Clare's Law disclosure has left me shaken about a new relationship

[Croissantsocks]

Name changed for obvious reasons but I’ve been around for a long while.

I suppose I’m just looking for an anonymous handhold/solidarity as no one in real life I can talk to.
After a couple years of not dating at all and just having a great little life with my dd I met someone nice at a work conference, lives close to me. Handsome, funny, patient etc.
Huge tummy flips when I see him, great chemistry etc.
Anyway, he said something in conversation about an ex partner that kind of pricked up my ears, so I did a Clare’s Law request. Police called me within 24 hours and did the disclosure the next day (today).
It was so so upsetting, the poor woman all this stuff happened to. And there are incidents reported over 2/3 years so not something isolated (not that it would make it better).
He has no convictions because charges were dropped before it went to court on every occasion.

I had an abusive relationship years ago, and have rebuilt my life and confidence. I didn’t even want a serious partner, and never want to marry or for anyone to meet my dd (he hasn’t thank god)

I feel so dizzy and sick, and sad and disgusted at myself that these men are attracted to me, and me to them.

He has been perfection over the past few months, a perfect gent, kind and funny etc etc so I really would have had no idea if my spider senses didn’t start tingling a few days ago.

He’s working away today thankfully so I have space to process without texting or calls from him. I just feel frightened and confused.

sorry for the ramble

I didn't actually know who Clare was.

Very powerful story and a huge thanks to her Father who fought for the law

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Clare%27s_Law

Big hugs, it's hard saying goodbye when you know you will get hurt in the process, but say goodbye you must.

I don't know what happened, but please don't break up in a private place. Make sure you are safe. Have a friend sit waiting for you wherever you do it so you are not alone.

It's awful how we have to plan for the worst, but that is the world we live in.

Take care x

Hi @Croissantsocks i just wanted to also say how brave and incredible you are. None of this is on you - please don't feel guilty, feel proud that you have set up a good life and that you're protecting it.
I am sorry that this has happened but it's bad luck, it's not you.
Please let us know you're safe and have extricated yourself xx

As much as a shock as it is, well done for listening to your gut. And just for the record you 'didn't chose one again', you went into a new relationship as we are supposed to, open to possibilities and trusting what they say. It's not your fault at all, you did nothing wrong imo. He is the arsehole in this situation.

Take good care and hope all goes smoothly going forward.

Once again so grateful for Clare’s Law.
Always feel emotional when another woman is protected from harm by her Law.

Hi op please don’t feel stupid he’s a liar who hides his true colours. Op you were brave getting the police involved you protected your dd from day 1 it’s good your dd is not involved which is a positive. Op it could have been much worse so look at that rather than the negative. The police were not able to prosecute him but this report could help others who get involved with him before he hurts them. so you’re far from stupid. I hope you find yourself a decent bloke one day but always do your checks. I hope other women reading this post do this going forward. I know a few women who would not even think about it. Maybe mumsnet should do an article on it for others to see as a lot of us are aware of it but might not think of requesting it.

Wow so glad you have got this information and you followed a gut feeling we just know when something is off and how good it is that this service can help you to safely distance yourself and your daughter from this person.
Good luck with you're future you will get past this x

Hi again @Croissantsocks - ive just read more of your posts and your earlier ones and it does seem to me like your programme did work. You have not only spotted a hole in his story, you've acted on it, you're extracting yourself from the relationship rather than think he may have changed and he's not met your daughter. These men are clever manipulators so to spot it before any major behaviour signs is all credit to you. i think you should be really proud ❤️

It kind of puts it into a bit more context. I wish people would stop policing other posters' threads.

It’s really sad that you put yourself down in your first post, OP. You have good instincts and you can now keep you and your daughter safe.

You haven't 'chosen one again'.

Statistically there are a fair number of bad men out there and a disproportionate number are likely to be single at anyone time as a result of their behaviours and as result of more good guys getting married and staying married.

You got unlucky and you Claire's lawed him early before introducing him to your DD, and now you are being decisive and leaving him and allowing the police to support you in this. So you did everything right.

This is not your fault.

But you picked up on the inconsistency straightaway. Would you have done that before the Freedom Programme?
You really have nothing to admonish yourself for. You have done all the right things including making sure that your daughter didn't meet him.
I'm sorry you are going through this experience but none of it is your fault.
Be careful how you end it, perhaps take the police advice. Good luck!

I hope that Clare Wood's family know just how many women their campaign has saved. Her life was cut tragically short, but it has meant so much to so many women who could have suffered the same fate. She has left an incredible legacy. RIP.

But you didnt choose an abuser. You chose a loving kind sexy fun man who made you feel fantastic, no woman knowingly chooses someone she knows to be a violent maniac, Because when we meet them, they are not violent maniacs, no woman would give them the time of day if they were. Ask me how I know.

You did absolutely everything right, you have nothing to reproach yourself for.

You are told not to share, mostly because of the risk of retaliation against you, really please don’t

Well done OP! Instincts and gut feelings exist for this reason, they can potentially protect you from harm. Similar happened to me last year, horrible Clares Law disclosure, its a sickening feeling and I still feel I had a lucky escape.
Tread carefully in the coming weeks, I ended up with a stalking situation as he wouldnt accept that it was over. Mumsnet was a godsend, I had so much support and advice, and it helped keep me sane! I haven't read the full thread yet, but im probably echoing everyone else's advise to get cameras, double down on home security, etc. Best of luck

Fucking terrifying. I really hope the police help you extract yourself safely, as you have to do this.

Hi,

Wow you've been really brave and courageous dealing with all of this. I just had one thing I wanted you to know from this post and that is, that it is NOT YOUR SHAME to carry. You have done nothing wrong. It is the man who committed these horrendous violent offences that should be feeling shame NOT YOU!

Love xx

Don't feel too down on yourself OP, despite his best efforts to deceive you, your intuition picked up on tiny micro signals and inconstancies and alerted you, and now you're trusting yourself enough to act on that.

Not your fault. There are lots of cunts out there

Of course it matters. He hasn't been charged or been found guilty. I don't get it, Sorry.

It was a bit extreme but I can guarantee this man will not leave her alone
he will try and charm and love bomb
pathetic as it is having to pander to his ego, he has to believe he is benefitting

But you spotted the red flag and took action. The work you've done has been a huge success. Well done.

Good point.

Op, focus on this. If you worked with Women’s Aud you should know that all abusers are charming, that’s how they get away with it. That doesn’t mean all charming men are abusive but kiddos to you for listening to YOURSELF.

You are “cured”, trust me.

But you're not attracted to abusive men. You have just fallen for a man who hid his true self for a while.