Male friend behaviour

[LA1988]

I have been friends with this guy since I was 16. We are now both 39. He's my sons godfather. We have always got any really well. Last weekend I had my first child free night in months so planned on a hot bath, movie & early bedtime. He randomly turned up (which has never been an issue before) we ended up having a few drinks & just chatting about life in general (which is normal) then I said i was exhausted so was going to bed. He asked if it was ok to crash on the sofa because he had been drinking (again it was fine, we had both slept on each other's sofas over the years) as I went to leave the room to go upstairs he said "or i could sleep in your bed" (we have never shared a bed in all the years I have known him) I said "ok I will sleep down here if you want to sleep upstairs" again he made the suggestion we sleep together & I was firm & said no. He then said "maybe i will wait until your asleep then climb in next you, you wouldnt know whats happening because your asleep" his response for some reason made me doubt his presence. I said I would call his brother to pick him up if he wanted to go home & sleep in his own bed or call a taxi & he could pick his car up the next day. He gave me a smirk & said "oh I get it, thats fine you cock tease" then started shouting i had been leading him on for years. I asked him to leave immediately because he has never spoken to me like that in all the years we have known each other. As he was leaving he said "maybe you should think about all the things I have done for you over the years & that I owe him". I have tried talking to him about what happened last weekend. I have called & text but he has chosen not to speak to me but its put me on edge because its making me question myself, our friendship & if anything has happend when I have been asleep previously.

I imagine the OP would have described her friendship the same last week

I'm not saying that yours isn't genuine

But hers probably was also just like that from her viewpoint!

Absolutely do not reach out to the brother. That is not safe advice

I get the temptation to appeal and to try to get your side of things heard, but do not do this!

It worries me that someone coudl change so completely-if you've known him for decades, you would surely have ended the friendship if he'd been anything but a good person?
A similar post on Reddit (I'm not implying you're making this up-I'm saying anyone in your position knows something is very wrong) eventually revealed the man in question had a brain tumour.
No one goes from being good to a complete creep without a reason-you couldn't have mistaken him for so long.

I'm scared for you, he is a dangerous man. I would tell anyone who knows him, and anyone you trust, do not keep this a secret. I would also write it all down for myself exactly what he said, when and how. Do not contact him, and if he tries to contact you simply send a text or email saying you want no more communication from him., so.that if he persists you can prove that he is stalking you, just in case. The National stalking helpline is good for advice. I'm so sorry he mistreated you this way, but at least you know the truth about his character now.

My best friend who i have know 20yrs has been very supportive. She has never liked him. She said the first time she met him she found him abit odd. She said he seemed too protective of me. Noticed he would act strange if he saw me talking to another man during social occasions. Would always be insistent about walking me home after a night out etc. After speaking to her I feel stupid because I never noticed any of this behaviour. I just saw the walking home thing as a man protecting women. Most nights I got a taxi home or if I was with a partner they would either pick me up or I they'd be with me & we'd walk home as a couple.

It was always a booty-call. He was horny, you were always an option in his head. He knows he did wrong to a level that can get him in criminal trouble, so he’s taken the attack as defence tactic. Creating the classic he said - she said reasonable doubt for if it ever went to court and claiming it’s all your fault to everyone else. What a piece of shit.

I do believe straight men and women can be true platonic friends, but unfortunately LOTS of ‘platonic’ friendships like this are just men keeping female friends around for the ego boost and as ‘options’ for those horny booty-call evenings.

If you get on with the family write them an email/letter explaining what happened and how disappointed you are that your friend behaved that way and then lied about it, because now you have to break contact with all of them. Say that you didn’t want them to go away with such a horrible and untrue impression of her.

Sending love, how genuinely horrible for you xx

🤦

OMG can this stop

And if he DID have a brain tumour that was making him threaten to rape the OP whilst covering his track by painting her as hysterical and spreading the idea that she's a CP risk to her children, so what from the OPs point of view? Her safety isn't improved by reaching for REASONS why this might not be his fault, he's still a REAL danger to her.

All of these "maybe he....."s are still very low on the likelihood scale

It's most likely textbook predator

He was ALWAYS like this, he was just curating the OPs opinion of her up until he was ready to pounce. Predators can maintain this for years

It's a depressingly common playbook and it RARELY turns out to be a bloody brain tumour!

Neurological conditions that could have "innocently" caused him to act like that, wouldn't be consistent with him also having the insight to know it was so wrong that he had to go on a smear campaign to cover his tracks!

He is dangerous! Do NOT let him in your house EVER again or allow yourself to be alone with him.
He is not a friend OP. He has basically insinuated that he's prepared to enter into your bed when you're asleep and do things to you when you're unable to consent or defend yourself! If you need this spelling out to you, this is also known as sexual assult/rape......
He is also implying that you owe him sexual favours for being a friend ffs!!!

