Help end medical misogyny. Sign our petition.

Help end medical misogyny.
Sign our petition.

Sign the petition

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Male friend behaviour

122 replies

LA1988 · Yesterday 12:49

I have been friends with this guy since I was 16. We are now both 39. He's my sons godfather. We have always got any really well. Last weekend I had my first child free night in months so planned on a hot bath, movie & early bedtime. He randomly turned up (which has never been an issue before) we ended up having a few drinks & just chatting about life in general (which is normal) then I said i was exhausted so was going to bed. He asked if it was ok to crash on the sofa because he had been drinking (again it was fine, we had both slept on each other's sofas over the years) as I went to leave the room to go upstairs he said "or i could sleep in your bed" (we have never shared a bed in all the years I have known him) I said "ok I will sleep down here if you want to sleep upstairs" again he made the suggestion we sleep together & I was firm & said no. He then said "maybe i will wait until your asleep then climb in next you, you wouldnt know whats happening because your asleep" his response for some reason made me doubt his presence. I said I would call his brother to pick him up if he wanted to go home & sleep in his own bed or call a taxi & he could pick his car up the next day. He gave me a smirk & said "oh I get it, thats fine you cock tease" then started shouting i had been leading him on for years. I asked him to leave immediately because he has never spoken to me like that in all the years we have known each other. As he was leaving he said "maybe you should think about all the things I have done for you over the years & that I owe him". I have tried talking to him about what happened last weekend. I have called & text but he has chosen not to speak to me but its put me on edge because its making me question myself, our friendship & if anything has happend when I have been asleep previously.

OP posts:
WhatTheHellsGoingOn · Today 11:00

He was playing the long game. It’s time to block on everything and grey rock. If you see him in person you can tell him you can’t believe he stooped so low regarding your ex (record so you can hopefully catch him admitting he lied) He’s scum. Obviously

Hotupnorth · Today 11:04

And that's the end of that "friendship".

Nasty, disappointing and very sad.

Branleuse · Today 11:11

Jeez. It sounds like your ex friend has discovered the manosphere.
I hope his family tell him straight.

Newmummypamela · Today 16:35

He's dangerous & a threat to you! That surely has to be the end of any contact/friendship.

FelixRyark · Today 16:37

When somebody, (no matter what their ‘role’ is in your life,) tells you who they are…LISTEN!

This man has sinister thoughts about you. No second chances. Out, out, out of your life.
Tell anyone who asks why EXACTLY what he suggested he would do and how that predatory behaviour made you rethink everything you though you knew about him.

FelixRyark · Today 16:39

LA1988 · Today 03:14

I talked to his brother earlier to try & explain about what happened last weekend (im good friends with the whole family) but unfortunately he got there first. He's told his family i was trying to entice him into my bed & when he refused I through a "bitch fit" & was screaming at him to get out of my house. He even went as far as saying to his mum that he was concerned for my mental state & was worried about my child being in my care. He told his mum he was considering calling my childs dad to express his concerns about my childs welfare. That is the final nail in the coffin because he knows my ex is not allowed contact with me or my child after we fled from him 18mths. We were rehoused due to the domestic abuse we had experienced from my ex & my so called friend knows all this because he supported me through the court case. I just cant believe 23yrs of friendship & thinking I knew & trusted him has come to this.

Make sure you mention that this is NOT what the nanny cam in your house shows!

Treetopssofee · Today 16:42

It didnt "come to this". It was always this.

It's not your fault you didn't see past the mask, it's not a mark on your judgement or intelligence, it happens to bright women all the time

But this is who he has been all along. As another poster said, he played the long game.

CrayonCritic · Today 16:44

As someone said, he will apologise at some point, you need to be strong and not listen. Men can be very slow to realise things, so the apology could be years into the future when you’re not expecting it.

whitefluffydog · Today 16:47

lol, whaaaattt?

ChaToilLeam · Today 16:48

Block this evil man on all channels and don't ever let him back into your life. He was biding his time.

