Clare's Law disclosure has left me shaken about a new relationship

[Croissantsocks]

Name changed for obvious reasons but I’ve been around for a long while.

I suppose I’m just looking for an anonymous handhold/solidarity as no one in real life I can talk to.
After a couple years of not dating at all and just having a great little life with my dd I met someone nice at a work conference, lives close to me. Handsome, funny, patient etc.
Huge tummy flips when I see him, great chemistry etc.
Anyway, he said something in conversation about an ex partner that kind of pricked up my ears, so I did a Clare’s Law request. Police called me within 24 hours and did the disclosure the next day (today).
It was so so upsetting, the poor woman all this stuff happened to. And there are incidents reported over 2/3 years so not something isolated (not that it would make it better).
He has no convictions because charges were dropped before it went to court on every occasion.

I had an abusive relationship years ago, and have rebuilt my life and confidence. I didn’t even want a serious partner, and never want to marry or for anyone to meet my dd (he hasn’t thank god)

I feel so dizzy and sick, and sad and disgusted at myself that these men are attracted to me, and me to them.

He has been perfection over the past few months, a perfect gent, kind and funny etc etc so I really would have had no idea if my spider senses didn’t start tingling a few days ago.

He’s working away today thankfully so I have space to process without texting or calls from him. I just feel frightened and confused.

sorry for the ramble

Well done, and I'm sorry.

You did the right thing, as now you will be sure of that. I ignored the comments about the crazy ex, I endured 3 years of horrific abuse before reaching out to that Ex and doing a Claire's law. It was horrific and I will always feel shame that I didn't act on my instincts.

They're perfect and charming in the beginning, But a leopard doesn't change their spots.

Drop the shame thing! It’s not your fault so many men are abusive!

The Freedom Program etc are good in their way, but it’s very unfortunate if an idea gets about that abusers abuse their victims because there is something wrong with the victims.

Building your self-esteem and survival skills is all great, but let’s stick the shame to the abusers where it belongs.

There isn’t anything wrong with you at all. Such a high percentage of men are abusive so most of us will cross paths with one romantically in a lifetime! The difference is that you took action and have now saved you and your daughter from harm!

One whiff of someone having a history of violence let alone enough for them to be flagged up under Clare's law should be enough for any woman to run as fast as her legs can carry her. Nothing else matters.

Neither was my ex who beat me to a pulp several times and tried to strangle me. There wasnt enough evidence for the CPS to go ahead and I was (at the time) too scared to stand up and speak against him.

The police knew what he did, there was no doubt, but without my witness statement, they couldnt prosecute. Doesnt mean it didnt happen.

ETA I am glad you dont get it, and I genuinely hope that you never do.

You don't go on Claire's law for no reason.

He has had involvement with the police to a degree that they feel concerned about any future relationships this man will have.

Don't be so bloody stupid.

I just wanted to say well done for following up on your instinct and asking for information on the man via Clare's law. I admire your strength. I wish you well. Stay safe 💐

I'm so sorry that this happened to you.

The whole process is traumatizing and I hope you are healing.

Hideous for you, but what foresight you’ve showed to trust your gut and use what was available.

Such a good example of why Clare’s Law was needed. I really hope it’s used by every woman who comes into his radar, and that every time this is the outcome.

Sorry this has happened @Croissantsocks but you've clearly learned a lot of you wouldn't have thought to make the request. Don't be hard on yourself.

I'm curious about what shows up. If I'd spoken to police with concerns and they'd given a warning but no arrests or record, would that show up ? There was some court ordered safeguarding stuff too. My ex, I don't think, wasn't in that league of physical violence but he was very abusive in other ways.

Me too, very sorry you went through this, what a horrific ordeal. I hope you're doing ok now.

I hope too @Viviennemary understands it now.

Not everything will end up with a prosecution or a charge, and other posters have mentioned why this can happen with intimate partner violence in particular.

However, Clare’s Law enables women to find out relevant information before they find themselves in a very dangerous situation. It’s up to you what you do with the information. If you were told that your partner had been accused numerous times of violence, perhaps that the police had attended various incidents, but you decide that no charges or prosecutions = no problem, then that’s your prerogative.

I was just confused. Does a person need to be charged with something for it to be disclosed. Or reported but not charged. But not worth the risk.

Generally yes, Anything the police feel fit to share will be shared.

My ex wasn't charged or even cautioned with the previous ex, But it was still on there, They just couldn't do anything with it at the time as she was so scared of him.

He's been charged now for his abuse of her and myself and another woman. So that will also show.

I realise you must still feel quite raw from this. But eventually I hope you'll be able to take a moment and see how really proud of yourself you should be. You trusted your instincts and have not only protected your own future but also your daughter's. Well done. 🌸

And thank god for Clare's Law.

This, in spades. You should be proud of yourself for sniffing out this nasty piece of shit before it was too late. 💐

Clearly not.
The police do have records of domestic violence. Just because a conviction wasn't secured (for various reasons) it doesn't mean it didn't happen.

I think this shows how much you have grown, learnt and healed from the last time. It’s not about attracting the same type of people, it’s about this time you have listened to your gut and taken action very quickly which sounds like the opposite to the first time. You should look at the positive of this in that you are so much stronger than the past to back and believe in yourself and question things that aren’t quite right. And now you can take action!

No OP you've made massive progress. You spotted the red flag, checked him out and now will be ending it. That's huge. Well done

Take care x

That's so scary. Wow what a psycho.

I totally agree with this.

The reason these records are kept is because it builds a record. I wasnt brave enough to stand up to my ex at the time but if another woman reports him and sees it through, there is a clear pattern of behaviour on file.

If the police think that this information merits sharing on the disclosure then it will be.

Look at it another way. Imagine the closest young woman you have to you, a DD, niece, sister etc made an application and they DIDNT tell her that her BF had been reported several times for violence against a former partner/s but never charged as she was too scared to see it through. And then he kills her. Would you be thinking "Well he was never convicted so......" or would you think (as Clare Wood's family did) that she had a right to this information before deciding to start or continue a relationship with her murderer?

As others have said, well done you! I hope you find a way to take steps back and move away from him safely.
Im sure that the family who campaigned for this law will be so proud that you thought to use it. Good luck op x

OP you have done everything right. The only person who should be feeling shame is him. You have recovered from another awful relationship, healed, rebuilt stronger and listened to your instincts to keep you and your child safe. You should be proud. We don’t know you but we feel proud of you!
This is a great thread where so many people are agreeing and sending strength.
Well done for creating a great life for you and your child. Enjoy it and please hold your head up high. You are wise. 💐💪

Youve done well. You heard something, you checked and you recognise it for the danger it is.

Tell ALL your loved ones whats going on.

If it were me id end it without saying what youve learnt.

Goodluck OP