Clare's Law disclosure has left me shaken about a new relationship

[Croissantsocks]

Name changed for obvious reasons but I’ve been around for a long while.

I suppose I’m just looking for an anonymous handhold/solidarity as no one in real life I can talk to.
After a couple years of not dating at all and just having a great little life with my dd I met someone nice at a work conference, lives close to me. Handsome, funny, patient etc.
Huge tummy flips when I see him, great chemistry etc.
Anyway, he said something in conversation about an ex partner that kind of pricked up my ears, so I did a Clare’s Law request. Police called me within 24 hours and did the disclosure the next day (today).
It was so so upsetting, the poor woman all this stuff happened to. And there are incidents reported over 2/3 years so not something isolated (not that it would make it better).
He has no convictions because charges were dropped before it went to court on every occasion.

I had an abusive relationship years ago, and have rebuilt my life and confidence. I didn’t even want a serious partner, and never want to marry or for anyone to meet my dd (he hasn’t thank god)

I feel so dizzy and sick, and sad and disgusted at myself that these men are attracted to me, and me to them.

He has been perfection over the past few months, a perfect gent, kind and funny etc etc so I really would have had no idea if my spider senses didn’t start tingling a few days ago.

He’s working away today thankfully so I have space to process without texting or calls from him. I just feel frightened and confused.

sorry for the ramble

Your dd has an incredible mum. Well done.

Nah, but @Viviennemary's right. If someone isn't charged and convicted, it didn't happen! 🤣

'Who made you feel fantastic." This makes me reflect. Ideally, we shouldn't "let" others make us feel fantastic. Bear with me! I think stable, healthy love is something that develops quietly and slowly over time, and isn't a big show. If they make you feel fantastic, very much better than usual, it's likely that you're being manipulated. I'm older and had an abusive marriage. I would be very wary of someone who was taking pains to make me feel fantastic. They should just be acting normal. Nice, of course, but not trying to create a Disneyland. I trust a low-key tone much more.

Another reflection is about OP's experience of the man describing a serious assault, but pretending that she did it to him instead of the other way round. I remember reading that often, when a woman calls the police because of an assault, the perp often tries to tell the police that she's the one who attacked him! Sometimes he creates injuries to shore up this tale. Yes, I know that men can be victims of DV too, but in the book or article that I was reading, they were talking about many cases where it had later been proven that the man crying wolf was, in fact, the perpetrator.

So it's fascinating to me that the OP's STBX did exactly that, pretend that he was the victim. It makes me wonder if he thought that she was going to find out about it and was making the pre-emptive strike of "But it was HER that beat ME up!" which is apparently a thing with many offenders. He probably doesn't even know about Clare's Law.

I'm so glad the police have all the real information about what happened to that poor woman. God bless her for making so many reports. And God bless poor Clare. 😢

Does anyone remember the cult Eighties film Poltergeist? The actress who played the older sister, named Dana in the film, was Dominique Dunne. She was murdered by her boyfriend, too, not long after the film was made. I remember her well in the film, and it was such a shock to find out what had happened to her.

Good on you for trusting your instincts, now break up with him with some bland, neutral excuse and then block the MF. Good riddance.

She literally said in the post you replied to that she would honour the requirement not to share.

It's shocking that he didn't receive a conviction for any of the incidents. So unfair to his victims.

Anyway I hope you can end things cleanly and move on.

Yeah, I don't understand why his shame is being kept secret. If a man is on the Clare's Law register, it should be public information and OP should be able to share his name, photo, and the details of what he did.

Instead, society keeps his secrets. Other women are clearly at risk from him, and they would only find out if they happened to do a Clare's Law request.

Maybe men would think twice about assaulting women if they knew that what they did would follow them around publicly forever. Such harsh measures are needed to stop the epidemic of VAWG.

But no, men's dirty little secrets are shielded from public view. Fucking male privilege. 😡

Well done op. If only other women had your instinct. I hope you manage to clean that shit off your shoe quickly.

OP, I really think it's worth consulting Women's Aid about the safest way to end this relationship. I know the police might have useful advice, but I would also consult WA in addition to that, and any other major DV charities. Make sure you tell them that you have a CL disclosure that's serious enough to give you a target-hardening plan. Make a solid plan that's well-thought-out in advance, in conjunction with expert advice, is what I would do. I would definitely change your locks, just in case he copied or took a spare key. There was a case of a young woman killed in Sussex, Shana Grice, because her ex had stolen a spare key and, sadly, she didn't get the locks changed. Anyway, I guess the police will advise on all that.

