Male friend behaviour

[LA1988]

I have been friends with this guy since I was 16. We are now both 39. He's my sons godfather. We have always got any really well. Last weekend I had my first child free night in months so planned on a hot bath, movie & early bedtime. He randomly turned up (which has never been an issue before) we ended up having a few drinks & just chatting about life in general (which is normal) then I said i was exhausted so was going to bed. He asked if it was ok to crash on the sofa because he had been drinking (again it was fine, we had both slept on each other's sofas over the years) as I went to leave the room to go upstairs he said "or i could sleep in your bed" (we have never shared a bed in all the years I have known him) I said "ok I will sleep down here if you want to sleep upstairs" again he made the suggestion we sleep together & I was firm & said no. He then said "maybe i will wait until your asleep then climb in next you, you wouldnt know whats happening because your asleep" his response for some reason made me doubt his presence. I said I would call his brother to pick him up if he wanted to go home & sleep in his own bed or call a taxi & he could pick his car up the next day. He gave me a smirk & said "oh I get it, thats fine you cock tease" then started shouting i had been leading him on for years. I asked him to leave immediately because he has never spoken to me like that in all the years we have known each other. As he was leaving he said "maybe you should think about all the things I have done for you over the years & that I owe him". I have tried talking to him about what happened last weekend. I have called & text but he has chosen not to speak to me but its put me on edge because its making me question myself, our friendship & if anything has happend when I have been asleep previously.

If you feel confused. Then his tactics have worked. This is the main symptom of Natcusistic abuse. Also these types love playing The LONG game so you now probably have months of The SILENT TREATMENT until you get flirty with him, then he'll go cold and start chasing someone else, even more confusing tactics. This can go on for years and years of not knowing where the he'll you stand. Good Luck !!!!!

That's awful. I've had a male friend for the same time length and ages. I'd be completely thrown if he came out with something like that. It would scare me. I'd also be upset at the loss of a friend (the person I thought he was) and questioning if he'd just been playing some long game the whole time.
Disgusting excuse for a man. There's no coming back from that, it was a veiled threat to SA you. Stay far away from him.

This man is dangerous. Very dangerous - he threatened to rape you.

For your safety, you cannot ever be in his presence again.

I really dont want to involve the police because I have only just finished dealing with them over the abuse with my ex. Its just shocked me because after all these years of knowing him I have never seen that side to him. He has gone distance when I have had partners in the past but I just assumed it was out of respect (some partners dont like you have male friends etc) it has certainly opened my eyes. I had trust issues after my ex but now have even more trust issues

I would contact the police if I were you, and tell them exactly what happened. Then, in the unlikely event that he or his mother reports you to social services (or he contacts your abusive ex), the police will already have your statement.

He's not finished with you OP. If you don't go to the police now you won't have it to back you up later.

What a dreadful experience……hope you’re okay now OP? 💐

I agree. @LA1988 I know you've just said you don't want to go to the police, but trust us, if this fucker, or his family make a welfare report to Children's Services, you having already reported this to the police will HELP you. Otherwise, they may well believe him over you.

This man is a predator, he's dangerous, you really do need to get this reported. Please.

I'm so sorry you've gone through that. What a horrible thing to happen to you and a massive betrayal. I hope you have some supportive people around you tonight and give yourself the space to grieve and recover. Sending hugs.

RUN

It's so strange that he's done this after so many years of being ok and a friend.
What do you think @LA1988 ? Has he had some MH issues over the years?

Sadly it's not time for that yet.

It's time to prepare for the rest of his "punishment" for her rejecting him.

To prepare for being discredited and punished.

Gather what evidence you can (e.g. print out any tracking app info you have incase he claims you've been stalking him etc)

Go silent on mutuals. Anything you say to mutuals, assume he has prepped them to think "she would say that", he has them primed.

Go to the police.

Scan your phone for any loose end connections such as old location shares you forgot to turn off. Take him off the pick up list at your children's school etc

He's a predator. They can lie in wait.

Personally I think she needs to give herself a bit of time first. She's just been through something very scary and traumatic and also lost a friend of 23 years. Of course, if he has access to her children, that needs addressing. I don't think he can discredit her to the people who love her. They won't believe his lies.

I would go to he police, if only to provide protection for yourself and your child if he or one of his friends/family gets social services involved. You and your child could be in big trouble otherwise if he does, and gets others to do the same. This was a threat to rape you, which is illegal.

So, for him, it was never just friendship.

I really think you should reconsider, he's already telling his own version of events which could be extremely damaging to you.

I'm sorry you went through this, how awful when it's someone you thought you knew/could trust.

Yeah so if you're right and I'm wrong, she delays taking a deep breath and picking herself up for a little while

If I'm right and you're wrong ......?

No they won't believe his lies if it was just his word against hers fair and square. But men like that know that. That's why there's a slow drip: little nuggets here and there discrediting her over the years so that now they don't even associate their tendancy to take her with a pinch of salt with anything he said or did.

Just read your update. This man is dangerous. He’s angry you rejected him and now he’s smearing your reputation to others. Classic narcissist behaviour. You definitely need to report to police in case he does take it that far. As for him, block him everywhere and no further contact with him. At all. Narcissists thrive off the drama and by cutting all contact you stop the drama. Yes he will tell everyone how horrible you are at first because that makes him the victim and gets him the attention from others that you didn’t give him. He also knows he’s upsetting you in the process. If you react and confirm this to him it will encourage him to continue. If he has no access to you and can’t see how he’s affecting you then eventually he will stop because he’s no longer getting anything from this. Tell nothing to his family or mutual friends because they will report back and feed his obsession. He needs to hear nothing back and not know how much he’s affecting you. Its hard but the only thing that stops it.

Wow. What did I just read? 😳

Are you still talking to this piece of sh-t? The one who jokes about raping you and thinks you owe him sex because he lend you his car once?

Mind boggles.

What a terrible experience.

I agree with PPs you should cut contact completely and immediately, including with his family and mutual acquaintances. Make sure he is not connected to your son on any devices or accounts.

Speak to Women’s Aid for advice on next steps and protecting yourself and your son.

Holy shit OP, this sent a chill down my spine. Sorry. Two of my closest friends are men, and I don't even want to imagine how betrayed and disgusted I'd feel if either of them did this to me.

I wouldn't pay too much mind to posters saying you shouldn't have called/texted - while this might be what would've happened in an ideal world, or if you were playing your cards in a perfectly strategic way, you're human, and this is a truly bizarre and disorientating situation. I don't blame you for wanting to reach out, even if I agree it's probably not going to be useful.

I know you wrote in your update that it's your first time seeing this side to him, but if you really think about it, was there any evidence of this type of behaviour towards others - previous partners, friends, family?

It won't be evidence that HE did anything

The "history" will be people the OP believed wronged HIM

Or maybe he always gave you the version of the story that made him look good - even if it was super manipulative and straight up lying - but now, in hindsight, there were some occasions on which you doubted him or things didn't quite line up?

Give her a break

He's had years to line his ducks up, shes on the back foot