Moanyoldmoan · Today 16:52

Lesson learned - men are never “friends” - they are only ever there hoping to sleep with you.

1983Louise · Today 16:52

Wow please never see him again, he could have raped you, you've had a lucky escape.

Treetopssofee · Today 16:55

You need to be prepared for a few things

He will have been priming people against you. Just low level describing you as a bit of a train-wreck to mutuals, in ways that painted him as a good but long suffering friend.

His side will now be more believable than his. So with some people don't be surprised that they believe outlandish things

Happyjoe · Today 16:57

Keep away from all of them. Ugh. Nasty nasty. Sorry OP, it's things like this that hurt. What an utter wanker. Please don't try to contact them again, hold your head up high.

Dontgive · Today 16:58

This is very concerning to say what he said then double gown telling everyone lies about you and threatening to contact your ex . He's trying to discredit you with his family so that if he dies do anything else they wont believe you . You need to stay away from him as he sound like a narcissistic and dangerous. Any other person would be ashamed of how they behaved and apologised not spread lies about you.

ThatCyanCat · Today 16:59

Bloody hell, he hid this for 23 years? That's sociopathic.

Never have any contact with him ever again.

Coffeeready · Today 17:03

Yeah he’s always had an interest but he’s kept you in reserve. He’s probably always either had someone else on the go so didn’t per-sue it further, or didn’t have the opportunity due to kids being around. But he kept the “friendship” going with the thought that it could lead somewhere once he wanted it to. Sorry but he’s finally shown you exactly who he is and how he sees you and your “friendship” and it’s never been what you thought it was. After he’s given you a silent treatment to punish you for rejecting him, he’s likely to return with some kind of excuse probably blaming alcohol. But how can you ever trust him going forward? You know how he views you. Even if only due to drink (which I doubt) you can’t know if he’s been drinking or not when you see him. If you invite him back he’ll see this as you being ok with what was said and next time he might take it further. I know it hurts that this friendship wasn’t what you thought it was but you have to accept that’s the reality and stay away. It can’t go back now. It will never be what you thought it was. Because in his head it never was that.

Treetopssofee · Today 17:03

Treetopssofee · Today 16:55

You need to be prepared for a few things

He will have been priming people against you. Just low level describing you as a bit of a train-wreck to mutuals, in ways that painted him as a good but long suffering friend.

His side will now be more believable than his. So with some people don't be surprised that they believe outlandish things

To add onto that, if you tell mutuals the truth you will be proving HIM right

As they will be primed with stories about how you made up similar stories about other people.

Sadly there's a playbook that you need to swat up on ASAP 😞

whitefluffydog · Today 17:04

Interesting he knew you were abused, went to shelter and he tried to abuse you immediately just after you got rid of the first abuser.....are the majority of men born predators, goodness

Treetopssofee · Today 17:05

ThatCyanCat · Today 16:59

Bloody hell, he hid this for 23 years? That's sociopathic.

Never have any contact with him ever again.

He will have more than hid it

He will have PREPPED for it

Now anything the OP does in reaction to it with mutuals will only work in his favour

tichbrew · Today 17:08

Sadly OP I've had similar experiences with male friends and even those where it didn't descend to that explicit level of threat still ended up with me being told by someone I thought was my oldest friend that we could never be real friends because he felt that we were supposed to be together as a couple (we are both married to other people) and so there would always be something thwarted about us. I have to say that was news to me!

Justthethingsthatyoudointhisgarden · Today 17:09

This is where you block him on everything. You don't discuss it with his family but you do discuss it with trusted female friends. Stay well away from him. Nasty manipulative low life.

Beigepjs · Today 17:11

In your place I think you should contact the police.
He has threatened your safety and that of yoir children.

He is the lowest piece of shit ever.
He has clealy been waiting in the long grass for you and would risk your childrens safety to get at you.

This is 100% a police matter.

Treetopssofee · Today 17:12

Anyone who is both of your friends can now be weaponised against you.

You've got to walk away from the whole circle

He's had years to set this up. You're on the back foot.