Aunt has planned and billed us for a wake we did not want/ask for

[achromaticdudgeon]

Background

My father's elderly brothers and sisters are hard work, and I avoid them as much as I can - there are loads of them, and they love a good moan. Everything always could have been better, done better or handled better if you had only just done as they wanted or as they said.

My Dad died at the beginning of the year in an unexpected and fraught way. While I was abroad trying to get it sorted, my siblings ended up having to run a campaign of interference because they were hounding me so much that I was not able to actually get stuff done and sort out the issues at hand. They made a horrible situation so much worse with the constant drama. (They were being regularly updated) One Aunt, to give you a flavour of the issues, kept ringing and ringing because she wanted me to take time away from sorting the cremation/repatriation, and take a two-day trip during my 'holiday' to his house in a different city to find a particular photo.

To my issue

This afternoon, I have come home to being CC'd into an email to the photo Aunt from a relative in Canada who is checking in about some aspects of catering and accommodation for the service/wake.

We have not planned a service/wake.

1. He had been very clear that he didn't want one
2. His partner doesn't want to have one
3. His wife (our mother - they remained on very good terms - but split for many years) doesn't want to have one
4. My siblings agree with his, his partner and our Mums wishes
5. Our plan was a small remembrance event next year, which would have been a significant birthday of his and more in his style/wants
6. He cost us all a fortune because of the poor choices he made at the time, so there is no money for an event right now, regardless

It appears my Aunt has taken it upon herself to plan something without asking us, which would be fine, she can plan an event for his side of the family - they can grieve in the way they choose to.....

However, she has now sent an email to the attention of the executor of the estate attaching invoices for catering/bar costs, printed sundries, flowers and venue fees for an eye-watering sum of money.

The email I wrote in reply was blistering.....in no way tactful, insensitive to the fact they are grieving too and not in the slightest bit polite, and I was banned by my siblings from sending it lest I start a whole new world war.

I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO tempted to just send it anyway, and be damned with them all that I need to be talked down.

I wouldn't bother with a solicitors letter, that's just more expense, but I do think it's worth mentioning that there isn't any money in the estate. At the very least it saves anyone labouring under that delusion.

Have only read OPs posts, but I would simply reply that there is NO money in the Estate and the immediate family prioritised paying for his care whilst alive and can not subsidise a party he didn't want. But they should feel free to crack on at their own expense.

Send it, she might FINALLY get the message!

Ask one of your siblings to reply. It sounds like they've got your back, and you have enough on your plate.

Aaa see the irish in me would just say "Ya know what the price of interfering is? Fk all. And that's what ya getting. On witch'ya" ...but don't do that....the nerve of her.
Condolences on the loss of your dad and i'm sorry they'remaking an already horrible situation even worse.
My dad died in 2017. All he asked was he please be cremated the rest was up to us. He was a very well known, loved man so we had a simple funeral but quite a big wake & even though me & my brothers hadn't spoken in around 6yrs we all sorted it very civilised.

My mum on the other hand opted for a simple cremation, no service no wake. And that's what she got.

I'd just keep it short and sweet

"Hello X,
We are not planning any events, as requested by the deceased. You can do as you please but be aware it is at your own expense. Please do not send any further invoices to the estate, they will be ignored.
Regards, OP."

OP, I'm sorry for your loss 💐

Dear Aunt,

We are writing to you as executors of the estate of Name. You have informed us you have organised a wake for Name, and you have requested reimbursement for the costs for this event from the estate (refer email dated).

1. Under the law, an Estate can only pay for a wake if a provision for a wake was specifically made in the will.
2. Dad did not want a wake, so there is no provision for a wake in his will. It was his directly expressed wish not to have a wake.
3. As such, we cannot legally authorise any payment from the Estate for any expense associated with a wake.

The legal position is clear, the Estate cannot pay for the wake you have organised - a wake was not included in Dad's will and holding a wake is against his expressed wishes. We are legally only allowed to access the Estate for authorised funeral expenses defined by the law or the will; a wake not requested by the will is not an allowed expense.

Unfortunately, you acted without consultation with representatives of the estate or the immediate family, otherwise we could have informed you of the legal position and Dad's wishes regarding a wake.

It is entirely your decision to cancel the wake event you have organised or to host it at your own expense.

Regards, Names.

(maybe cc all the siblings, yours and the aunt's).

My younger brother and I had a similar situation with our older brother when our father died. YB and I were firm with OB that Dad had not wanted a wake and we - as executors - were neither attending nor paying for one out of the estate, but he was free to hold and pay for one.

I am a little bit confused too - it sounds like you are getting together for SOME event just not a wake. You could therefore be in a place where you could all see them and any drama will impinge on your own grieving. In which case, don't send the blistering email for your own (and others) sanity.

Or has that all happened and this is some sort of event she is spearheading that is highly optional? (Even if you are getting together, it is still optional but I mean is this something you could swerve entirely by not even being geographically close to her?)

If you don't have to see her/them I would be tempted to send the blistering email and be done with them, honestly.

If the situation is the first, what I would be saying to her is:

"Sorry, I'm confused [Auntie Daft Bint],

We are not planning a wake at this time, in line with my father's wishes. We are planning to host a remembrance service around the time of his [significant birthday] next year.

You are of course welcome to host any event that you choose, but this will need to be at your own expense.

For the avoidance of doubt, no provision was made for any funeral costs, such as a wake, in the estate, which is also currently in deficit.

