Found explicit messages on partner's phone and now feeling guilty

[Ann86132]

I went snooping on partners phone (logged in, didn’t have actual access to phone) and found very explicit messages, watched the conversation in real time.

Now I’m feeling guilty, as I’m the one that in effect has put the grenade onto our relationship.

I was aware of some contact before, but chose to turn a blind eye to it, but just couldn’t continue after seeing what I saw.

Now I have such mixed emotions, is this normal!?
I don’t know what I want really from this, I don’t want to tell friends or family, I just need some opinions/advice, just feeling so very sad.

I'm sorry, OP. It sounds like you're in shock. I think it's perfectly normal to wish that you didn't know shocking things because these things have real implications on how you feel and actions you'll need to consider. None of this applied when ignorance was bliss.

When it sinks in, you'll probably find yourself pretty pissed off.

Until then, please take the advice to look after yourself in all ways. ❤

Oh, he would be out on his ear before dinner time. FUCK. THAT. SHIT.

No one needs a man this badly.

This is an important question @Ann86132.

He does have a temper, but it more of a turn of phrase. I’d be out on my ear!

coincidentally he has accused me over the years (totally unfounded) he actually sometimes still brings up now when we row, something that he’s put 2 and 2 together and come up with 5.

Once he even said he doubted the kids were his!
He’ll threaten allsorts but his bark is worse than his bite. I’m pretty sure he’d never hurt me.

I have screenshotted them all.

I confronted him, he denied it. Even sent him one screenshot.

For context, we have been together over 20 years. But he actually moved out 2 years ago. We have since worked on the relationship (so I thought) and seemed to have put all the years of rowing and dramas behind us.

so, I’m absolutely gutted to have found this out.

It's over. I'm so sorry, but it's over.

You’ve been under reacting for years then. He’s a major arse, not worth fighting to keep….

He accuses you of cheating because he is ‘projecting’ due to him cheating on you. He’s doing it so he’s worried you’re doing the same thing . Makes him feel better about what he’s doing too .

Thank you, I’m beating myself up over the snooping element, and just messed up mentally tbh. I liken it to punishing the kids when they’re naughty …it’s like you love them but they’re absolute little shits at times - not a good analogy, but a bit of background as to how I feel.

For context, we have been together over 20 years. But he actually moved out 2 years ago. We have since worked on the relationship (so I thought) and seemed to have put all the years of rowing and dramas behind us.

We have kids but they’re not little anymore and at secondary

The relationship was really rocky before anyway so it's not just the one grenade, he's probably been cheating ever since he moved out and even before that. Just tell him you know and it's over. It doesn't matter whether he lies or tells the truth I don't think there is any way back from this one.

Sounds like an absolutely shit relationship anyway to be honest

How on earth is he denying something when there is proof! He knows he has fucked up.

why did he move out before? Like someone just said makes you wonder if he was doing this then.

Last night, I confronted him right away. The same thing happened with the same person a couple years ago. We worked on the relationship (he has his own place now but we are still very much a couple, or so I thought) Feeling like a mug and these emotions of guilt and sadness that everything I had or thought I had has effectively gone.

Hey please don’t beat yourself up - he’s in the wrong, not you - you clearly had something in your gut that made you look - I’ve got a friend who was totally shat on in her 50s and the only way she found out was her H went to the bar and he left his phone facing upwards and a message came through and she could see the picture and first 2 lines so she quickly went through whilst he was at the bar - not a nice way to find out about an 18 month affair at all. She said she had a gut feeling for about 6 months before but had never checked his phone and wishes she had - Luckily she was very savvy, put on her best Judy dench performance for 3 weeks and made sure she knew where she stood , transferred some money around too etc before confronting - you don’t have that issue luckily if he’s not living with you - I’m sorry it’s turned out this way - but not sorry that you at least know where you stand

but we are still very much a couple

It sounds like this has only been true for you, I'm afraid 😔 He seems to have managed to have his cake and eat it too: officially 'stay' with you and look like a good guy/dad, while having his own place and doing whatever he pleases, including continuing the affair away from your watchful eye (until now).

I'm so sorry, it must hurt like hell ❤️‍🩹

@Ann86132 You are not very much still a couple, you're deluding yourself. Meanwhile he's got the best of both worlds, assuming he's still sleeping with you? You're already living separately so I suggest you cut the final cord on this hopeless relationship. He's not going to change is he. I know this sounds harsh but something similar happened to me after 23 years of marriage and I wish someone had shaken some sense into me then. I was so lost and confused, it felt like a bereavement. So believe me, I do understand.

Thank you, and I’m sorry you went through that too.

Thing is, if this was any of my friends I know what I’d be telling them to do, it’s just so very hard isn’t it.

Yes, still having sex, and that’s (from what I thought) always been good, but it’s got me questioning everything now tbh (my body confidence isn’t great anyway- but I’m okay with him) , without sounding like an utter wet wipe, he’s all I known my whole adult life, I’ve not been with anyone else in over 20 years, I’ve had his children, I think you sum it up perfectly when you say bereavement.

my life certainly isn’t perfect… but I thought we were happy and had each others backs.

That still paints a pretty awful picture of him, even setting aside the sexting which, in my opinion, is definitely cheating.

He sounds very unpleasant indeed and you now have solid evidence of his infidelity so you can end your marriage with a clear conscience secure in the knowledge that you are doing the best for you and your children, whose parentage he actually doubted.

That is the first thing @Ann86132 partner will jump on if he knows she looked through his phone.

Don't let that minimise the betrayal of him sending those messages @Ann86132

You bin him off.

You're worth so so much more than this.
Least you can hold your head up high and say you tried your best. He can't.

Take good care. Have you a friend to talk to who can be a shoulder?

He’s cheating on you. You didn’t cause that to happen by looking at his phone. You are absolutely allowed to leave someone for cheating on you. It’s not your fault, you have nothing to feel guilty for.

So sorry you are going through this. Honestly I couldn't cope either but I've been there where I turned a blind eye, but more because I had no proof.
I knew it wouldn't last forever so probably another reason I ignored things, but it still hurt. was glad when it finally ended and would never be in that position again. After ending it permanently I found out there were multiple other women and they even knew we were together and still went ahead. You deserve respect and if you want a committed relationship find someone who wants the same, or be single until you do. you will be happier and you deserve it. wishing you all the best in whatever decision you make.

I know you said in your earlier post that you don’t want family and friend to know, but I’d advise against this approach. I kept my ExHs cheating a secret for years and only hurt myself by doing so. Back in those days, before no fault divorce, you could only end a marriage for adultery, unreasonable behaviour, separation or desertion. When I finally found the courage to call time on the marriage I was informed that I had condoned his behaviour by letting it go on for so long.

It was a real kicker for me. At least you won’t face that, but the sentiment is worth noting.

Please tell your family and friends. This is his shame and they will be able to support you, practically and emotionally.

he doesn’t have your back, you might be loyal to him but he is showing no allegiance to you.