Aunt has planned and billed us for a wake we did not want/ask for

[achromaticdudgeon]

Background

My father's elderly brothers and sisters are hard work, and I avoid them as much as I can - there are loads of them, and they love a good moan. Everything always could have been better, done better or handled better if you had only just done as they wanted or as they said.

My Dad died at the beginning of the year in an unexpected and fraught way. While I was abroad trying to get it sorted, my siblings ended up having to run a campaign of interference because they were hounding me so much that I was not able to actually get stuff done and sort out the issues at hand. They made a horrible situation so much worse with the constant drama. (They were being regularly updated) One Aunt, to give you a flavour of the issues, kept ringing and ringing because she wanted me to take time away from sorting the cremation/repatriation, and take a two-day trip during my 'holiday' to his house in a different city to find a particular photo.

To my issue

This afternoon, I have come home to being CC'd into an email to the photo Aunt from a relative in Canada who is checking in about some aspects of catering and accommodation for the service/wake.

We have not planned a service/wake.

1. He had been very clear that he didn't want one
2. His partner doesn't want to have one
3. His wife (our mother - they remained on very good terms - but split for many years) doesn't want to have one
4. My siblings agree with his, his partner and our Mums wishes
5. Our plan was a small remembrance event next year, which would have been a significant birthday of his and more in his style/wants
6. He cost us all a fortune because of the poor choices he made at the time, so there is no money for an event right now, regardless

It appears my Aunt has taken it upon herself to plan something without asking us, which would be fine, she can plan an event for his side of the family - they can grieve in the way they choose to.....

However, she has now sent an email to the attention of the executor of the estate attaching invoices for catering/bar costs, printed sundries, flowers and venue fees for an eye-watering sum of money.

The email I wrote in reply was blistering.....in no way tactful, insensitive to the fact they are grieving too and not in the slightest bit polite, and I was banned by my siblings from sending it lest I start a whole new world war.

I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO tempted to just send it anyway, and be damned with them all that I need to be talked down.

After your update I'd unleash all my emotions on them. Ignorant fuckers. It might even be cathartic.

Obviously this is where the go and fuck yourself comes in.

Well done @achromaticdudgeon

Be clear that you are not stopping them grieving their brother.
They can do whatever they like but that means paying for it as well.

*We have not planned a service/wake.

1. He had been very clear that he didn't want one*

Your dad didn't want a wake, the only one's being disrespectful are his siblings.

If they want a get together then it's up to them to club together and pay for it or have it at one of their own houses.

As others have said - Wow! The thing that really sticks out is that your Dad himself didn't want it, so any disrespect to him is from them.

What would be really disrespectful would be going against your father's wishes

Oh my god. You have my deepest sympathies. This is not what you need. You are his child. You are grieving too. I just don’t get their point of view at all. Glad you have family standing firm with you on this.

Well done for what you've done so far.

Every single further contact needs to have grey rock boring response "you are quite at liberty to hold the event you want at your own expense. Neither the estate nor the executors will be contributing"

Nb you mentioned earlier "the estate has minus money" and just to emphasise this - debts cannot be inherited. If he died in debt the creditors do not have a claim on any living person. The only costs you have to pay are for your choices about decent disposal of the body if the estate can't cover that - and even that cost can be avoided in some circumstances.

Yeah I'd probably go on the offensive with that. I actually think it would be fine for them to do something, this stuff is about the living as much as the dead, but if they're going to be obnoxious then mirror that right back to them.

"we are following his wishes"

That is how you reply to every single communication. You don't say any more. To every rant you reply "we are following his wishes"

They are a nightmare. There's no point in even trying to explain yourselves further. "We are following his wishes"

Yes, I expected the same - or in other words they want a piss up and for someone else to pay

As so many have said, you're the executor so you get to decide these things. The rest is just noise, so leave them to their drama and they'll no doubt move onto something else in time

This is crazy, so sorry you’re going through this. When my grandad died his evil wife took his entire estate and invoiced my dad who had a young family at the time for the funeral, people are awful.

You genuinely need to tell them to fuck off at this point OP. And throw it back on them: your father would not have wanted them upsetting his partner and children, how dare they upset his NOK, how dare they not respect his wishes etc etc. And if you are planning to have nothing more to do with them, and they keep contacting you, a final message to them all saying you will consider all future attempts at communication as harassment.

'Dad didn't want it, we don't want it. If you want it you pay for it'

presume you won't be attending in any case?

100%

JFC. Block those fuckers totally. This is outrageous.

How dare they plan an event for themselves and just pass the costs to you - there is no reasoning with people like this, they are too far gone.

Is there any reason not to go completely no contact? They sound like really hard work and don't bring anything to your life. I would send a joint email/text/whatsapp from all of you (listed names) to each one of them saying that you find their recent aggressive communication disrespectful to the wishes of your late father and very upsetting to be on the receiving end of, especially while you are grieving. You wish to have no further communication with any of them either directly or through intermediaries. If they continue to contact you, you will report the matter to the police as harassment.

However, she has now sent an email to the attention of the executor of the estate attaching invoices for catering/bar costs, printed sundries, flowers and venue fees for an eye-watering sum of money.

@achromaticdudgeon THIS IS IMPORTANT!!

You need to contact each of these firms ASAP (Today) and tell them that their contract is between Batshit Photo Aunt and themselves and has not and payment will not be authorised by the executors.
Get your and your co-executors names off those invoices.
Give them HER details and get every invoice put in her name TODAY.

I'm very sorry for your loss. 💐

This

I am surprised the Aunt is or was able to organise a wake without putting at least some money down as a deposit with the venue. I organised a small service and wake for my DM a few years ago and DB and I had to pay for most of it upfront.
But it is not clear whether the event has already been held or at least organised but it looks like the Aunt is sending bills and invoices in the expectation of being reimbursed, if not by the estate, then by the OP, her siblings and late DF’s partner.
I’d advise the OP to quickly respond to the aunt saying the executors and NOK did not authorise any wake for her late father as he had expressly stated he did not want one and they are respecting his wishes.
Additionally his estate cannot pay for the event as there are no funds available and the NOK will not be held responsible for it either, for the reasons stated.

Yep, I think your only option now is to grey rock, respond to everything and everyone the same.

I too had an unnecessarily stressful and dramatic experience dealing with my Dad's estate and funeral/wake dealing with extended family - though in a different way.
I think a second email is absolutely appropriate and then you block them all on phones, emails and social media. I would also take this to whatever lawyer you have involved with probate and maybe commission a legal letter getting them to desist. I had to do this. If the harrassment continues I suggest also taking it to the police to register as a complaint.

If the invoice is for the attention of whoever sent the email (the batshit aunt) the OP doesn't have to do anything at all. It's nothing to do with her, the suppliers can't prove she ever requested the services.

She won't have been able to, I'd venture.

One circus, far too many clowns. Unreal.