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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Male friend behaviour

122 replies

LA1988 · Yesterday 12:49

I have been friends with this guy since I was 16. We are now both 39. He's my sons godfather. We have always got any really well. Last weekend I had my first child free night in months so planned on a hot bath, movie & early bedtime. He randomly turned up (which has never been an issue before) we ended up having a few drinks & just chatting about life in general (which is normal) then I said i was exhausted so was going to bed. He asked if it was ok to crash on the sofa because he had been drinking (again it was fine, we had both slept on each other's sofas over the years) as I went to leave the room to go upstairs he said "or i could sleep in your bed" (we have never shared a bed in all the years I have known him) I said "ok I will sleep down here if you want to sleep upstairs" again he made the suggestion we sleep together & I was firm & said no. He then said "maybe i will wait until your asleep then climb in next you, you wouldnt know whats happening because your asleep" his response for some reason made me doubt his presence. I said I would call his brother to pick him up if he wanted to go home & sleep in his own bed or call a taxi & he could pick his car up the next day. He gave me a smirk & said "oh I get it, thats fine you cock tease" then started shouting i had been leading him on for years. I asked him to leave immediately because he has never spoken to me like that in all the years we have known each other. As he was leaving he said "maybe you should think about all the things I have done for you over the years & that I owe him". I have tried talking to him about what happened last weekend. I have called & text but he has chosen not to speak to me but its put me on edge because its making me question myself, our friendship & if anything has happend when I have been asleep previously.

OP posts:
Laura95167 · Today 18:59

Im so sorry. I cant believe how much that escalated. He cant be around you or in your home anymore.

Gamerlady · Today 19:02

He sounds like a predator being honest, id block all contact immediately.

SnappyQuoter · Today 19:04

Did his brother believe you? Maybe his brother can talk sense into him, especially over his threat to contact your ex.

Angelic999 · Today 19:05

Daygloboo · Today 18:56

That's weird and creepy. I wonder why now, after all these years ? Were there never signs in the past ? Mind you, I was friends with a guy for 30 years who just started to become more obnoxious as the years went on and not remotely like the nice man I'd known when young. I came to the conclusion that I'd had misplaced loyalty and that I'd probably turned a blind eye to earlier signs that he wasnt a very nice human being.

He was never a nice guy. He was a guy playing nice to get what he wanted.

Lots of men do this for years, they get validation from being the white knight helping their damsel in distress. At some point they get resentful for doing favours and not getting sex anything back in return for all their 'good deeds'.

PotatoLove · Today 19:06

Ugh, what a complete scumbag. Block him OP.

Illegally18 · Today 19:08

LA1988 · Yesterday 12:49

I have been friends with this guy since I was 16. We are now both 39. He's my sons godfather. We have always got any really well. Last weekend I had my first child free night in months so planned on a hot bath, movie & early bedtime. He randomly turned up (which has never been an issue before) we ended up having a few drinks & just chatting about life in general (which is normal) then I said i was exhausted so was going to bed. He asked if it was ok to crash on the sofa because he had been drinking (again it was fine, we had both slept on each other's sofas over the years) as I went to leave the room to go upstairs he said "or i could sleep in your bed" (we have never shared a bed in all the years I have known him) I said "ok I will sleep down here if you want to sleep upstairs" again he made the suggestion we sleep together & I was firm & said no. He then said "maybe i will wait until your asleep then climb in next you, you wouldnt know whats happening because your asleep" his response for some reason made me doubt his presence. I said I would call his brother to pick him up if he wanted to go home & sleep in his own bed or call a taxi & he could pick his car up the next day. He gave me a smirk & said "oh I get it, thats fine you cock tease" then started shouting i had been leading him on for years. I asked him to leave immediately because he has never spoken to me like that in all the years we have known each other. As he was leaving he said "maybe you should think about all the things I have done for you over the years & that I owe him". I have tried talking to him about what happened last weekend. I have called & text but he has chosen not to speak to me but its put me on edge because its making me question myself, our friendship & if anything has happend when I have been asleep previously.

Gosh, what a strange turnaround! especially after all that time!

Walkingonairdays · Today 19:09

This is dreadful OP although I have to admit I can't imagine having an extremely close relationship with another man apart from my DH unless they made it known they weren't attracted to women. It didn't feel right when I was single either but from reading threads on this topic here I realise not all women feel the same. I hope everything works & you get the help you deserve in getting rid of this man in your life.

Angelic999 · Today 19:10

Illegally18 · Today 19:08

Gosh, what a strange turnaround! especially after all that time!

Nope. He was always wanting payback for his "kindness". The 'good friend' was an act, a way to get what he wanted.

Angelic999 · Today 19:12

Walkingonairdays · Today 19:09

This is dreadful OP although I have to admit I can't imagine having an extremely close relationship with another man apart from my DH unless they made it known they weren't attracted to women. It didn't feel right when I was single either but from reading threads on this topic here I realise not all women feel the same. I hope everything works & you get the help you deserve in getting rid of this man in your life.

