Aunt has planned and billed us for a wake we did not want/ask for

[achromaticdudgeon]

Background

My father's elderly brothers and sisters are hard work, and I avoid them as much as I can - there are loads of them, and they love a good moan. Everything always could have been better, done better or handled better if you had only just done as they wanted or as they said.

My Dad died at the beginning of the year in an unexpected and fraught way. While I was abroad trying to get it sorted, my siblings ended up having to run a campaign of interference because they were hounding me so much that I was not able to actually get stuff done and sort out the issues at hand. They made a horrible situation so much worse with the constant drama. (They were being regularly updated) One Aunt, to give you a flavour of the issues, kept ringing and ringing because she wanted me to take time away from sorting the cremation/repatriation, and take a two-day trip during my 'holiday' to his house in a different city to find a particular photo.

To my issue

This afternoon, I have come home to being CC'd into an email to the photo Aunt from a relative in Canada who is checking in about some aspects of catering and accommodation for the service/wake.

We have not planned a service/wake.

1. He had been very clear that he didn't want one
2. His partner doesn't want to have one
3. His wife (our mother - they remained on very good terms - but split for many years) doesn't want to have one
4. My siblings agree with his, his partner and our Mums wishes
5. Our plan was a small remembrance event next year, which would have been a significant birthday of his and more in his style/wants
6. He cost us all a fortune because of the poor choices he made at the time, so there is no money for an event right now, regardless

It appears my Aunt has taken it upon herself to plan something without asking us, which would be fine, she can plan an event for his side of the family - they can grieve in the way they choose to.....

However, she has now sent an email to the attention of the executor of the estate attaching invoices for catering/bar costs, printed sundries, flowers and venue fees for an eye-watering sum of money.

The email I wrote in reply was blistering.....in no way tactful, insensitive to the fact they are grieving too and not in the slightest bit polite, and I was banned by my siblings from sending it lest I start a whole new world war.

I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO tempted to just send it anyway, and be damned with them all that I need to be talked down.

And the incompetent Tory Chancellor Reggie Maudling saying to his
Labour successor James Callaghan, ‘Good luck old cock, sorry to leave it in such a mess’.

Actually I would take my time.

Let them have the event, let Aunt pay for it and THEN tell her that there is no money so the estate cannot meet her bill.

She deserves it.

It really just needs a simple sentence.

Dear X, Unfortunately there is no money in the estate, so it will not be possible for this bill to be paid. Best regards achromaticdudgeon

That is enough....

"Dear Aunt

I was surprised to hear that you had planned a wake, as Dad made it very clear that he had no desire for a wake following his death. Unfortunately, his estate has no available funds to meet the cost of a wake, so I am not in a position to pay for the invoices you have sent. I hope you can easily cancel the arrangements you have made so far, so that you are not left with a big bill.

If you decide to go ahead and celebrate Dad's life and choose to meet the full cost, I hope it goes well and is appreciated by those who attend.

Kind regards

Daughter and executor"

Or even.

"No thank you."

I am wondering this too...

Don't send it, and don't pay her ridiculous bills.

Just email back 'No'

I think you need to detach a bit.

They wrote to the Executor, you respond as the Executor. Not as a daughter/niece. Be businesslike.

The estate will not cover the expenses they have submitted as it does not have enough funds to do so. End of story.

Ask ChatGPT to translate it into more polite language that still gets the point across.

No-one with a brain needs to be asking GPT to do this stuff for them. There have been loads of good suggestions in this thread that don't sound like machine talk. Just adapt one of them without turning to a machine.

Don't treat your email as either/or, send or not send.

Treat it as a draft. Now go re-write it and tone it down. One thing I've learned is to write in a white-hot fury, when the words come easily - and then come back in a day or two and make it cool and civil.

If you send the blistering version, the only "good" aspect will be your angry glee. If you send a toned-down version, it may make her think.

Boycott the whole thing and hold your own private memorial. They can't bill you for something you didn't attend.

This

Send a simple reply stating that the estate was in debt and can't afford to reimburse Aunt.
Suggest that she tones down the expenses as much as she can and then asks attendees to help her pay for it. End with - I hope you enjoy getting together in remembrance if it eases the pain of your loss.

Inform her that DF distictly asked for no wake so that is why you will not be organising one.

You are going through an absolute nightmare at the moment and I empathize fully having just unexpectedly lost my Dad suddenly too. It's totally understandable that you were unable to placate the dramatic elements of the extended family while also navigating the legal process in a different country. Personally I feel it's rather disrespectful to organise anything without consulting the next of kin or knowing your Dad's wishes but the cheek of trying to charge the estate is mindbogglingly entitled.

I probably wouldn't send the no holds barred email but you do have to firmly say that they aren't going to be able to recover any money and it's not what he wished for. My Dad didn't want a funeral where everyone attended and neither did Mum, who arguably is the most important living voice in this situation. You wouldn't believe the random vague barely "friends" who objected and kicked off trying to make her feel guilty about it. Like you, we are going to get together with the rest of the family to celebrate his life on his next birthday, as that would be what he'd want to happen.

I'm really sorry for your loss and even more so that you are having to navigate the difficult family dynamics. Hopefully they will get the message when you tell them the first time and enjoy their own wake, without guilt tripping you or trying to run through the none existent estate.🫂

Send it!

Don't send the blistering email,kill her with kindness.

DearAunt,
I really appreciate you kindly organising a wake, it is very thoughtful.

You may not be aware that Dad's closest family have already made arrangements that are in accordance with Dad's wishes.

You are welcome to have the celebration you have organised but as it clashes so much with what Dad wanted, we (the executors) cannot in good faith contribute in any way either financially or otherwise.

I like @oliviaAustin 's suggestion - to the point, not rude. If you don't send the message, photo Aunt is going to assume that you WILL be paying (regardless if you show up to the wake or not)

I would send the email. The aunts have given no thought to what your DF wanted. They are disrepectful and thinking about themselves. If they want to have a wake they should foot the bill.They have an absolute cheek to railroad snd bully their way to get what they want and go against your DF wishes.

They are selfish and need bringing down a peg or two.

I am sorry for your loss. This whole situation wiyh your selfish aunts is so unnessary.

I think her aunt is beyond thinking about anyone else apart from herself. She's proving she wants to go against her brother's wishes. She's a disrepectful amd entitled woman.

You should probably get a solicitor’s letter stating that the estate is not responsible for any expenses occurring as a result of event organised by Aunt, as it defied Dad’s clearly defined wish not to have a wake or memorial. Aunt had been advised that this was his decision, and even if it were not the case, executors were not consulted and would have advised her that the estate simply doesn’t have the funds for this anyway.

My job used to be dealing with deceased accounts. We were allowed to pay the funeral bill from the estate but not any meal or wake. Any bill we received which included the meal or similar we deducted it from the bill and only paid the remaining bill. This was instructed by our legal dept.

I still think you shouldn't even mention the money, it'll only lead to the Aunt coming up with other ideas like the OP paying personally.

But if you feel you need to, something like this above essentially saying "as the deceased explicitly said they didn't want a wake the executors do not have the authority to pay for it"