Dh says I'm responsible for his depression

[threeblowdries]

I had been a sahm to 3 boys for almost for 15 years.
Now that they are older I have got a pt job, joined a gym and started looking after myself.
I have lost a stone, started prioritising sleep for myself and making more of an effort with my appearance.
Dh has taken all this personally.
Instead of seeing it as me prioritising myself he says I'm not there for him.
He has now been prescribed antidepressants and says it's solely because of me.
He works full time but outside of this does not do a lot for himself, because he couldn't be bothered.
Everything he wants to do he wants to do with me, but that isn't always feasible with young children.
I am very happy in my own company so happy to head off for a walk by myself or with a friend but he won't do this.

Can I be responsible for his depression?

oh please. When DH was a SAHD, everony in my office knew that on Tuesdays I left promptly because I had to be home by a certain time. That was becuase on Tuesdays, DH had his sports group.

As the kids got older, I've supported and encouraged him as he retrained and got a new job. I love that he's now into a bunch of activities he wasn't before - he joined a gym, watches different sports etc. He is back into music and goes to gigs occassionally, something he didn't do much of when the DC were small due to time and money and something I'm still not particularly interested in doing.

Becuase I'm not a dick.

She hasn’t been “relying” on him for anything. If anything it was the other way round and OP did absolutely everything for him as she was the SAHP.

They both jointly decided to have children and someone had to raise them. The OP not returning to paid work enabled her husband to not have to limit his career to help raise the children.

What a load of shite.

Wow, what a jealous unsupportive arsehole

Shite.

He can’t cope with you being an actual person in your own right instead of a service human for him and his children.

Whilst I don’t doubt that the OP has done a lot being a SAHM I just want to point out that many many working parents, mums and dads are quite capable of working full time and also running a household/raising children.
it would be interesting to hear his perception of how things are now.

I was a SAHM for over a decade too. Now the kids are older I got a part time job, am training for a better job, have lost a stone so far and spend some of my pay on theatre tickets! Sometimes I take DH to the theatre with me, sometimes a friend.
He’s happy that I’m happy, grateful for all I do for the children and proud of me for getting fitter! I think your DH needs a hobby of his own. My DH cycles, he’s going on a short cycling holiday soon. I’m all for it.

They'd still need to get a 3rd party to look after the children while they're working though, children don't look after themselves. She's no doubt saved him having to pitch in much with the household chores after a day at work as well. If they were both working full time, they'd either both have to do lots of house work on their days off/evenings or pay another person to do some cleaning/cooking

Yes, lots of us work our arses off combining a career and children.

But what’s that got to do with it? Why on earth would the OP stopping being a SAHM cause her H depression? What are you insinuating?

You know it’s not true. Just say it back to him in a way that makes it seem ridiculous.

‘My haircut gave you depression?’
’In the hour I went to the gym you sank into despair?’
’My pay check struck you into a malaise?’

What a dick.

What an interesting time for him to fall into depression. Just in tume to get you back into the home, giving to everyone but yourself.
If anything I'd say he's been the one relying on you- to raise the children, run the home and be his crutch.

Yes, but being a SAHP is not a gift from her husband, it came with disadvantages and sacrifices to her as well. She isn't in his debt for a choice they made for their family together.

She's now working again, so you'd think he be happy about that if being the breadwinner was an issue for him .

Omg that is not in question here, at all, please focus on the issues that he op has raised not your own insecurities that you are seeking validation for.

His perception is surely that he hasn't had to compromise his career to have three kids?

They must have agreed to this and he has been ok with it until op has started to do things for her own wellbeing.

All the posters on here who are saying that the op has relied on her 'poor overworked dh' for all these years need to face up to the fact they just don't like SAHM's , they don't value a caring role, they are insecure about their choices and rather than making peace with that they like to try and devalue real, hard, consistent physical and emotional labour because its so controversial to want to care for your own children. Its only work when you pay someone else to do it right?

Good luck op, you sound like you are in a good place, all the best.