies. Yes in a utopia men would have equal say in who comes to a child’s party. But this is my reality - she did the organising. She always has the say. Not ideal but the reality in this situation

So when I say I’m peeved off with her too I have good reason.

My brother and I are not close. My SIL I thought up until now were.

We did the same. None of the, seemed to think it was cruel. Once they started school they had a party for school friends and sometimes friends they had met outside of school but not their cousins. The cousins are all very close and are now aged between 17 and 22.

They all have relationships with one another. They did things like going to stay with each other at university, going to one another’s achievements like award ceremonies and school plays. I’ve got the 17 year old staying here for a week and going to my dh’s office on work experience.

We have never invited cousins to parties as only hold small parties and my children have 10 cousins!

could it be that she has invited her mum friends with babies all the same age and no one with much older children like yourself.

not sure why you are upset wih her, your brother has a voice. Mine failed to use his and backed his wife all the way. No one speaks to either of them, including their adult children, says it all really.

Either blood it’s important to you or it isn’t.

Either you are upset because they are cousins or you are upset because you are close with your SIL and consider her a good friend.

So, you are saying that you think that your brother said to invite you and your SIL refused?

If I was SIL I’d be following my husband’s lead. If he doesn’t care to make the effort with his own family I’m certainly not going out of my way to do differently.

No, my brother would’ve said nothing as usual

My DC also don't like to mix their friends with their cousins at things like birthday parties. We do a family party with grandparents, aunties/uncles and cousins (usually just a cake at whatever family gathering/sunday lunch we were doing anyway the closest weekend to the birthday) and a separate school friends party at a soft play/go karting/laser quest etc.

Your SIL may just have invited her other friends with babies and it wouldn't have occurred to her that your DC would want to come to a baby party. I wouldn't take it personally.

Brother probably doesn’t even know party is happening. Sad for the kids, as for me they’ve shown their true colours and I’m ready to park the relationship. Constantly have to chase them up to arrange get togethers. That’s not a friendship.

I don't normally do so, but looking back at the OP's other posts, it does make more sense. OP, I'm sorry that you have no other social engagement and see why you'd be counting on this for you and your kids.

But it's still the woman's fault. Always the woman's fault.

Thank you for actually showing empathy

She has arranged the party and I have the relationship with her and invite her to everything I throw L, not my brother. So yes, it is her fault.

I don’t why some think this is such an attack on another woman and are fixated on this fact. Get a grip.

I note you say your brother is rubbish at stuff like this and it's all down to your SIL. Maybe she's had enough now and thinks it's his family, he can sort it. Crap for you, but don't really blame her. Maybe this is her making a stand against her useless husband.

They’ll be grateful for your absence then, crack on

He is useless, that’s the truth. But I have a relationship with her and that’s a factor too

Well I can't see why your brother gets out of this just because he's useless. You are enabling him to be useless by focussing your energy on your SIL here.

Kindly - I think this relationship will never be what you want it to be. If your children are 9 and under and she has a baby that's a very different age range. Maybe she's keeping it small or just having a few wee friends for her baby. Maybe she finds 4 older kids overwhelming. Either way you are moving soon so this is the only time this will be an issue, probably easier for all of you to just focus on other people as they aren't interested in what you want.

You’re the one expecting more from SIL than your own brother. She’s following his lead, he doesn’t care so why on earth should she.

You want to dramatically bow out, do it, you’ll save your SIL this drama next time. Everyone’s a winner!

I think empathy can go both ways. She's a new mum, juggling a lot, with a useless husband. You're not going to be around long term and you haven't been part of her local support network this year (understandable, you're an hour away), so she may be protecting herself and her child a bit as well from future separation. You have four kids so that when you do come to a party it's a lot of extra children.

I don't know the details or size of the party she's organising, and clearly they have form for being thoughtless or not understanding how much value you place on the relationship - but I can also see reasons why she might have prioritised others.

I'd feel upset at the lack of invite however it was your brothers responsibility to invite you not your SIL's so if you are upset speak to your brother about why he hasn't.

Yes, it's not her SIL's fault that the OP has (in her own words) isolated herself from everyone. It doesn't mean that she is now responsible for the OP, sad as that may be for the OP.