Pinkpoet support thread (TW for SA)

[PinkPoetAgain1]

Just starting a new thread for those who are following/supporting

I’m all over the place mentally at the moment as I said in my last thread but I’m still listening xx

Probably not no. We can afford it but we do have ALOT of outgoings so there’s not like unlimited spending money .
but no if therapy was high in the priority list as it should be then we can afford it.

The turning the apple thing into a joke is not okay. The normal way to respond to hitting your child in the head whilst you were aiming at your injured wife (again, this isn't normal Poet) is to immediately apologise to everyone in the room, especially the child you hit, to say in front of the children that it is NEVER okay for you to throw thing because you are feeling stressed or angry. That you are never going to do that again. You would then go to your child and give them a cuddle. Then away from the children you would tell your wife that you acknowledge that your anger is unacceptable and that you will be thinking of what steps you will take to avoid this ever happening again.

Making a joke about it is just normalising this awful behaviour.

Thing is, it's not "accidents" or badly behaved sentient apples.

Note that his "accidents" don't hurt him.

They shock/hurt you & the kids, not him. He's letting out his frustration against his family, not internally.

There's a reason you're afraid of him. I'm sure in prior threads you said he was worse, was violent in the early days? Correct me if I'm wrong.

He doesn't have to escalate as far these days because you've been trained to tiptoe around him and pre-empt his outbursts. His raised voice or his palpable bad mood is enough to send you scurrying.

Did he actually apologise to your child and take accountability for what he did, or just make them laugh about it?

I’d just like to comment that it IS ok to decide to leave a man just because you’re not completely happy anymore.
It doesn’t need to meet any threshold.
You can just do it for peace and quiet and rest.

Clearly in this situation it needs to be planned very carefully with women’s aid because of the high risk.
But it’s ok to just decide you want a better life for your kids. Even just low level bitterness from him, and walking on eggshells, can impact how a child grows up. Even without the horrific reality they may not be aware of yet.
Can you see that?

And you still don't think your poor kids are being affected by this?

The only reason he hasn't hit you is because you (completely understandably) comply with what he wants before he does so.

You know this is true because on the occasions you have attempted to tell him no more firmly or to physically resist him he has forced himself on you anyway by physically holding you down. You know that if you fought back he would hurt you very, very badly. That's why you don't do it.

He is able to control you without hitting. That is not better than not hitting. (If anything, it's worse - it's absolutely terrifying.)

Yes you’re right he used to shout at her and tower over her so she felt trapped in a room, in the early days.

This is a seriously angry man and while OP thinks his temper has improved, what has actually happened is she has shrunk herself down and changed her behaviour so that she does less to set him off.

' I think because I’m so used to his ‘laddish’ ‘try his luck’ behaviour when it comes to sex and the amount of times he’s ‘just’ crossed boundaries I’m so used to it and it doesn’t even register. '

It's rape and sexual abuse and sexual assault

NOT ‘laddish’

NOT ‘try his luck’ behaviour

NOT ' he’s ‘just’ crossed boundaries '

It's rape and sexual abuse and sexual assault

OP, also remember that he went out of his aay to learn his manipulation and boundary-crossing techniques from 'the game' book. It is not just the way he is, it's a deliberate choice.

This stuff can get a man arrested. Your son(s) are being taught his attitude to women & girls and sex. It might seem a long way off, but when dc are teens and adults, this may get them into serious trouble.

And you're probably going to say he talks a good game about equality to your dc - but that's not what they're seeing or having modelled to them - they're growing up with daddy's wants and daddy's moods dominating the household.

Agree with all of this, especially the last paragraph.

Hi Poet

I grew up with an abusive mum. She would bang doors, rage at us, physically assault us. The way your children reminded me somewhat of mine and my sisters response to her anger. We both developed the fawn response. We sensed when she was about to go off and did what we could to appease her. Growing up we have turned into people pleasers, having no boundaries and attracting incredibly toxic people into our lives.

I know it is scary but please consider contacting the police to be free of this evil abuser and limit the effect this man has on your lives so they have a chance of being a happy, secure people where it is safe for them to be themselves.

hugs

I get it. And you’re entitled to say that
This Is why I stepped away for a while because I know it is repetitive and people will get fed up

But people replying on here has been some of the most lovely support when I’ve needed it the most. I am struggling , but I’m trying. I know things are not healthy . I’m in contact with services. I’m writing things down. I’m not accepting as much and speaking up for myself more. And for the children

I no longer blindly defend him.

If you feel like there is no more point in replying to me then that is ok. Thanks for your support over the threads

As tough as it is Poet please keep coming back as your posts are also a safe way for you to diary what is happening to you.

Can I ask Poet, what is your red line now?

Is it only a non sexual physical assault of you or the children that would make you leave?

I worry that if during an argument he shoved you / slapped you but not hard enough to leave a mark, if you’re really honest with yourself that wouldn’t be enough for you to definitely leave - am I right?

It feels like at this point only what you view as a ‘serious’ physical assault e.g. punching you in the face would be enough?

Yes I totally agree with this. You don’t need to hit a tick list or benchmark. Finances will sort themselves out, have a good think through the practicalities, talk to your mum.
You can call it a trial separation of 6 months if you want to, but I think you need to heal in your own space. Once out the scales will fall off. He’d probably be onto a new teenager before you know it.

How do you foresee your future Poet?

I agree Poet that if you had a few months to yourself with the children, I think you would start to see just how much you've been in survival mode this whole time. This has become normal to you but it's not normal. And you deserve so much more.

