How can I discuss sexual compatibility and therapy with my wife?

[Quaver213]

Hi all, prefacing because this is mumsnet, I’m a male but hoping to get some relationship advice.

My wife and I are our first and only sexual partners. We’ve been together since our late teens and 20 years later (12 years married) together still and still, relatively happy (I guess).

However, there is a problem. More a problem on my end. I find our sex life boring and unadventurous. I have verbalised this (more politely though) and tried to spice things up a bit but i feel she is just a bit more vanilla/sex isn’t that important to her.

Whilst I have felt this way for a while, gradually growing, I will say some physiological changes in me are contributing. I’ve hit the gym (in my late 30s) like never before, lost a tonne of weight, gained a lot of muscle and my testosterone and sex drive have gone up massively.

I wanted to get some advice on constructive ways to engage in this topic with my partner. Has anyone tried sex and relationship therapy for example and would you recommend? Any advice?

Or, is the difficult thing I am potentially hiding from, that we are just not sexually compatible anymore (or never was).

If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck…

but in truth, I’ve read many posts on here in which the woman says, “I’m exhausted and the kids keep me up all night and my husband does no housework and I found flirty messages on my husbands phone,” and then commenters hound her for neglecting her marriage. So, in fact, yes, women are often blamed for the lack of sex in their marriage here on Mumsnet. It’s refreshing to see a different response.

Like most things in life, you get out what you put in. Start figuring out where you can give more, and see if that helps.

Jesus I really dont know why any man would try to get relationship advice on this site. The bitter and twisted amongst us seem to come out in force and rip him to shreds.
Don't bother @Quaver213, mn isn't the place a man can go to for anything. There's too many women out for male blood here and they've got fuck all else to do than pour their anger out all over any man that dares show his vulnerability on here.

What do you mean by ''more adventurous'' and ''spicier''?

Have you been watching too much porn lately?

Why do so many men think these days that they are missing out and have ''boring'' sex life if they are not doing what they see online?

Porn is not real sex and your partner is not ''boring'' for not being interested in whatever you see as ''adventurous''.

You would have a point if you were saying you miss intimacy with your wife but all you seem to focus on is your fantasies.

Maybe if your wife was not knackered looking after young kids, a home and I assume working, she might be more interested in sex.

Or maybe as other as said, she is not into it much because it is not satisfying for her. What are you doing to seduce her and make her feel good about herself? because pestering her about wanting a more adventurous sex life will just end up being a complete turn off for her

But he is not asking about relationship advice. He is asking about how to get his sexual expectations met with little regards for his partner. That is very different.

Asking strangers how to get your wife to fuck you more is now 'showing vulnerability'?

😂

Yep, 2 replies confirming exactly what I meant.
Go elsewhere @Quaver213

Men get great advice on here. They ask what women actually want. Actual women tell them specifically and in detail. Men don’t like it, ‘No no, not that kind of advice where I actually have to be a decent, engaged, partner. I want the sort of advice where I can slip the wife a pill to make her appreciate my big muscles and act like a porn star, or get permission to shag the hot 20 year old at the gym’. That’s what you really want, isn’t it?

He’s asking what he needs to do. We’re telling him. What’s wrong with that? What do you want us to say? Wear a leather thong and put on some fake tan? Buy a Ferrari? Spend more time at the gym? We all know that none of that will work. We do know what will.

This.

The OP is getting feedback from a variety of women yet because the advice is not ''of course your partner should act like a porn star, worship your newly improved body and have sex with you whenever you feel like it and fulfil all your fantasies, even if she does not share them.' women on this thread are dismissed as ''bitter'' and ''men haters''.

Most women want a supportive partner who pulls his weight at home, is able to have an emotional connection with them, and not just see them as a sex object, and don't want sex to look like a porn video. It really is not that revolutionary or hard to understand...

@dairydebriswould
you say that to a woman asking the same questions?

Men and women are different so of course the advice is different. Even the government and think tanks accept that women have a crappier deal with gender pay gaps and that women spend more hours a week doing housework or that women have worse future financial outcomes such as pensions or in divorce. