Found explicit messages on partner's phone and now feeling guilty

[Ann86132]

I went snooping on partners phone (logged in, didn’t have actual access to phone) and found very explicit messages, watched the conversation in real time.

Now I’m feeling guilty, as I’m the one that in effect has put the grenade onto our relationship.

I was aware of some contact before, but chose to turn a blind eye to it, but just couldn’t continue after seeing what I saw.

Now I have such mixed emotions, is this normal!?
I don’t know what I want really from this, I don’t want to tell friends or family, I just need some opinions/advice, just feeling so very sad.

Those who accuse without reason are usually projecting their own behaviour.

Accusing you probably means he has been doing this for years himself.
i understand how hard it is, i forgave my cheating ex and tried to make it work. 10 years later I discovered he had never really given her up and they’d been on and off the whole time (she wouldn’t leave her husband either)

our child showed me my ex’s phone to find out who he had sent photos of said child in meltdown to. I then discovered 10 years worth of messaging.

best bit was my ex threatening to report me to the police because looking at his phone without permission is a criminal offence apparently

we are now divorced and he is still trying to exert control in any way he can - paying maintenance late in contravention of our financial order is the current one.

Honestly, get shut now, he’s had enough of your goodwill…

“….. found very explicit messages, watched the conversation in real time.
Now I’m feeling guilty, as I’m the one that in effect has put the grenade onto our relationship“

He’s cheating on you. The grenade is all his. Feel no guilt, he’s a worm. Bin him.

Don’t feel guilty about the snooping, especially as it was done with good reason. I’m sorry you’re going through this 💐

Why on earth are you feeling guilty??!! He's acting like a dick. Dump him asap!!

You looked because you wanted, needed, to know. You're finally in a place to face it.
Now you can process the reality of it all. You have separated, so you know you can go it on your own. It was an emotional crutch to continue the relationship otherwise, but neither good nor bad. There's no reason to fight. Really. It is what it is. Hold your head up. It's time for the next step.

The thought of starting a new relationship can be overwhelming when you have spent 20+ years with one person. Body confidence is often a big issue for many women in that situation but speaking as someone who has been there and done that, I would encourage you to get rid asap. Although I never found my perfect match, I did meet a man who thought I was beautiful and the sex was the best ever. We had 10 years of living our best lives but he wanted a wife and I didn't want another husband. I'm now single and happier than I have ever been. I still get chatted up but most men my age are looking for a nurse or a purse 😂 I'm loving my independence and am proof that there's light at the end of the tunnel. Good luck 😘

If it’s happened before with the same woman years ago you can pretty much guarantee it never stopped sadly

Get out now!!

I’m sorry your partner is a cheating rat but please, please don’t be sorry/guilty you checked up on him ( I will not call it snooping).

You’re probably regretting that you’ve uncovered this bombshell BUT at least you know what you’re dealing with.

Personally I’d give him the boot immediately but I’m afraid you’ll probably stay in this horrendous relationship because you can’t imagine any other life.

Of course he could give you the boot for this OW.

You can have a better life than this - it’s time to value yourself and create a happier life.

Oh my Darling! I’m so sorry you are going through this and please don’t blame yourself for a moment. It might not feel like it now but a few years down the line, this will feel like one of those sliding door moments when your life opens up with more opportunities and happiness. Please be kind to yourself x 💐

I'd dump him. He wants to have sex with another woman. Fir me, there would be no way back from there.

So he's got his own place - did he move out & did this coincide with the last time he got caught? Do you think he's stringing you along/keeping you sweet?

You are trying to keep the relationship while he is trying to get out of the relationship. You are not seeing eye to eye. You should talk to him about whether or not he wants to stay in the relationship because he's on the fast track to hook up with another woman. Do not wait until he actually does it. You need clarity now.

@Ann86132

This.

If a guy accuses you of cheating, on no evidence except something he makes up, it means he is cheating. He’s projecting. He will also make it your fault that he is cheating. They also have the anger management skills of a 2 yr old.
I’ve been in your shoes. Heard my oh with his gf . I felt sick to my stomach . There’s no going back. I tried that, too. He promised to stop, was sorry, he even cried..crocodile manipulative tears.

It took over my head for a couple of years even after I left for good, but there is Light at the end of the tunnel.

The problem is that when you've been with someone a long time you feel obligated to try and make things work.

It's going to be really difficult but either this behaviour needs to stop and you continue to work together on your relationship or you think "bugger that" and call it quits. You deserve better than this either way. He needs to give you the respect you deserve or get lost.

Finding out the truth is horrible but you cannot unsee what you've seen and you will need to act on it.

This is absolutely awful OP. I understand the feeling of putting a grenade in your life. But it makes you think, what is the actual point of having a partner in your life?

is it that you live together and will now have to move out?

do you have children together? If so that is really massive to deal with.

but a serious line has been crossed and it would kill you from the inside as you know which is why you launched the grenade.

what an absolute horror he is though. Showing you and your relationship no respect at all.

Awful for you. He got his own place so he could carry on cheating and be less discoverable. He didn’t have your back. He wanted to have freedom behind your back. Have his cake and eat it. The game is what it’s about..they enjoy the superior feeling of pulling wool over your eyes. You need to get angry and regain some self esteem. This is him, not you. You deserved better…he knows it. They go for people they think are superior to them, then enjoy making them small , even in their own heads by being cleverer..again in their own heads. I doubt she was the first or only, but either way, you need to tell your family so you can vent to a friendly face, cry on a shoulder and get emotional support.

Biggest hug to you..
You deserve so much more than this .
Take some time try and get you're thoughts and feelings in place..
When you're ready you need to tell them you know and that you deserved so much more than this deceit.
You're partner is a sleazy coward keep telling yourself that you deserve respect xx

I would think about changing your locks. Thankfully you aren’t living together anymore