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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Pinkpoet support thread (TW for SA)

559 replies

PinkPoetAgain1 · 08/06/2026 12:05

Just starting a new thread for those who are following/supporting

I’m all over the place mentally at the moment as I said in my last thread but I’m still listening xx

OP posts:
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6
HyggeTygge · 30/06/2026 19:10

is he that much of a standout dickhead

Yes

is it that bad

Yes

arnt all men a bit like this

No! Hes getting angry at you because he knows that you've realised he hurts you and the kids. It's like a milder version of risking a car crash by deliberately driving to show you how pissed off he is.

WallaceinAnderland · 30/06/2026 23:08

The bottom line is that he hurts you.

He physically, mentally, emotionally and sexually hurts you. The full group of abusive behaviours. That's about as bad as it gets.

Many rapists film their attacks, I wonder if it's worth looking on his phone?

LizzieW1969 · 30/06/2026 23:15

ThisIsPinkPoet · 30/06/2026 09:54

I want to say that I don’t think of this as a great love story. I understand why it comes across like that as I know I’ve talked about how I love him and there are definitely some toxic elements to our relationship.
however I know he’s being a dickhead and I’m under no elusion that he’s some sort of prince.
i guess in the back of my head im just wondering is he that much of a standout dickhead , is it that bad, arnt all men a bit like this. I know I’ve met a few and certainly a few of my friends have partners who are angry/rude on occasion

The self doubt effects me a lot , which is why I’m always asking for advice here I guess

Honestly, Poet, I really want to reiterate that it really isn’t the case that all men are like this, not at all. Yes there are men like this obviously but the point is that they’re abusive.

I think deep down you know that’s true, as it sounds like you have a loving father who would do anything for you.

DropOfffArtiste · 01/07/2026 06:38

Even if all men were like this (abusive rapists), you still don't have to live with it.

throwawayimplantchat · 01/07/2026 09:40

DropOfffArtiste · 01/07/2026 06:38

Even if all men were like this (abusive rapists), you still don't have to live with it.

This is really important Poet.

Because you’ve never been single as an adult, you’re forgetting about an option open to you.

Your choices aren’t just this abusive man or another man.

Your choice could be to be single and heal, rather than getting together with someone else.

You may love being single and not even want another relationship. Or you may do after some time healing and focusing on you and your kids.

But remember that you don’t need a man. You’re an adult perfectly capable of running your own life.

NettleTea · 01/07/2026 09:44

I think your belief that all men are like this comes from 2 sources - obviously what happened when you were at uni, and you say you had a couple of dickish boyfriends before that.

Id say alot of us are dickish in the early days, fumbling our way around how relationships work - balancing real life and big new emotions against what society and our friends claim is 'how things should be'

but mainly because your husband, who was much older than you, targeted a vulnerable young woman, BARELY a woman, and manipulated her for years and years into believing that their relationship was normal, and what being married was all about. He isolated her from her peer group friends - so that her new friends were all his friends, and their wives (and as others say, birds of a feather....) and he created trauma bonding which deep down you knew was wrong, but set a powerful dynamic which made you distance yourself emotiuonally and truthfully from your parents, by creating secrets of behaviour which had to be kept secret. That is an insiduous way to isolate you - because it has set a 'us vs them' scenario, where he has stacked the odds so that he 'wins'. The ultimate examples of that are when he made you have sex when you went to collect your stuff and ultimately stayed, and when he raped you in their house when pregnant. His domination over your father's propery makes him feel the bigger and better man.

He is absolutely, 100% not a good man. Not a normal man. Not a normal husband.

Your children are internalising the dynamic in your house.It wont be obvious that its affecting them because like you, they are adapting themselves to fit around him, because boy do they know it if they let loose like normal kids. But worse than that, these patterns are what they are internalising as normal.

Just that small example of you having to go to find him when he shouts from far off in the house, to find out what he wants? what does that say?

It shows that women are the servants of men. That what a man wants, whenever he wants it, its a womans role to come scurrying and respond.

what does that say to your sons? Are you happy for them to think this is how they should be positioned in society and in relationships? Do you think - with a growing push back against, and teaching about sex equality, that this will serve them well. Will they fight equality because its goes against their belief? Will they go along with equality and have to hide themselves from their father? Will it enable them to have a girlfriend, or will they end up angry and resentful that the world isnt providing them with a trad wife.

