Clare's Law disclosure has left me shaken about a new relationship

[Croissantsocks]

Name changed for obvious reasons but I’ve been around for a long while.

I suppose I’m just looking for an anonymous handhold/solidarity as no one in real life I can talk to.
After a couple years of not dating at all and just having a great little life with my dd I met someone nice at a work conference, lives close to me. Handsome, funny, patient etc.
Huge tummy flips when I see him, great chemistry etc.
Anyway, he said something in conversation about an ex partner that kind of pricked up my ears, so I did a Clare’s Law request. Police called me within 24 hours and did the disclosure the next day (today).
It was so so upsetting, the poor woman all this stuff happened to. And there are incidents reported over 2/3 years so not something isolated (not that it would make it better).
He has no convictions because charges were dropped before it went to court on every occasion.

I had an abusive relationship years ago, and have rebuilt my life and confidence. I didn’t even want a serious partner, and never want to marry or for anyone to meet my dd (he hasn’t thank god)

I feel so dizzy and sick, and sad and disgusted at myself that these men are attracted to me, and me to them.

He has been perfection over the past few months, a perfect gent, kind and funny etc etc so I really would have had no idea if my spider senses didn’t start tingling a few days ago.

He’s working away today thankfully so I have space to process without texting or calls from him. I just feel frightened and confused.

sorry for the ramble

So glad you didn’t ignore the tiny signs and took absolutely the right action.
Please don’t feel ashamed - the shame is his, and his alone to carry.
Be proud of yourself for recognising something wasn’t right, for being strong enough to contact the police, and for deciding to end your relationship.
We are all proud of you!

I am so so glad you trusted your instincts. What a vindication of those spidey senses! Big sisterly squeeze to you, OP. Go gently on yourself for the next days and weeks - I think anyone on your situation would feel very wobbly indeed at the bullet dodged. 💐 ☕️ 🍰

You say some stupid things sometimes Vivienne and this takes the biscuit.

One thing I wanted to add OP is when you inform him (whatever is meant to be best method I don’t know) that it’s over, try and make sure you have a clear and full proof “reason” and end it cleanly, strongly as possible.

The reason I make this suggestion is because men like that can be very persistent, and even pop up a long time later, so convinced are they of their charms.

Luckily you did not introduce your child to him; you may have an unconscious suspicion. Luckily also it was only 3 months - but that may be enough for him to feel entitled to try and persuade you or keep contacting you.

Presumably the Police will help you, but also women’s aid may help you, with a plan. (The police may even suggest that if he doesn’t take no for an answer that you contact them again for them to take action against him, give him a warning etc; which may strengthen your position too. I doubt he would want to be on the Police’s radar again.

Well done for recognising and acting on this

The shocking thing here is that a man who could have killed his former partner and has numerous offenses to his name - and the police take the threat he poses so seriously that they have developed a safety plan for the OP - is out and about, living his best life, and isn't branded on the forehead or in jail as he should be.

Why is this dangerous man not behind bars?

I want to second that.

Well said.

Not sure what you might have already told him, but could you tell him you’re going to have to take on caring responsibilities for a family member? Or you’ve just been offered a position doing some kind of second job or volunteering?

I have nothing to offer you other than my absolute admiration for trusting yourself. These creatures don’t deserve air.
Sending you lots of love and positivity going forwards

OP you’ve done yourself an absolute solid here. You spotted the issue, acted on it and have saved you and your child so much hurt.

you should be immensely proud of yourself.

A quick note on “chemistry” - I mean this really gently but “instant chemistry” for you is a red flag.

@Croissantsocks I hope after this initial shock you are proud of yourself for being so intuitive that you did the check at all.

You’ve done nothing wrong.

Beause she was too terrified to testify and the CPS knew that they couldnt secure a conviction without it. I was the same. I was genuinely scared not only for my life but for my DD being left without her one stable parent.

You've done absolutely nothing wrong. If it was blatantly obvious from the start about these men, they wouldn't get away with the things that they do. They are good at what they do. And in doing all the things that you've done following your previous relationship, You've honed your instincts really well and that's led you to get the disclosure. He is scum but you've done everything right.

