Feel very let down by my daughter

[OliveToboogie]

My ex partner and I were together 10 years. We split last June 2025. The split was not pleasant he became verbally very abusive and called me some horrendous names ( Fucking Cxxx) being one of his nicer comments about me. My daughter and son got on well with my ex and I never told them about the Verbal abuse. He also refused to give me
my property back so I was out of pocket for quite a sum of money. I contacted Women’s Aid and they helped me see his behaviour was appalling and I deserved so much better.

My daughter got engaged and had a party last night. To my horror she had invited my ex her excuse was “ as I have know. Him since I was 17”. He actually had the audacity to come to the party and sat with my family. I know my daughter can invite who she likes to her party but it was so so difficult seeing him sitting there knowing how horrifically abusive he has been. Feel really angry today and let down by my daughter which is probably unfair o my part and still trying to process it all. Not sure what I am liooking for here just a place to vent I suppose . Thank You

You need to tell her what he did that was bad. It is unreasonable of you to expect her to cut him off when she doesn't know about the bad behaviour.

Ok so there’s a very chequered relationship between you two. Whereas perhaps it’s always been stable with your ex. I’m not saying it’s right but…. There’s obviously a pretty horrendous backstory between you and your daughter for her to have gone NC with you for 2 years

Why?

I never told them about the Verbal abuse

how did they know then. They heard?

Im sorry but the I think calling someone a Fucking Cunt is appalling. I don’t speak like that and neither do my son and daughter.

I think you need to tell her, she is a grown woman and mature enough to know i don't know why she thought it was ok to invite him to the party, he is your ex he isn't her dad and she wasn't a little girl when you got together she was 17, he probably is "charming" abusers normally are, i think you need to have a grown up conversation with her, before she invites him to the wedding!

I told my sister but she agreed not to say anything to my daughter. He was sitting beside my sister, my BIL and my neices

What? Calling me a cunt means you are out of my life, for good. No friends or family would entertain you either.

Unless you are honest about why your daughter took the drastic decision to cut you out of her life for 2 years - it’s difficult to comment honestly

I thought it was a bit odd to invited your mums ex especially since she has a good relationship with her dad but I’m willing to admit I was wrong about invite

Your daughter had told you before the party what she’d invited your ex, with whom you knew she was very close to.

Of course he was going to attend.

But she was and isnvery close to him.

Did she cut him out of her life for 2 years when she decided to do that to you for some reason?

She went no contact because her dad and I split and she was very angry with me as I instigated the split. No one else I involved.

Yes she did not speak to both of us or contact us .

Thank you for your responses a lot to think about and process .

I think you need to tell her the truth.

If she then carries on a relationship with this man, that's on her.

Be prepared for them to pal up. Happened to me too. I think they do it (ex's) on purpose to feel justified and validated. Your daughter is young and naive

@OliveToboogie I'm confused, because in your initial post, you said that My daughter and son got on well with my ex and I never told them about the Verbal abuse but in a later post, you said that your daughter DID know about the verbal abuse. Did she know or not?

I agree that it was odd for her to invite him to the party, but what's done is done. Going forward, however, I wouldn't shield her from your ex's behavior towards you, it's OK to tell a woman in her late 20's the truth and it can also be a way for you both to discuss what is/isn't abusive behavior - and point out that she should never tolerate being treated like that herself.

But your daughter didn’t even know about that.

And you didn’t think it pertinent to mention that your daughter went NC with you for two years. So who knows what other aspects of the whole story we are missing?!

from what you’ve now said - there is a high risk if you bring this up in the run up to the wedding it will come between you and your daughter. Vent here, to friends, see a therapist etc but you have to tread very carefully to preserve your relationship with her.

And from other people have said about your earlier threads @OliveToboogie , you haven’t always been very easy to live with. So don’t expect blood relatives to side with you automatically.

Her daughter wasnt aware of it, its right there in the OP, so no, OP isnt entitled to feel betrayed, its natural that she will feel this though which is what I acknowledged.

Feeling are not always 'correct' and sometimes its a challenge to work through that.

OPs most important task is to ensure this doesnt come between her and her daughter, her daughter has a right to have a relationship with someone she feels is important to her.

Feeling are not always 'correct' and sometimes its a challenge to work through that.

Quite so. I cannot abide this modern fantasy of “your feelings are always valid”. No. No, they’re not.