Aunt has planned and billed us for a wake we did not want/ask for

[achromaticdudgeon]

Background

My father's elderly brothers and sisters are hard work, and I avoid them as much as I can - there are loads of them, and they love a good moan. Everything always could have been better, done better or handled better if you had only just done as they wanted or as they said.

My Dad died at the beginning of the year in an unexpected and fraught way. While I was abroad trying to get it sorted, my siblings ended up having to run a campaign of interference because they were hounding me so much that I was not able to actually get stuff done and sort out the issues at hand. They made a horrible situation so much worse with the constant drama. (They were being regularly updated) One Aunt, to give you a flavour of the issues, kept ringing and ringing because she wanted me to take time away from sorting the cremation/repatriation, and take a two-day trip during my 'holiday' to his house in a different city to find a particular photo.

To my issue

This afternoon, I have come home to being CC'd into an email to the photo Aunt from a relative in Canada who is checking in about some aspects of catering and accommodation for the service/wake.

We have not planned a service/wake.

1. He had been very clear that he didn't want one
2. His partner doesn't want to have one
3. His wife (our mother - they remained on very good terms - but split for many years) doesn't want to have one
4. My siblings agree with his, his partner and our Mums wishes
5. Our plan was a small remembrance event next year, which would have been a significant birthday of his and more in his style/wants
6. He cost us all a fortune because of the poor choices he made at the time, so there is no money for an event right now, regardless

It appears my Aunt has taken it upon herself to plan something without asking us, which would be fine, she can plan an event for his side of the family - they can grieve in the way they choose to.....

However, she has now sent an email to the attention of the executor of the estate attaching invoices for catering/bar costs, printed sundries, flowers and venue fees for an eye-watering sum of money.

The email I wrote in reply was blistering.....in no way tactful, insensitive to the fact they are grieving too and not in the slightest bit polite, and I was banned by my siblings from sending it lest I start a whole new world war.

I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO tempted to just send it anyway, and be damned with them all that I need to be talked down.

For me the answer is simple.

’Thank you for sending us the documents.
However as there is no money in the estate/inheritance, it will not be possible to send you any payment for them.
Dungeon’

Thats it.
No drama. Just stating facts. And absolutely no apology about the fact you’re not going to pay.
Then let them organise and lay fir the wake they want to have.

I vote for this option.

Me too!

Send it, and then post your aunt's reply in this thread.

Like one of the posters upthread I was going to suggest using an AI to re-phrase it and remove the emotion. . Most will ask which "tone" you want so you can suggest cool and assertive. When I feel like being rude to a dishonest thieving customer I ask co-pilot to rephrase it to remove the emotion and draft a response which is chillingly cold and business like.

I agree with others simple sharp communication.

I would check if it is your name on the invoices or hers. If it is yours you might have to let the vendors know that there is no money to pay for it. If it is her name then thats her problem

Sending strength. I would be outraged. Recently dealt with some similar, although not quite as outrageous, behaviour from my extended family after my dad's death. Suffice to say the culprit and I will never get back to where we were. In grief ppl show their true colours and I'm sorry you're going through this.
They had no business going behind your back, they are very much out of order and whether you send the email or not (I'd understand either way and they deserve a piece of your mind tbh) after this I would put the relationship on a very distant level and not feel obligated to maintain much, if any contact xx

Perfect

Excellent.

Op, your urge to send the blistering reply is very understandable! Even so I think it's usually better to be business-like if you can gather the strength to restrain yourself.
Or maybe dont reply at all, leave her hanging & twisting in the wind. Being ignored can be more insulting than being insulted.

Tell your aunt she might be wise to cancel as you have not agreed to a wake or planned a service/wake. DF, his partners and kids do not want one and there is no money to pay for a wake. Most importantly you intend on respecting his wishes not to have a wake

Just send a factual polite email

Tell her no. She can hold whatever ceremony she likes, at her cost.
Your dad did not want this. You do not want this. His partner does not want this.

send and to hell with them all.

I am very sorry that you lost your dad and it sounds like those of you that actually loved him are doing right by him.

I have a similar level of drama loving relatives (not quite so many!) and yeah I could see them barging in like this. Boundaries are not a concept that they understand.

This is a good one.
You need to shut it down straight away.
If they want to hold their own get together, they can but you won't attend nor pay for it

Dear x,

Our dad did not want a wake. He was quite clear about that. As next of kin, we will not go against his wishes and do not authorize one. You do not have the authority to act on behalf of the estate in any way and any funds you spend will be out of your own pocket.

@achromaticdudgeon I'd be blunt. I'd reply: "The estate has no money. I would appreciate your contribution of £X to bring it back to a balanced position. Any celebration you wish to have will need to be self funded."

Yes, I know the estate doesn't need to be brought back to nil, but if they're being CFs, I'd be a CF right back and put my hand out.

Well the fact of the matter is the money isn’t there to pay for it, so no matter what you need to make that clear, OP. But in your shoes I would send the email, let it go nuclear. Sometimes it can be very cathartic (coming from someone who had a couple of blazing rows with her uncle around her father’s funeral). Sometimes people need to be told.

Send them something saying dad didn’t want a wake so out of respect for his wishes we are not having anything as you have chosen to do something off your own back without any input from his children that cost is on you there wasn’t any money available for your celebration so no one will be reimbursed. Do not give them a penny they are cheeky fuckers to even suggest it.

I will never understand the "Oh dont send that, it will cause a huge fall out as they will be so pissed off" mindset. AND?! They clearly do not give one single fuck about pissing you off, tramping all over your wishes and sharp elbowing themselves into your lives!

Fuck them. Seriously. As Lily Allen so eloquently puts it "Fuck [them], Fuck [them] very very much"!

I would wilfully misunderstand their message and say how grateful you are that your father’s siblings are willing to contribute to the costs of settling his estate/repatriation costs. They’ll probably all disappear then.

Simply send back the invoices having stamped them “Unauthorised”’

Nothing else required.

And? Doesn’t sound like much of a loss. You need to send it quickly. Make it factual if you like rather than your draft. At the end of there’s no money I’d add ‘dad was in net debt. If you go ahead with your wake plan on a self funded basis you could all pass the hat around to pay off some of his debts?’

Buried my mother last week. We followed her instructions. She didn't want a wake or fuss. Ashes scattered by the funeral directors at some stage. A non religious send off at the crematorium.

I think we really upset some who attended because there was no catering afterwards. One woman made a very bitchy comment to my husband who replied not the time or the place.

Myself, DH, my brother and wife, sons and an adorable aunt very elderly had been driven up the night before so she attended a lunch we organised. Just eight of us. It was all we wanted for ourselves a chance to be together.

@achromaticdudgeon do as your father wanted.

The bitchy woman probably had a handbag full of tupperwares if my (extensive) experience of wakes is anything to go by, and was disappointed she wasnt getting a weeks worth of free lunches.

I'd say send the email BUT you've already got enough on your plate at the moment.

In time, I'd definitely let her have it.

For now, I agree that you jut need to let her know very clearly that there is no money in the estate and that your family will not be attending or paying for any events they organise.

You really do need to get on that ASAP.