Male friend behaviour

[LA1988]

I have been friends with this guy since I was 16. We are now both 39. He's my sons godfather. We have always got any really well. Last weekend I had my first child free night in months so planned on a hot bath, movie & early bedtime. He randomly turned up (which has never been an issue before) we ended up having a few drinks & just chatting about life in general (which is normal) then I said i was exhausted so was going to bed. He asked if it was ok to crash on the sofa because he had been drinking (again it was fine, we had both slept on each other's sofas over the years) as I went to leave the room to go upstairs he said "or i could sleep in your bed" (we have never shared a bed in all the years I have known him) I said "ok I will sleep down here if you want to sleep upstairs" again he made the suggestion we sleep together & I was firm & said no. He then said "maybe i will wait until your asleep then climb in next you, you wouldnt know whats happening because your asleep" his response for some reason made me doubt his presence. I said I would call his brother to pick him up if he wanted to go home & sleep in his own bed or call a taxi & he could pick his car up the next day. He gave me a smirk & said "oh I get it, thats fine you cock tease" then started shouting i had been leading him on for years. I asked him to leave immediately because he has never spoken to me like that in all the years we have known each other. As he was leaving he said "maybe you should think about all the things I have done for you over the years & that I owe him". I have tried talking to him about what happened last weekend. I have called & text but he has chosen not to speak to me but its put me on edge because its making me question myself, our friendship & if anything has happend when I have been asleep previously.

@Treetopssofee yes 100% agree - corrected myself in follow-up comment, but you beat me to it!

Every time someone posts on here that all men are bastards my thoughts are "no, they're really not, it's just your experience" then something like this gets posted and I edge closer to having to believe it. This guy has really shown his true colours hasn't he, and has then gone further to change the narrative to put you in as bas a light as possible. You must stop all contact with him, his family, his friends, everybody. What an utter, utter piece of shit.

He has literally timed this so that you have just finished dealing with the police and you are at your most vulnerable.

It might be good to chat with the same police team again, as your 'friend' has identified himself as a risk to you & your child - by saying he will contact your ex etc, he may put you in danger. He already has.

What a vile piece of work! You’re best off without him and as the Americans say “the trash has taken itself out”. You can grieve for the friendship you once had and the trust you put into him but first, the practical: report this to the police so that it’s on record should he contact SS or your ex. IME it’s often a threat used towards women as the damage can be devastating and it’s a means of keeping you in your place. Go neutral or non contact with any mutuals, again to minimise contact or access to him. Take his threats very seriously even if you can’t imagine he ever would. Even if he never does, the fact that he has threatened to rape you is a) fucking serious and b) fucking reprehensible. Contact women’s aid as pp suggested and put in ring cameras, extra locks where possible. I’m sorry this has happened to you and your child especially after your previous experience. Put the emotion aside for the moment and act with absolute ice cold clarity. You can deal with the emotion once you’re safe. Good luck

Exactly this ^

Hmm, not really. He was likely always getting something from the "friendship" - op mentioned he did favours for her, he likely enjoyed the 'white knight syndrome' - feeling important, a rescuer.

In hindsight the friendship has likely always been unequal. Think about it - why exactly would anybody want to do lots of favours for someone? It's usually nothing to do with the other person but to make themselves feel good, and in OPs case to get closer to her - to the point he felt comfortable enough to go round randomly and sit with her at night watching a film together, and to eventually expect a 'reward' - sex/relationship.

Men can do this for years, a lifetime. It's not uncommon. So if you have any 'nice guys' in your life, have a think about what their ulterior motives might be.

What a tosser. You’re well rid.
(Why so some men think ranting and raving and insulting women is a good tactic to get them into bed. Bonkers. Or male entitlement rearing its ugly head - again.)

Agree. He's been waiting on the side lines. Him mentioning the 'everything I've done for you' was likely him being there for op when her ex was abusive. The friend sees himself as the 'nice guy' white knight and come to claim his deserved prize.

When you didn't fall into your 'rescuers' arms per every Hollywood action film, he gets angry.