Edited

Agree, if you're close friends with a heterosexual man and he's often going out of his way for you, be very wary.

Illegally18 · Today 19:17

Angelic999 · Today 19:10

Nope. He was always wanting payback for his "kindness". The 'good friend' was an act, a way to get what he wanted.

what, waiting for a payback for 23 years?

ConverselyAttired · Today 19:19

I'm sorry, OP. I am always wary. I keep male friends to work acquaintances or partners of my friends/friends of my husband. I'm not exactly a stunner but I learned to do this the hard way, pretty early on in my mid-late teens. He really did play a long game though - is he newly single?

Hereandthereupupthestairs · Today 19:24

Please stay away from this potential/intentional rapist.

Sgreenpy · Today 19:24

OP Im really sorry this has happened to you.
I also have a close male friend (in fact hes probably my best friend ).
We've been friends for 20 years id say and 'besties' for at least 10 of those.
I am married btw (for 25 years!), he is single (he's had more than one wife!). I'm close to his son and he is to mine. We've all been on holiday together- me, my husband, our son, him, his son and his sons girlfriend.
Theres never been a single moment of sexual attraction between us - people have tried to suggest it (for nefarious means in one case).
My friend stays over when my husband is in and stays over when my husband is away on business.
We go to the cinema/theatre/dinner together and we message almost every day - just like a best 'girlfriend'.
I'm in my 50s and he's in his 60s.
In fact I'd be lost without him.

Hereandthereupupthestairs · Today 19:26

This is a load of shit. I have several very close male friends. They have never even insinuated anything. They get on well with my husband and years ago THEY were the ones made sure scumbags were ruled/nowhere near me.

PloddingAlong21 · Today 19:38

In would absolutely log this for a record if it with your case worker for future protection.

safetyfreak · Today 19:52

Angelic999 · Today 19:05

He was never a nice guy. He was a guy playing nice to get what he wanted.

Lots of men do this for years, they get validation from being the white knight helping their damsel in distress. At some point they get resentful for doing favours and not getting sex anything back in return for all their 'good deeds'.

He most likely has always fancied you, but held back due to you being in a relationship, not wanting to harm the friendship...I wonder if someone in his life has made a dig at him about being friends with you and not ever making a move, and this has pushed him to lash out at you.

I am just speculating!

I do find it strange you have contacted his family, as they have nothing to do with you, you are not a couple.

Overworkedandknackered · Today 19:55

I would stay away from him and his family if I were you, this can’t be salvaged and even if it could you wouldn’t want to. He thought you’d be grateful or at least frightened enough that he’d get what he wanted, well he was wrong and now he probably feels like a tit. Well done you for kicking him out.

Daftapath · Today 20:00

I’m so sorry that this has happened to you op. Could you ask your dv worker to contact him and warn him about contacting your ex and that he would be in contempt of court if he does? If this is not something they can do, could they ask the police to have a ‘chat’ with him?

Walkingonairdays · Today 20:06

Sgreenpy · Today 19:24

OP Im really sorry this has happened to you.
I also have a close male friend (in fact hes probably my best friend ).
We've been friends for 20 years id say and 'besties' for at least 10 of those.
I am married btw (for 25 years!), he is single (he's had more than one wife!). I'm close to his son and he is to mine. We've all been on holiday together- me, my husband, our son, him, his son and his sons girlfriend.
Theres never been a single moment of sexual attraction between us - people have tried to suggest it (for nefarious means in one case).
My friend stays over when my husband is in and stays over when my husband is away on business.
We go to the cinema/theatre/dinner together and we message almost every day - just like a best 'girlfriend'.
I'm in my 50s and he's in his 60s.
In fact I'd be lost without him.

If it works for you I say each to their own. I'd never tolerate my husband having this type of relationship with another woman & it would be nothing to do with lack of trust. It would simply feel far too intrusive being so close to another member of the opposite sex. I know my husband would hate it too if it was me going about with another man so it's not within our marital boundaries. I do find it intriguing that there are quite a lot of posters here who are happy in this scenario but also many more who feel the Same as me. Interesting.

Dawnintheageofaquariams · Today 20:13

Man behaves like a man.
Not your circus OP, delete and move on.

LewKirtonHeavenInTheAfternoonNSOul · Today 20:22

allthingsinmoderation · Yesterday 14:23

This man is not your friend and he is dangerous ,the mask has slipped and he's shown you who he is, believe him.
Block ....

Most definitely A Predator to the max.
I'm thinking this a very dangerous individual.

He isn't a friend op.

kombuchabucha · Today 20:29

OP I was on edge ready your first post, terrified about how it had ended for you. I'm so glad you weren't hurt that night.

It's bad enough he behaved like that when drunk, but to follow it with all the lies to his family afterwards (and presumably he's done this whilst sober?) is despicable.

It's so sad that he's knocked your confidence/trust again after the ordeal you've been through with your ex.

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