You should be proud of yourself. You saved yourself and your child. There are numerous men like him and you were unlucky, but you knew how to deal with him. I wish all women knew about Clare’s Law because he will move on.

The original Claire was actually Clare.

Clare is Clare Wood, a 36-year-old mother from Salford, Greater Manchester, who was tragically murdered by her ex-boyfriend, George Appleton, in 2009. Appleton, who had a known history of violence against women, strangled and set her on fire. Police kept this information from Clare due to privacy laws.

Following her death, her family successfully campaigned for "Clare's Law" (the Domestic Violence Disclosure Scheme), which gives people the legal right to ask police if their current or ex-partners have a history of domestic abuse. You can learn more about how the scheme operates through the Domestic Violence Disclosure Scheme overview or request information through the UK Government Domestic Abuse Services portal.

Well done you for activating a Clare's Law.

My stomach is doing a very anxious cartwheel just thinking about it.
Be strong @Croissantsocks. You did the right thing.
Seek support 💐

I am so very pleased for you and your kid that you listened to your intuition. Please take this as a sign of high emotional intelligence and not stupidity. You know these guys mask their true selves and lure you in with perfection. It wouldn’t be long until he was no longer able to do this and you or your child was hurt. I hope you remain safe.

Oh, absolutely, not forgetting the original Clare. If she could look down and see, I think she'd be so, so happy that this law exists and that it's really working to protect women. Her death was not in vain. R.I.P. Clare Wood.

OP, don't you dare feel that you carry any blame! He pretended to be someone he wasn't. How are you supposed to know that? You're not a mind reader. And when he dropped a clue, your ears pricked up and you took action, which is brilliant.

It's incumbent on others not to be arseholes. It's not our jobs to be on Arsehole Patrol. (Although we are, I know, for safety reasons.)

I'm glad you shared your experience because now I'll be wary of the Mr. Perfect act.

It seems so many men are all perfect at first, but it's so often just an act. I think, if I date again, I'll look for someone who doesn't put on a "show," if you know what I mean.

But that could be years and years on end, and by the time the children have grown up, you could be old and ill. You get one life, and time waits for no one. Also, it's very bad for people to be lonely. We should not have to wait until children are grown up to date because men are awful. They should not be awful!

If someone is fine not dating for years and years, that's one thing. But if you do want an adult relationship, it's not. Research shows that loneliness is as bad for you as smoking fifteen cigarettes a day. A good sex life is also good for your health.

The solution is not for women to be lonely for decades. The solution is for men to be better!

THIS, with bells on. Yes, well done OP!

Sorry to hear this, but thank goodness yo took notice of your gut feeling, it is there to keep you safe. Also, it is good that this law is in place or you could have found out about this person when it is too late and they have caused you harm. Take time to process this and look after yourself as you will be in a state of shock. 💐

No she did not bloody lie! What's wrong with you? The police have all the details of what he did and are sufficiently concerned to give OP a target-hardening plan. If she'd lied, the police would have no reason to do that and also would have had nothing to tell OP. There were some pretty bad injuries, ICYMI. Good God, some people.

It probably was dropped because she couldn't face testifying but knew that these reports were on the record for other women and that that was the important thing.

Yes, and one whose experience and injuries are documented by the police and is so bad that they've responded with a target-hardening programme for the OP!

But yeah, there's a huge possibility that the original victim was lying. 🙄

Do you know who I think is lying? That poster, claiming to be a woman awaiting court in a DV case. If that was true, no way would that PP jump to "Did she lie?" when there is a documented disclosure of all the details of what he did, from police.

But they might well be awaiting DV court - as the perpetrator. 😡

OP just to say please don’t feel embarrassed - it’s a sign of strength that you followed your instincts and they were spot on. Please remember, these men are masters in manipulation and they get better each time. If they weren’t any good at it, they wouldn’t get away with it. You’ve done yourself and your daughter proud.