Best FOTFSOF
Achromatic."

You can just ignore the bills, you don't have a contractual arrangement with any of those people.

If you get any invoices sent to you directly from the suppliers, it would be straightforward - you just ask them to prove that you agreed services with them. You have not, no idea who implied you had or implied they were the Executor and in a position to authorise it.

If she was implying SHE was the Executor then I guess she can be done for fraud, etc.

Better for her to avoid that.

But what is the alternative? It sounds like you'll have to explain to them that no-one wants this and there isn't any money in the estate to pay for it, and then block them on your phone and elsewhere till they get over themselves.

Sorry for the loss of your father , I know too well what it’s like when other relatives feel they have a say in how things are done, how the elderly relative is cared for once they can’t look after themselves adequately , and also once they become ill and end of life .
In fact one particular family in my situation was outright nasty , left me near to tears a few times.
Anyhow , write the email safe as a draft but don’t send it .
As PPs have said just write an email stating very simply that they’re welcome to have a wake as they wish but the estate has no funds for this so it will be out of their own pockets.
I’m glad I took it upon myself to organise my parent’s funeral and pay for it in advance from their funds .
Myself and siblings had to be out of pocket for a few hundred for sundries and an afternoon tea in a nice venue that he’d have liked .

Sorry for the late update, but I ended up being dragged into this mess and dealing with it all last night.

Just to clear up some questions I saw. My dad died unexpectedly abroad on his own. So there was a cremation and repatriation - no funeral. The invoices are for a venue with a bar/catering cover at a set sum as part of the costs. They have not been paid. I should also mention there was never any intention to invite the other side of the family to the event next year because..... drama. Just the partner, our Mum, siblings and spouses.

I sent a very factual email, agreed upon and written in collaboration with my siblings. It was not all that different from one or two that were posted here. We were very pleased with it and thought it was pleasant, firm, but inoffensive.

Within 20 mins, my Dads eldest brother was calling the other executor livid as we made Photo Aunt cry. How could we not have some kind of gathering, yes they knew he didn't want a wake, but people are grieving, and funerals and wakes are for the living to process, and it's so cold-hearted of us not to do SOMETHING to allow people to show their respect. It was like he never mattered, and that Photo Aunt was just trying to be helpful by stepping in because we clearly were overwhelmed, because there hadn't been some kind of acknowledgement, and he died at the beginning of the year.

How rude we were because we declined to pay - how could we not honour our father? How could we leave it so they didn't get to honour our father?. Then he started throwing allegations of there being money in the estate what was happening to this asset? That asset? They were more than enough to pay for a wake? The executer was calm but quite firm, explaining that there is no requirement to pay for a wake, at which point the eldest started roaring that what is moral/right and what is a requirement are two different matters - this is the death of their brother, and we are nitpicking over 'requirements'. The executor hung up at that point.

While that call was going on, one of the other Aunts rang another of our siblings to have a go - same record, how could we upset them at this time - they were grieving, how heartless could we all be?. At that point, one of my cousins turned up at the door. While my cousin was ringing the doorbell Dads eldest decided to ring me, telling me that he was shocked we would not have some kind of event. I said I had to go, there was someone at the door (hung up but didn't answer the door lol). My email exploded with shocked responses as an upset Photo Aunt called everyone in the family and gave them all my contact information.

By the end of the evening, I had 12 emails, 6 missed calls, two visits (ignored) and a gazillion texts. I had calls flying back and forth with my siblings to keep each other updated. Today we have all turned off our phones and OOO our emails. We are meeting up tonight to do a further text/email out (which might be more in line with the tone from my original email :D)

I've said on Mumsnet before - I love it when people try to tell others how to spend their money.

This is shocking. I’m so sorry you and your siblings are having to deal with such shit at a time like this. I hope they’ll get the message and back off soon.

God in Govan, I'm so sorry for you all. What an absolutely horrible situation. My best wishes to you and your immediate family that you come through this in peace x

wow!! just read your update. They sounds like incredibly hard work.

Stick to it though, there is no hope I would be paying for a party I didn't want, my siblings didn't want, his partner didn't want, not his (ex?) wife. And that he did not want!!!

And as you said there is no money in the estate to cover it anyway

If they want a wake-they pay-it really is that simple isn't it?

Honestly, if thy had a get together at someone's house with tea & homemade sandwiches & cake, would they expect that to be paid for?

I doubt it so why would this be different?

As a couple of people on here predicted - it's a 'well you are next of kin, if the estate can't cover the least you could do is cover it yourselves'. Apparently, you can't just do nothing; it's disrespectful to my Dad and disrespectful to the grieving family.

(We have no issue with them doing something - we just have an issue stumping up for it)

Bloody hell OP that’s fucking horrendous-good luck today!

Stick to your guns and go NC.

The answer to that is basically "Yes, and as next of kin we are respecting his wishes. If you want to do something else, we are not paying for it".

Of course people can do nothing if they wish!

Well you've said there's a few of them so it won't cost them much each when the invoices are divvied up!

You and your siblings just need to stand firm on this. You are following his wishes, you are all happy with his decision and will not be arranging any wake.

His family can do something for themselves if they want, organise it and pay for it, but they can't bully you into paying for it or attending.

Wow they are a nightmare and so selfish to be bothering those closest to your dad. It is obnoxious to expect your family (or even the estate if there was one) to pay.