Would you act as a go-between for contact in this situation?

[thirdpartygobetween]

Would you be ok with a third party go between to facilitate contact ? I’ve been asked by my DB to help out. He stupidly had an affair, got the OW pregnant - then reconciled with SIL.

He wasn’t at the birth and SIL is saying she understands there needs to be visits but that she wants to do the collecting and drop off and DB says it’s better it’s a separate person so he’s asked me but I’m really uneasy. If I don’t help though I’m worried the baby won’t get to grow up having a good relationship with DB.

I know he’s been a total twat but we are all as a family trying to move on from that and put the baby first. OW doesn’t want SIL too involved with the baby but obviously she will be there when DB has contact and OW is saying it needs to start soon she has proposed 4 hours every weekend to start (baby is 4 weeks) but she has also said she doesn’t want SIL playing happy families with her baby.

Why would she be gloating? I doubt she will be. If you have a baby with a married man, this is what happens. Your child will have a step-mother, who is likely to be very involved, from the get go. She made her bed, she can lie in it - as can the brother. The only one who is at all innocent here is SIL.

For the sake of the child they all need to put their big grown up pants on and just arrange this amongst themselves.

Your brother picks up and drops off his own child.

There's no other sustainable solution.

Your brother just needs to do it. It would be absolutely ridiculous for SIL to do it! The poor baby!

If she's that concerned can't she just sit in the car and watch from there?

He needs to be going to the OW's house where the baby is settled to start with and build a relationship that way. Then when the baby is older he can take them away from Mum and introduce his house/SIL. But at 4 weeks? Ridiculous. Sounds like they all need their heads banging together.

No way would I get involved in this shitshow. You know the saying no good deed goes unpunished? That would apply here.

They can and should work it out themselves. Bro can go to court if he wants custody time and get a court order. He can get a step up plan and SIL will be involved at some point. The baby's mom can't dictate what he does on his custody time. Nor can SIL dictate he never see the mother of his kid.

But keep far away from this because they need to grow up and deal. Your bro also has a lot of nerve serving up you for pickups.

Your brother will absolutely do this again. Hopefully the SIL will get some self respect and leave before then

There is no sensible option other than your brother picking up the baby

So your brother honestly expects you to cancel all your plans for every Saturday from now until an unknown point in time to facilitate his relationship with his wife and his affair baby and his OW? Really? 🙄

Surely you just tell him he’s in the find-out phase, following his fucking around.

I just can't get over your bro expecting every woman in spitting distance to cater to him. The world revolves around him in his mind. He speaks, comes up with a childish plan, and you're supposed to jump when it's not your circus, it's his.

Time to disabuse him of that notion.

How old are these three, early 20s?

Sorry why can’t he be the one to pick and drop off the baby? Have I missed something? Surely this is the most simple and clean

I agree with pp that you should not get involved in this.

Inexplicable to me that your Sil wants to continue her marriage to a man after he has betrayed her to the extent of fathering a child with another woman. And if the OW wanted him at the birth it sounds very much as though she still has hopes your brother will chose to leave his wife for her.

They need to sort this out for themselves .
Hopefully your Sil will see sense and show your brother the door.

Oh dear god. I can see this from both the SIL's & the baby's mums pov.

So it sounds like he actually left his wife for the AP? (As they reconciled) So much depends on whether your brother is genuinely remorseful & 'over' the AP. or whether he's just scared of being divorced & 'doing as he's told' (for now). Did SIL know AP was pregnant when she took him back??

I think SIL either has to accept the child is going to be a part of their lives forever (not just accept visits need to happen) or separate. If she stays with him this is going to mean BOTH of them being in contact with the baby's mum. Changing her mindset of her being the baby's mum not the OW, if she stays with him she has to decide to trust him again, she cannot keep tabs on him 24/7/365, it just doesn't work.

in turn the baby's mum will just have to accept the best thing for her child is that it has a good relationship with SIL Why is she saying that contact has to start soon & for 4 hours? Is she wanting him to leave SIL & them be a family?

It only has a chance of working out IF your brother genuinely loves your SIL & absolutely wants to be with her, not just because of guilt & obligation (or family pressure)

They ALL need to prioritise what the tiny baby NEEDS & I think for such a tiny baby, your brother needs to go to the baby's house so the baby is with the Mum.

you doing pickups & drop offs isn't the solution, they all have to realise this is a baby/childs life they're sorting out, not a temporary situation for a few weeks.

Quite. Don’t get involved in this clusterfuck of a situation unnecessarily.

His wife (op SIL) doesn't want him seeing the woman he's had an affair with & now has a baby with.

while I can understand her feelings, it's just not practical when there's a baby involved.

Do it to get the visits up and running and then stop doing it?

It's all very well helping out for a few weeks, but realistically, how long could you keep on doing this for? Until the child is 5? 10? 15? Occasional help is one thing but surely contact can't be built around you ( or anyone else) being permanently available.
Do SiL and DB have children together?

Also, you don't just 'drop a baby off', or a young child for that matter. There needs to be an exchange of information such as:
when was the last feed/nap/nappy change, how much milk/what cream to use
are they unwell/teething/restless - if so do they need calpol/chewy toy
what is helping them off with their nap currently - a pram walk/song/need wrapping or tapping

There is a lot of information that needs to be exchanged at handover. The parents need to do this themselves directly. A third party doing handover and passing on the information is just a way for information to be changed or missed.
The third party will be blamed for any wrong information passed on.

I hope the OW is putting in a claim for child support. Your brother needs to financially support his child.

I'd stay out of it. Your SIL is going to have to suck up contact between your B and his AP - that's the choice she made. Also this situation sounds like it's got a long way to run yet...

This is what normally happens🤷‍♀️ most mothers wouldn’t let their newborn baby be taken off for hours without them! A court would also usually say the father can visit for an hour or so a week while the mother is there too

SIL obviously didn't envisage this situation when she married OP's brother and she isn't to blame for the affair. She has made a choice to reconcile with her husband but unless OP tells us that she was a terrible wife and her brother was justified in having unprotected sex with his affair partner, I think your language about her is harsh. Saying that she needs to 'suck it up', as though she is to blame for the situation is unfair. OP's brother and the OW are to blame for the situation, not SIL.

I doubt that the marriage will survive this. I think SIL will find the situation too hard and hopefully will end the marriage.

She's not to blame at all, but she decided to stay and her feckless husband has responsibilities to his child. SIL really can't be protected from this situation. Hopefully she'll change her mind and find someone more deserving to be with. If I was the AP, I wouldn't be letting my baby go off with a random so that the wife doesn't get upset.

If she does it once, she has accepted ghe responsibility. And her "D"B, being an irresponsible feck, will just expect her to continue, and get nasty if she doesn't.

No.
The baby should not be leaving the mothers home fir visitation with the father.
At 4 weeks old your brother should be visiting his dc at the mothers house for an hour or 2 2-3 times a week with mum in the house but not necessarily in the same room.
Your sil should not be involved at all at this stage
When the baby is 3-6 months old visits should start to transition to an hour or 2 out of the house again no sil
After 6 months progress should be made to full day visits with dad and a slow introduction to sil should happen.
Overnights should not happen under 1 year when the baby has never lived with the father.

This is what's in the best interest of the child. Sil and your brother are putting their wants before the needs of the child do not get involved

Yes, and I agree that the mother and baby shouldn't be separated. However, in these circumstances, I don't think I could live with it and it would be the end of the marriage.

Then the marriage should end.
The child's needs must come 1st and if you cant do that you shouldn't be in its life