I think your belief that all men are like this comes from 2 sources - obviously what happened when you were at uni, and you say you had a couple of dickish boyfriends before that.
Id say alot of us are dickish in the early days, fumbling our way around how relationships work - balancing real life and big new emotions against what society and our friends claim is 'how things should be'
but mainly because your husband, who was much older than you, targeted a vulnerable young woman, BARELY a woman, and manipulated her for years and years into believing that their relationship was normal, and what being married was all about. He isolated her from her peer group friends - so that her new friends were all his friends, and their wives (and as others say, birds of a feather....) and he created trauma bonding which deep down you knew was wrong, but set a powerful dynamic which made you distance yourself emotiuonally and truthfully from your parents, by creating secrets of behaviour which had to be kept secret. That is an insiduous way to isolate you - because it has set a 'us vs them' scenario, where he has stacked the odds so that he 'wins'. The ultimate examples of that are when he made you have sex when you went to collect your stuff and ultimately stayed, and when he raped you in their house when pregnant. His domination over your father's propery makes him feel the bigger and better man.
He is absolutely, 100% not a good man. Not a normal man. Not a normal husband.
Your children are internalising the dynamic in your house.It wont be obvious that its affecting them because like you, they are adapting themselves to fit around him, because boy do they know it if they let loose like normal kids. But worse than that, these patterns are what they are internalising as normal.
Just that small example of you having to go to find him when he shouts from far off in the house, to find out what he wants? what does that say?
It shows that women are the servants of men. That what a man wants, whenever he wants it, its a womans role to come scurrying and respond.
what does that say to your sons? Are you happy for them to think this is how they should be positioned in society and in relationships? Do you think - with a growing push back against, and teaching about sex equality, that this will serve them well. Will they fight equality because its goes against their belief? Will they go along with equality and have to hide themselves from their father? Will it enable them to have a girlfriend, or will they end up angry and resentful that the world isnt providing them with a trad wife.
And what does this silent teaching say to your daughters? That whatever they do in life, ultimately if a man says jump, they jump? Will they be frightened of men. Will they seek out dominant men? will their bodies suffer from autoimmune and stress related illnesses, will they develop anorexia (as my friends child did) to gain any kind of control over their own bodies.
So you may not see that the kids are affected, but by god, just take a look at where this is heading for your precious ones.
And as an aside, just to know how it COULD go - if your child says 'daddy threw an apple AT ME today and it hurt' - that would be enough to trigger a report. And if you tried to flim flam excuses, you would be held as accountable as he is. To you, him being stressed is an excuse. To social services there is no excuse to angrily throw something at someone. If you want someone to catch something, you throw it UP, not AT
None of this is normal. None of this is What Men Do.