And what does this silent teaching say to your daughters? That whatever they do in life, ultimately if a man says jump, they jump? Will they be frightened of men. Will they seek out dominant men? will their bodies suffer from autoimmune and stress related illnesses, will they develop anorexia (as my friends child did) to gain any kind of control over their own bodies.

So you may not see that the kids are affected, but by god, just take a look at where this is heading for your precious ones.

And as an aside, just to know how it COULD go - if your child says 'daddy threw an apple AT ME today and it hurt' - that would be enough to trigger a report. And if you tried to flim flam excuses, you would be held as accountable as he is. To you, him being stressed is an excuse. To social services there is no excuse to angrily throw something at someone. If you want someone to catch something, you throw it UP, not AT

None of this is normal. None of this is What Men Do.

fuchsteufelswild · 01/07/2026 09:58

Why does your blood run cold when he's shouting somewhere in the house? There isn't ever a good reason to be shouting, especially not at kids even if you're stressed by work.

Where does that fear come from? Why is it so strong that you have to run find him? What do you worry will happen if you don't?

You wouldn't magically stop existing and functioning with separation. You're not a toy that gets his batteries taken out. You're defending him as if he's a life raft you're clinging to when he's the reason you're drowning.

Your nervous system is so attuned to reacting to him all the time and be his human buffer that you forgot you have the ability to act in your own interest. That ability has always been there. Only a lot of women tend to forget they are entitled to finding out how they want to live. It's okay not to know what that is yet even as you realize that ahatever it is, you don't want to live in fear of getting raped anymore.

ThisIsPinkPoet · 01/07/2026 12:29

fuchsteufelswild · 01/07/2026 09:58

Why does your blood run cold when he's shouting somewhere in the house? There isn't ever a good reason to be shouting, especially not at kids even if you're stressed by work.

Where does that fear come from? Why is it so strong that you have to run find him? What do you worry will happen if you don't?

You wouldn't magically stop existing and functioning with separation. You're not a toy that gets his batteries taken out. You're defending him as if he's a life raft you're clinging to when he's the reason you're drowning.

Your nervous system is so attuned to reacting to him all the time and be his human buffer that you forgot you have the ability to act in your own interest. That ability has always been there. Only a lot of women tend to forget they are entitled to finding out how they want to live. It's okay not to know what that is yet even as you realize that ahatever it is, you don't want to live in fear of getting raped anymore.

Because I think, and I am coming to accept this more, that I am just managing his mood constantly and if I hear him yell I think I better sort it out quick before he starts slamming doors or throwing things. And yes , in the early days (someone asked) he used to shout and call me a c**t , usually when drunk, and sometimes he would shout over me or back me into a corner. It’s extremely hard to write all this down because it brings it all back. I wasn’t innocent though , our early relationship was toxic and I used to argue back and once I even slapped him (in the chest as he’s a fair bit taller than me) and begged him to forgive me.

I seem to remember the one issue my mum ever voiced about our relationship was when she found some diazepam in my bag and found out I’d been prescribed it for anxiety and this was after living together for about 3 months . Having been dating for about 6! This was 14ish years ago and the doctor gave it to me for panic attacks etc . She was worried about that. He invited her round for a coffee when I wasn’t there and I didn’t know, and convinced her of how much he loved me and was trying to take care of me. I remember her saying to me when I asked her what they talked about that he clearly adored me.

ThisIsPinkPoet · 01/07/2026 12:31

@NettleTea I do understand your point about DC mentioning the Apple at nursery but the way he had them in fits of giggles the next minute I doubt they would and even if they did say something I’m convinced he could explain it away with the staff .

It was just a bit jarring at the time but then afterwards I’m thinking I’m being silly

ThisIsPinkPoet · 01/07/2026 12:36

I called WA again yesterday and I decided to accept having a chat with an advocate. Someone will call me back in the next few days to talk

I’ve also been listening to podcasts about this type of behaviour and a lot of it does ring true. Particularly one expert in DA talks about how in the early days he will ‘test’ compliance and push boundaries to see how you take it. I literally took anything and everything. The only thing he didn’t do really was hit me or cheat on me (to my knowledge)

it’s so hard to remember
and in a way it’s not helpful because my head goes to ‘well he’s not like that anymore so he’s changed for me ‘
but I know a lot of it has just adjusted now we are older, not gone away

category12 · 01/07/2026 12:39

" our early relationship was toxic "

Still is toxic.