OP has already explained she is close to his family and that his brother came to collect him, saw she was shaken and asked if she was ok. Unsure how it's strange she would then talk to someone she was already close to and had witnessed the aftermath.

Also there is never an excuse for what he did, and what he threatened to do afterwards re. the abusive ex.

I cannot believe you are trying to rationalise him 'lashing out' by insinuating a rape, and threatening her children's safety.

I try not to be rude on here, but what the hell is wrong with you?

Stereotypical weak man reaction to rejection.

Lovely to hear he's only helped you out over the years in the hope of getting in your knickers!

I really don't think you should be chasing the friendship.

I'd block him and move on.

Oh god op thats terrifying im so sorry and happy he did leave and didnt take it further. Reading your update about DV feom ex partner too im so sorry.

Please stop reaching out, he will try and turn it as 'see, she is crazy!'. You do not want this kind of man in your life. Consider getting a video doorbell if you can.

I might seem overly cautious but this story is eerily similar to something ive experienced and it did escalate due to his entitlement and me forgiving them on too many occasions. He is NOT a good person, forget how long youve been friends (although that does make it hurtful and hard) and please be careful.

I had a “friend” who stayed over cos he had been drinking normally no problemo we were in a group of good friends
I woke up and he was on top of me and in me
you just never know when it will happen or who it would be
we were all friends
I really hate people sometimes

im really sorry but the relationship with him is over. It sounds to me like he maybe saw you as vulnerable when you split from your ex due to DV and has been insidiously trying to be close to you by being “supportive” to
create a relationship where you owe him something. There is no going back from this. In addition to the fact the comment about getting in bed with you when you are sleeping suggesting he’s actually someone quite dangerous, his other actions of talking to people spinning a story about you shows he knows exactly what he’s done. He’s crossed a line from which he cannot go back. Dont text him or speak to him. There’s nothing more to say. You just need him out of your life. I wish you all the best x

This whole episode is chilling. I can’t imagine the stress you are suffering.

Is it possible for your dv worker/police to contact him asap and remind him of the court order and the legal shit he will be in if your former partner learns of your whereabouts, as it will have only one source.

Can people stop with the dangerous advice

Under no circumstance put him in contact with your DV worker or anyone else connected to you that he doesn't already have contact with

I'm a bloke. I have a couple of really close friends from uni who are women. I was nodding along to your recount, thinking ha ha that reminds me of so and so, until I got to the bit about the bed sharing. Oh my fucking god.
This person is not your friend. At all. Never, never, communicate with him any which way again.
It is 200% possible for a happily married man, to be friends with a happily married woman. Like I am. But your ex 'friend'- no, no, no.

F

Can I suggest that you use the Clare’s Law option to find out more about this man? This is not ‘involving the Police’ but I strongly recommend you use this option. Link to the online info below. This is not ‘out of the blue’ behaviour in my view and you may discover that other women have had similar issues with him in the past. It is best to know. I would never let this man into my home again, or anywhere near my child. Please be careful OP. https://www.police.uk/rqo/request/ri/request-information/cl/triage/v2/request-information-under-clares-law/

Fuck. This is why I don't invest time in friendships with men any more, or not anyone new anyway. It's just not worth it. There are passionate advocates for opposite sex friendships on Mumsnet, but they underestimate how many men will play the long game and may be very romantically or sexually invested in them.

He then said "maybe i will wait until your asleep then climb in next you, you wouldnt know whats happening because your asleep" his response for some reason made me doubt his presence.

He showed you his true colours there.

Your comfort or consent doesn't matter. Disgusting behaviour, and his drink doesn't excuse that. Plenty of people have let their guard down and made awkward or regrettable drunken advances without inviting themselves into someone's bed and then shouting at them when they object. As others have said, block him on everything. No contact. He's made himself very clear.

To clarify, Clare’s law is there to help you.
Clare’s Law allows the police to release information about any previous history of violence or abuse a person might have. It means the Police can provide information that helps protect people at risk and prevent further crimes.
Under Clare's Law you can apply for information about:

• a current or ex-partner that you still have contact with, because you're worried they may have a history of abuse, and are a risk to you
• a current or ex-partner of a friend or relative that they still have contact with, because you're worried they might be at risk.

I'm so sorry :( .It's not people. It's men, as the sexual offence statistics overwhelmingly show.

Omg that must have been a big shock to you. I'm sorry that happened you. Cut ties I'm afraid x

The friendship is over as the trust has gone. Don't bother with him.

‘ We were rehoused due to the domestic abuse we had experienced from my ex & my so called friend knows all this because he supported me through the court case’

Sounds like there’s been existing contact.
Plus OP says DV contact offered to approach him and I’d assume they know more than we do about best approach here….

Stop trying to engage him or his family! Block him and move on.