Aunt has planned and billed us for a wake we did not want/ask for

[achromaticdudgeon]

Background

My father's elderly brothers and sisters are hard work, and I avoid them as much as I can - there are loads of them, and they love a good moan. Everything always could have been better, done better or handled better if you had only just done as they wanted or as they said.

My Dad died at the beginning of the year in an unexpected and fraught way. While I was abroad trying to get it sorted, my siblings ended up having to run a campaign of interference because they were hounding me so much that I was not able to actually get stuff done and sort out the issues at hand. They made a horrible situation so much worse with the constant drama. (They were being regularly updated) One Aunt, to give you a flavour of the issues, kept ringing and ringing because she wanted me to take time away from sorting the cremation/repatriation, and take a two-day trip during my 'holiday' to his house in a different city to find a particular photo.

To my issue

This afternoon, I have come home to being CC'd into an email to the photo Aunt from a relative in Canada who is checking in about some aspects of catering and accommodation for the service/wake.

We have not planned a service/wake.

1. He had been very clear that he didn't want one
2. His partner doesn't want to have one
3. His wife (our mother - they remained on very good terms - but split for many years) doesn't want to have one
4. My siblings agree with his, his partner and our Mums wishes
5. Our plan was a small remembrance event next year, which would have been a significant birthday of his and more in his style/wants
6. He cost us all a fortune because of the poor choices he made at the time, so there is no money for an event right now, regardless

It appears my Aunt has taken it upon herself to plan something without asking us, which would be fine, she can plan an event for his side of the family - they can grieve in the way they choose to.....

However, she has now sent an email to the attention of the executor of the estate attaching invoices for catering/bar costs, printed sundries, flowers and venue fees for an eye-watering sum of money.

The email I wrote in reply was blistering.....in no way tactful, insensitive to the fact they are grieving too and not in the slightest bit polite, and I was banned by my siblings from sending it lest I start a whole new world war.

I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO tempted to just send it anyway, and be damned with them all that I need to be talked down.

The audacity! Sorry you're going through this additional stress.

I think the end result of all this is that eventually you'll never have to have any contact with this drama-ridden, obligation-ridden, entirely overblown and arrogant side of the family ever again.

Result!

Who are the invoices addressed to? If they are addressed to your Aunt then just send them back to her explaining politely that these items weren't approved by the Executors, there is no money to pay for them in the estate and that only the Executors have the right to incur invoices on behalf of the estate. If they are addressed to the "Executors of" then I'd also contact whoever has sent the invoices and explain to them that your aunt has no authority to incur costs relating to the estate, that she is not an executor and they will have to look to her for payment. It's like my neighbour ordering goods for themself and using me as their billing address without my permission! Keep everything polite and factual just in case it ends up in court.

There is no money. That needs to be made clear.

If they really "wanted to honour his memory and help with their grief", nothing is stopping them doing a wake. It just has to come out of their pocket but they sound too tight to pay for it themselves. They sound awful 😔 I'm sorry you're having to deal with all this 😡

I dunno, I think making clear that you won't be paying is just as good. It doesn't matter why.
I mean, if they continue to push then maybe the OP could say that, but I don't really think it's the aunt's business.

True, and they probably are in Photo Aunt's name, but it's still an important consideration given Photo Aunt is talking about their moral obligation to pay.

OP in your response to aunt you could say something like "could you confirm you will be covering these bills please? If I don't hear back from you I will reach out to the contractors to confirm individually with them that the contract is with you, and neither the estate nor the next of kin."

It's a bit inflammatory but less so than going straight over her head to the contractors, might help her save a bit of face, and might help limit the liability all round. All of this gets harder as the contractors spend more time and money on the services and goods.

Ugh, they clearly want a party so they can turn up in mourning costume, guzzle booze, stuff their faces and compete over who knew the deceased best of all, then have something to bitch about for the next 10 years. All at the expense of the one person who wouldn’t have wanted any of it. Disgusting behaviour.

This

This is perfect! I would go with you are welcome to remember his life in any way you choose. We will be remembering him in line with his specific expressed wishes. Which was for no gathering like the one you have all organised. In light of this, asking for his money to be spent to fund such a gathering is completely unacceptable, which is what asking for the money from his estate would be.

It will blow up but sounds like the following estrangement wouldn't be a bad thing!

Yep-lots of oops for drama at a funeral.

Just say we are organising ourselves in line with his wishes. There is no money available for alternative wakes

Juat saw the update. Unbelievable. I am sorry you're having to put up with all of this ans I cant believe the pile on from cousins etc. I mean it's just batshit

Very important advice here

This.

If the invoices are not addressed to the 'Executors' but to Batshit or one of her flying monkeys the service providers will have no idea what the OP is on about and may not even comment on the arrangement someone else has made for a party. Why should they?

If they are, or she has claimed to be an executor, then that's obviously another story. You do of course have to contact them.

But they won't be addressed to "the Executors", because a firm is going to want a name of an individual and very, very likely a deposit or a credit card on file as part of the booking.

The fecking cheek!
I’d put it in ChatGPT and ask it to tone it down a little.

Whilst I agree that the contract is between Photo Aunt and the suppliers, it wouldn't do any harm to get in touch with the suppliers, just to be on the safe side?

I am not sure a restaurant would want to get involved in a family dispute.

I mean if the OP has time on her hands, I guess there is no harm trying but they may not give her many details since she didn't book the event....

They are now mad because the OP won't pay and they can't make her pay.

Good lord! The entitlement of these people. You're not saying they can't celebrate your DF's life or grieve for it in their own way - you're just saying that you won't PAY for them to do that. Well done for keeping your calm and largely ignoring them all. What a nightmare your DF's siblings/wider family are!

How awful.

Clearly you just need to stick to the brief facts.

You will not be attending, involved of paying for anything.
Anything they organise is completely up to them.
On a loop.

Clearly they want a gathering paid for by your late father, irrespective of his wishes.

All very crass.

"It's best we cease contact with you all. Any further attempts will be regarded as harassment. Best wishes"

What a fucking liberty.

I wouldn't even bother getting involved unless the bill has come directly to OP from the contractors.

If they want to plan and pay for something, then have at it, but OP and the estate are under absolutely no obligation to pay for any of it.

Sounds like my extended family. Crazy-makers, boundary invaders, and entitled guiltmongers.

I sense your birthday card list declining. Sounds like they are best out of your life. What a bunch of crazies. Stay firm OP.