Poet you keep posting, I genuinely think one day you’ll be free, and other people will be signposted to these threads and see it’s possible. It isn’t a quick process and you’ve come on in leaps and bounds. There is a lot to unravel, and even though this is anonymous it’s very brave of you to post and question and move forward. You have a lot of support here.

Like you, PinkPoet, your children are trained to ignore, minimise and de-escalate their angry, abusive father. Like you, they walk on eggshells and misattribute his actions. They blame the naughty apple. They try to soothe him and the situation. They try not to 'provoke' him. It's a toxic and abusive situation.

Hi Poet,
I have read all your threads and what really strikes me about you is fear.
You've convinced yourself that you're not consciously 'afraid' of him but what is holding you back is a huge fear of what would happen to you within your own psyche if you finally said "no more" and ended the relationship.
You're grimly hanging on a to a bit of flotsam after a shipwreck and fear that you will drown if you let go even though you can see a beach to come ashore on to be rescued.
I think that the castle walls that you have built to protect your mental balances will crumble and you fear that YOU will be lost into an abyss because those walls are made of sand and not rock.....and...you are right. The nightmares and anxiety are like trying to rebuild your mental walls from sand - it works for a short period but it all starts to slip away and you try to shore it up again and again and again....
I think that the mental shock of finally admitting (and really accepting) that you're married to a man who is not 'good' will overwhelm you. You need to prepare for that but it will pass and you will start to heal but it won't happen until you let those walls crumble completely. You need to get yourself in a safe place and then it happen so you reach mental/emotional rock bottom - from there you can heal and rebuild in a healthy way and by that way you will realise and accept that you have built a mental fantasy island for your abusive relationship. Your relationship and your attitude towards it (with your partner in a tortured saviour role) is just a construct which your repair when his behaviour shakes it and cracks appear.

You worry about hurting your parents/friends but you are already doing that. They know that something is horribly wrong but act 'normally' because they don't want to put you in a position where you feel threatened enough to drop contact. They're probably waiting for you to confide. They will provide that 'beach' for you if you completely break. If one of my DC were going through this I would prefer to know (and help) regardless of what it was rather than worry about the worst. People who construct castle walls of sand always worry about burdening others but this is actually a harmful mental mechanism that gives you an excuse to keep fixing those walls. You do the same with everyone on here - the constant apologies and excuses serve only to shore up your walls.

The other thing that I would add is about your DC and your husband's behaviour towards them. Today's occurrence (and all the others) with the apple and shouting and their reaction is an example of 'fawning'. The fact that it all ends with laughing and he turns it all to smiles is your DC's way of coping. It is the same with you topping up the sex tank - you are fawning. The DC are cajoled into smiles and laughing - that is their fawning reaction when inside they're anxious and frightened. This is so fucked up for them and you. He is a monster and you need to accept this. Go to your parents for safety with your DC, admit what has happened (all of it) and let the walls break.
I'm so sorry.

Poet, I am also interested to known what your 'red line' is.

We all know that your husband has crossed lines that a lot of us wouldn't even need in our lives but what is yours? If you don't have one then why is that?

@ThisIsPinkPoet I think it’s a good idea to call WA today. Please do it. You’ve come so very far. You need to speak to them again.

It’s a good idea to call women’s aid as you feel fear and you are not imagining it. You know you are not being over sensitive as you felt what you felt. You are now fearing an escalation.
No one wants this to escalate. Try if you can so do a few practical things to make pre empt kids coming home. You should not have to but you are in this situation right now. I hope your ankle is better. And do call women’s aid x

If he’d punched you when you were pregnant, the red line would be rape. But he raped you when you were pregnant, so the red line is punching. I don’t think you have a red line that you won’t bend if it means staying with him and that’s ok, it’s your life, it’s just an observation.

You’ve had many many people say on this thread that sexual assault and aggression is not normal and no, men are not all a bit like that. My DH isn’t perfect but my god he would never dream of speaking to or about me like your husband has spoken to and about you. I’m the mother of his children, not a fuck doll. Also, the other day I changed my mind about sex after we started kissing as I was worried the kids were awake and he said no worries, maybe later and it was fine. He desires me, he loves sex, but he also sees me as a human being. This isn’t special, I’m not lucky, this is normal - the bar.

I think you find it easier not to believe this because again it means you can stay. And again that is ok - it’s your life. At some point though I think it’ll be a case of accept it as it is or change it by leaving. If you find this thread helpful in building the strength to leave that’s great, keep using it. You won’t find the tools to reach acceptance here though, and I don’t believe you’ll find them through therapy either. And I don’t think you’ll change him because he is fundamentally a person who hates women.

Kudos on stopping the drinking!

The way you treat him with kid gloves makes me think this idea that he'd never hurt you (aside from the fact he already has, and keeps hurting you but you want to believe the sexual violence doesn't count) is an illusion. You're an expert in walking on eggshells around him, because maybe deep down you're not sure.

This is a man who cannot be trusted to be left alone with kids for even one morning despite his wife recovering from an injury. He jokes because he knows exactly what he's doing.

You're absolutely entitled to not answering certain questions but your silence on these issues has created a pattern.

Do the kids behave differently when they're away from him?

If he’d punched you when you were pregnant, the red line would be rape. But he raped you when you were pregnant, so the red line is punching. I don’t think you have a red line that you won’t bend if it means staying with him and that’s ok, it’s your life, it’s just an observation.

^ This is true, he's thrashed and destroyed so many boundaries now that there isn't a red line. Masturbating over you as your sleep should be a red line and it's not. To feel like this is normal shows just how many other boundaries have been crossed repeatedly.