I think there's also an element of op being a vulnerable single mother having fled DV. Predators sniff out future victims. I wonder if op could do a Clares law on him?

Whoever mentioned manosphere above sounds right. He has some absolutely rotten thinking here and it's either always been there or he's bought into that world.

Has he been successful in relationships himself or has always been single and waiting I wonder? Awful.

Agree with pp re police though. Just cover yourself now as difficult as it is.

What an unhinged freak. Definitely never speak to him again and warn any other women he might be feigning platonic friendships with that he's just a rapist in waiting.

I get the outrage but don't do this

"Bad mouthing" him right now plays into his narrative and could harm the OP not him

She's not in a place of safety to do that

And anyway, the best thing she can do to warn other women he has lined up is to NOT act like the crazy lier he has set her up to appear as

I have spoken to my DV worker. She has said she can make a report for me so its on file. They dont necessarily have to go speak to him but it can be logged in case there is any back lash. I already have ring door bell & cctv out the back. Im more worried if he does contact my ex he will tell him where I live because the court order states hes not allowed to know our whereabouts. I dont want to go through having to move again. Its already been unsettling for me & my 2 children having to move away from our family & friends.

That's good OP well done

Do you have any footage of him leaving your home that night from your doorbell?

It might show that you weren't wailing at him to stay while he escaped your clutches

I have ring door bell footage of his brother picking him up & he was very quiet getting in the car but his brother asked if I was ok because he noticed i was shaking

What an utter bastard. I'm so sorry op. You did nothing wrong he has either been playing the long game or he's maybe got into manosphere shite and become more extreme in his behaviours over the last while and this is it coming to a head.

Either way those are his issues. You did nothing wrong and you don't deserve to be treated like this. I'd have nothing to do with him or the family going forward and I'd block him on everything.

Good, download that

So his brother knows that his version of events is a fiction - you were visibly shaking when he saw you, not ranting and raving and calling the shots.

I think the OP should write off appealing to his family or mutuals TBH. He's had their ear about this for longer.

The entitlement of men knows no bounds.

I hope you can just block him and move on

Stop calling and texting, block his number and be grateful he's not answering you, you had a lucky escape .

Trigger warning: SA
You should be proud of yourself for being firm on your boundaries.
I was unfortunately a naive 21 year old (15 years ago now) when I let a male friend sleep in the same bed as me after a night out. I woke up and he was inside me. I was too scared to do or say anything. The next day he told everyone (our “friendship” group) that I slept with him and no one believed my story so I just got called a slut. I wish I had gone to the police now but I felt it was my word against his. Some men feel that entitled.

If people don’t believe you it’s because they don’t want to believe that of their family/friend, and as sad as it is, they aren’t worth you worrying about.

I think it’s both. He’s only pretending to be your friend because he’s been waiting to pounce. But the language sounds like he’s been marinating in the manosphere.

I’ve seen A LOT of men say that they only befriend women that they fancy because they’re not interested in women that they don’t. Or that they can only be proper friends with women they don’t fancy - so those they do find attractive will always be prey for them. Because of the manosphere they think they’re entitled to any woman they may have been ‘nice’ to especially as they see themselves as different to the scumbags you may have dated previously. What they don’t see is that they’re just as scummy and maybe even worse because they’re wolves in sheep’s clothing.

That's weird and creepy. I wonder why now, after all these years ? Were there never signs in the past ? Mind you, I was friends with a guy for 30 years who just started to become more obnoxious as the years went on and not remotely like the nice man I'd known when young. I came to the conclusion that I'd had misplaced loyalty and that I'd probably turned a blind eye to earlier signs that he wasnt a very nice human being.

Is your DV worker a police officer? If so, were you specific with the threats he made about your ex, and did you mention the court order regarding this? I'd make sure this is all logged in great detail as he could get into serious trouble if he did tell your ex your address. I'm fairly sure it would be classed as contempt of court, as he has knowledge of the court order.

If she knows any other women who are 'friends' with him I'd say it would be sensible to tell them and see if he's done it to others.

Why shouldn't she tell the truth? Obviously if he's dangerous then she should involve the police first.