"It’s extremely hard to write all this down because it brings it all back"

Remembering is important while painful. The past is the route you got here, to where you run to pre-empt his anger, to where you minimise and dismiss yourself as "silly" or oversensitive to the unacceptable things he does.

murasaki · 01/07/2026 12:43

ThisIsPinkPoet · 01/07/2026 12:36

I called WA again yesterday and I decided to accept having a chat with an advocate. Someone will call me back in the next few days to talk

I’ve also been listening to podcasts about this type of behaviour and a lot of it does ring true. Particularly one expert in DA talks about how in the early days he will ‘test’ compliance and push boundaries to see how you take it. I literally took anything and everything. The only thing he didn’t do really was hit me or cheat on me (to my knowledge)

it’s so hard to remember
and in a way it’s not helpful because my head goes to ‘well he’s not like that anymore so he’s changed for me ‘
but I know a lot of it has just adjusted now we are older, not gone away

I wonder if him assaulting you when you are asleep, so 'not you' gives him the excitement of cheating while maintaining plausible deniability, as he knows somewhere that this is a boundary you might actually stick to.

Which is frankly sick.

throwawayimplantchat · 01/07/2026 12:44

ThisIsPinkPoet · 01/07/2026 12:36

I called WA again yesterday and I decided to accept having a chat with an advocate. Someone will call me back in the next few days to talk

I’ve also been listening to podcasts about this type of behaviour and a lot of it does ring true. Particularly one expert in DA talks about how in the early days he will ‘test’ compliance and push boundaries to see how you take it. I literally took anything and everything. The only thing he didn’t do really was hit me or cheat on me (to my knowledge)

it’s so hard to remember
and in a way it’s not helpful because my head goes to ‘well he’s not like that anymore so he’s changed for me ‘
but I know a lot of it has just adjusted now we are older, not gone away

He hasn’t gotten better though. He stopped calling you a cunt and towering over you, but he started sexually assaulting you in your sleep and raping you, including at your parents house when you were heavily pregnant with your innocent, precious child in your belly.

You need to stop thinking of hitting as the only inexcusable form of violence. I would rather my husband punched me square in the face than raped me.

murasaki · 01/07/2026 12:44

Amd he charmed your mother just as he is nice to you, to keep her on side and allow him to continue. He's incredibly manipulative and dangerous, Poet. You need to be open with WA.

grapefruit100 · 01/07/2026 12:45

Well done calling WA and chatting with an advocate. Such great progress.
Is there anyone in your life you have thought may be helpful in future.. a coworker, mum or dad, sibling, friend, acquaintance with experience.. anyone you’ve started thinking might be a good resource?

throwawayimplantchat · 01/07/2026 12:46

I’m really pleased you’re open to chatting with a WA advocate that’s great news.

murasaki · 01/07/2026 12:50

throwawayimplantchat · 01/07/2026 12:46

I’m really pleased you’re open to chatting with a WA advocate that’s great news.

It is, well done. Do you have a safe space and time to take the call?

ThisIsPinkPoet · 01/07/2026 13:04

murasaki · 01/07/2026 12:50

It is, well done. Do you have a safe space and time to take the call?

They will message beforehand so I can make sure I’m on my own
should be ok

murasaki · 01/07/2026 13:09

ThisIsPinkPoet · 01/07/2026 13:04

They will message beforehand so I can make sure I’m on my own
should be ok

That sounds good. And again, well done for arranging this.

WallaceinAnderland · 01/07/2026 13:11

It’s extremely hard to write all this down because it brings it all back

You can't hide from yourself.

You might not realise it but your primary relationship is with yourself. You are trying to treat yourself the way you treat him but that doesn't work. You can't placate yourself, you can't pretend to yourself, you can't tiptoe around yourself.

You are in a toxic relationship with yourself first and foremost

By trying to justify and excuse his physical, mental, emotional and sexual assaults on you, you are gaslighting yourself. That's toxic thinking on your part and this is why your mind is rebelling.