You've had a nasty shock, OP. It's just horrible to find out that someone isn't who you thought they were and that you came across someone like that. I hope that all the replies have reassured you that this is NOT in ANY WAY your fault. Be extra-kind to yourself. xxx 💐

Well done for listening to your instincts, OP. Must’ve been a terrible shock. Sounds like police have been supportive. Good luck with extracting yourself 💐

And well done for posting here. Which may save another woman’s life (or protect her and her child from harm) by reminding us all if we meet a new man:

• Listen to what he tells you
• Listen to your instinct
• Don’t introduce him to your DC
• If any concerns, ask for a disclosure

And Rest in Power, Clare Wood, and her wonderful dad, Michael Brown, who campaigned so hard to keep other people’s daughters safe ❤️

When I did a Claire's law they were actually not allowed to give me ANY details of an incident, I think I was told a year and the general manner of the incident but that's all so I'm rather surprised to read that someone's been told such detail

Please don't feel shame - tell people in real life, what you've done is amazing - how strong are you now? You sensed something was off and checked and not only protected yourself but also your daughter please be proud of yourself and how you dealt with this so far - he is the problem not you, men like this are so good at what they do that we need a new law and ways of policing to deal with them - if they were easy to spot then this wouldn't be the case so please don't beat yourself up about choosing another bastard - that's on them not you x

There's some leeway. They're supposed to disclose what they feel is relevant to keep someone safe.

Just wanted to echo the comments here that you should feel SO proud of yourself, OP. You have listened to your instincts and acted swiftly to protect yourself and your daughter. You’re brilliant 💐

This is exactly what Clare’s law is for, and I’m pleased to see that the police have been helpful.

If you haven’t already, I would have a look on your council website and see who your local domestic abuse service is (usually advice on here is to contact Women’s Aid but in lots of areas it’s a different agency). They would happily safety plan with you- you don’t have to have experienced an incident of abuse given his history.

Glad the police are target hardening but if it’s helpful to plan through what could happen when you end it, do call them. They’ll know that abusive men don’t always take it well when there is a loss of control. Prepare for pleading and possibly aggression if that doesn’t work

I don’t think it’s make privilege. I do get the anger, but what you are advocating would be a dangerous precedent for a person who was not convicted of a crime. It would also take choice away from the victim who would also be exposed by that. That’s why Clare’s Law is great, as it is bridging the gap between what would not be ok to put into the public domain but is necessary for that individual to know.

I did the freedom program and did all the ‘right’ healing, so I just feel totally floored that I’ve chosen one again

Don't blame yourself for this. There are so many abusive men out there that even picking at random probably has fair odds of them having been abusive. And they are so good at presenting as kind and loving that anyone would be taken in by them. And he chose you just as much as you chose him.

You've done the right thing by checking him out, be proud of yourself!

Yes agree.

I think male troll is more likely than female victim because that poster called women "abusive c*" (without the asterisks - I know we can swear on MN but women are not c**) which got deleted. Using that kind of aggression on a thread about DV is just disgraceful.

About 10 years ago I left my abusive exP and stayed in a refuge; from my personal experience & seeing other women living there, I’d say majority of perps do not receive a conviction.

One of the most idiotic comments I’ve read on here.

Some stats (UK):

1 in 5 DV incidents are reported to police

Only 6% of all known incidents result in a prosecution

And the sentence can range from a custodial sentence to a community order

A searchable public register of offences would be great

Worryingly, afaik and please do correct me if I'm wrong about this, it doesn't show on a DBS unless there's a conviction so the perpetrators can still get clearance!

The vast vast majority of these men are still a risk to women and kids and walk free

1 in 5 DV incidents are reported to police
I think realistically this number is way higher.
From safelives.org.uk: “On average victims experience 50 incidents of abuse before getting effective help”. So-called ‘effective help’ is usually only triggered after police involvement.

Only 6% of all known incidents result in a prosecution
Sounds about right, sadly. And again, this figure is only for known incidents.

So according to the ONS it's quite difficult as police code incidents differently and they do highlight on their website that comparisons between datasets shouldn't be drawn because of the variation.

But the general stat was just that most incidents don't result in a report to police and when they do, most of those won't result in progress to court for a variety of reasons

*Also there's a good flow chart on the ONS of how victim-survivors might access non-police support and then later come to be known by police via onward referral

Note if the other poster (you know who you are) is still reading (doubt it): none of this means victims are lying.😒

Well done, OP! I'm genuinely happy for you and how you didn't miss the warning signs and made the right move!