Dh says I'm responsible for his depression

[threeblowdries]

I had been a sahm to 3 boys for almost for 15 years.
Now that they are older I have got a pt job, joined a gym and started looking after myself.
I have lost a stone, started prioritising sleep for myself and making more of an effort with my appearance.
Dh has taken all this personally.
Instead of seeing it as me prioritising myself he says I'm not there for him.
He has now been prescribed antidepressants and says it's solely because of me.
He works full time but outside of this does not do a lot for himself, because he couldn't be bothered.
Everything he wants to do he wants to do with me, but that isn't always feasible with young children.
I am very happy in my own company so happy to head off for a walk by myself or with a friend but he won't do this.

Can I be responsible for his depression?

This is a manipulation tactic, you are responsible for my mental health because you wont do as i say and prioritise me over your own health and wellbeing ....in the bin with him.

Why would you be depressed that your partner worked to cared for your 3 children and saved you having to pay for childcare and housekeepers,cooks and cleaners from your hard earned income?(as you presumably both decided was the best option for your family) Your partner forgo their career and hobbies to do that job for your family.
If you love your partner wouldn't you want then be happy, healthy and well by going to the gym and getting adequate sleep after yrs of broken poor sleep from caring for children?

If you being happier, having less stress and taking better care of yourself makes him feel sad then that is a him problem!!

But he’s still working. What do you want her to do? Sit at home all day twiddling her thumbs instead of earning an income and looking after her health?

OP, have you asked him why he thinks his depression is your fault? I suspect it’s because he’s losing his control over you and you won’t do what he wants anymore. How does he want you to ‘be there for him’? Sit with him and watch repeats of One Foot in the Grave every night?

Oh what a man child.
Ick.

DH suggested something about him working hard so I could be a stay at home mum, I reminded him I was working hard to enable him to go to work full time!!

FFS now you’ve a bit of time to yourself you’ve to use it to amuse him and prop him up! Like fuck. What a man child!

You'd be equally depressed if your partner went back to work so that you didn't have to be stressed about being the single wage earner and then complained that you still didn't pull your weight.

Just playing Devil's Advocate....

Oh behave. I’m fairly certain with 3 boys she worked just as hard. And yes sleep is more important than staying up all night to appease a man.

It's an interesting twist on an old tale.

Lots of these men are controlling and manipulative but long marriages happen because frankly, the woman doesn't notice. Why? Because what he wants is for her to be home, to proioritise him, to do what he wants etc. And while the kids are small, especially if she's a SAHM, she may be more than willing to do this so she doesn't actually notice or have the energy to care that her life is so constricted.

Then the kids get older and suddenly she's got a bit more time and energy. She wants a job or to get fitter, or to care about her appearance. she reconnects with old friends. And WHAM, his life genuinely is less good becuase what he liked all those years was her being there for HIM, and just him.

But that's on him, not you. If the only way for him to be less depressed is for you you to have a smaller life, he's not managing his dperession correctly. Are byou really sure he has been to doctor and IS taking meds?

I have anxiety and depression and take medication. I am sorry to say this but I don't think he has depression, he just wants his own way.
He is trying to guilt trip you. I personally believe it is because he knows he is punching above his weight.
He needs to get over himself. He is deflecting this on you. I would lose respect for him.

Hell no this is not your fault. This man has been used to your world being small, your life revolving around him and your kids and you probably doing alot or everything for him.

Now he’s seeing you with a new lease of life and putting yourself first and he’s sulking like a toddler.

The obvious answer to this is to ask him who would have looked after his children if OP hadn’t given everything up to do so for him? They’re his children, after all, that he chose to make. Would he have had to get second job to afford childcare for them?

This isn’t playing devils advocate. It’s being deliberately myopic about basic life.

Now that they are older I have got a pt job, joined a gym and started looking after myself.
I have lost a stone, started prioritising sleep for myself and making more of an effort with my appearance. Dh has taken all this personally.
Instead of seeing it as me prioritising myself he says I'm not there for him. He has now been prescribed antidepressants and says it's solely because of me.

What. A. Wanker.
No, it has nothing to do with you. If he’s depressed because of any of that, well, that’s bullshit. He may well be depressed, but not due to this, and if he’s us, then what a truly terrible person.

Agreed.

It's easier for him to simply tell @threeblowdries she is the problem rather than deal with his own mental discomfort.

@threeblowdries You are not the problem, regardless of what your DH tells you.
How convenient for him that he gets to blame someone else 🙄 You deserve better from him.

Thanks for all the replies.
Most of you have hit the nail on the head.
Sulking man child sums it up.

We don't have common interests at the moment.
I'd love if he had his own interests, I think it would really help him.

The sulking is putting me off spending time with him so it's a vicious circle.

On the one hand it’s not on to blame his depression on you. On the other, you sound disengaged from him and he sounds lonely in his marriage. Do you see yourselves together in the future or apart once the kids are older?

You have had 15 years being supported by this man and not working. And you think he’s being unfair!

"not working" she was raising his 3 children and looking after the house. If she wasn't doing that they would be both working to pay someone else to do those things

I assume they both decided to produce three children together and both decided that she would not work and raise them rather than work and have someone else raise them.

she hasn’t been sitting around sipping cocktails for 15 years.

Oh give over , how dumb do you have to be to believe this crap anymore

You’ve spent years at home, probably relying on him for most things. . Of course he’ll find it different when you change. 🤷‍♀️

Her being a SAHP enabled him to have 3 boys and the family life he wanted.

Presumably they agreed together that for the benefit of their children and household, she would sacrifice her own income and career opportunities, and he would provide financially.

He gained from the arrangement as much as she did.

He doesn't like the fact you're finally having a life and is trying to make you feel guilty/put his issues in you. He's trying to keep you down . Please reconsider this whole relationship with him as it will only get worse. Speaking from experience

Now that my DC are older, I’ve stopped being a SAHM, got a part time job, go out with my friends, have lost 2 stone and am fitter than I’ve ever been.

My DH thinks it’s brilliant and is happy he has a wife who looks after herself, and has good mental health as a result. He sometimes comes down the gym with me.

I think your DH is controlling and insecure. He liked you being tied to the kitchen and home and doesn’t like your newfound independence. Mine isn’t that insecure.

No. The opposite. You’d be annoyed once the kids were older if your partner didn’t pull their weight by getting a job.