It's like you're him and your mind is you. There's a clash and every now and then your mind breaks down because it can't cope. And then you are 'nice' to yourself for a bit until it goes back to the 'suck it up' behaviour. You are doing the nasty/nice cycle on yourself.

This is why you need therapy. That's the bit you need to fix - you.

murasaki · 01/07/2026 13:13

Sorry, Poet, I can't recall if this was mentioned before, it probably was, but did you ever engage with the Freedom Programme? It also looks at effects on children.

ThisIsPinkPoet · 01/07/2026 13:16

grapefruit100 · 01/07/2026 12:45

Well done calling WA and chatting with an advocate. Such great progress.
Is there anyone in your life you have thought may be helpful in future.. a coworker, mum or dad, sibling, friend, acquaintance with experience.. anyone you’ve started thinking might be a good resource?

I don’t know . I’ve got my friend overseas who wants to help. Everyone else it just seems like a really hard step. A few people at work I’ve said vague things about him but they don’t know the full picture

murasaki · 01/07/2026 13:19

ThisIsPinkPoet · 01/07/2026 13:16

I don’t know . I’ve got my friend overseas who wants to help. Everyone else it just seems like a really hard step. A few people at work I’ve said vague things about him but they don’t know the full picture

Your friend overseas sounds a good person to open up to, partly because she doesn't see him regularly. So he can't charm her. She wants to help, please do let her.

OtterlyAstounding · 01/07/2026 13:32

ThisIsPinkPoet · 01/07/2026 12:29

Because I think, and I am coming to accept this more, that I am just managing his mood constantly and if I hear him yell I think I better sort it out quick before he starts slamming doors or throwing things. And yes , in the early days (someone asked) he used to shout and call me a c**t , usually when drunk, and sometimes he would shout over me or back me into a corner. It’s extremely hard to write all this down because it brings it all back. I wasn’t innocent though , our early relationship was toxic and I used to argue back and once I even slapped him (in the chest as he’s a fair bit taller than me) and begged him to forgive me.

I seem to remember the one issue my mum ever voiced about our relationship was when she found some diazepam in my bag and found out I’d been prescribed it for anxiety and this was after living together for about 3 months . Having been dating for about 6! This was 14ish years ago and the doctor gave it to me for panic attacks etc . She was worried about that. He invited her round for a coffee when I wasn’t there and I didn’t know, and convinced her of how much he loved me and was trying to take care of me. I remember her saying to me when I asked her what they talked about that he clearly adored me.

Arguing back – reacting to his abuse – and hitting him isn't great, but it's nothing like what he was doing. Verbally abusing and intimidating a much smaller, MUCH younger female and working her up into a state, to try to provoke her to lash out. It's classic abusive male behaviour. Then they try to play the victim and make you think you're just as bad as them, despite the fact that they deliberately created the situation, and were in no danger from you.

Toxic, yes, but it's just another facet of abuse.

Additionally, him calling your mum up, inviting her around, and discussing your mental health and relationship behind your back is so creepy, controlling, and beyond the pale. He essentially – again – cast himself in the role of your father figure/authority figure, behaving in that way. The two grown-ups, having a chat about what's best for silly little Poet, and him assuring her he's 'taking care' of you as though you're a child who needed looking after.

Probably because you practically were a child when you got together, and that's how he wants to keep you; ignorant of healthy relationship dynamics, helpless, insecure, afraid of his authority, and fawning.

Abuse and rape aside, it's just such gross old pervert behaviour on his part.

NettleTea · 01/07/2026 13:34

ThisIsPinkPoet · 01/07/2026 12:31

@NettleTea I do understand your point about DC mentioning the Apple at nursery but the way he had them in fits of giggles the next minute I doubt they would and even if they did say something I’m convinced he could explain it away with the staff .

It was just a bit jarring at the time but then afterwards I’m thinking I’m being silly

do you see that he is manipulating them, as he has manipulated you.

People have a right to be upset if someone has made a deliberate choice to do something that has hurt them, even if it wasnt them they were trying to hurt.

People have a right to be upset or angry if someone throws something at them.

The person to blame should apologise, not try to jolly them and gaslight them out of a reasonable reaction to their behaviour

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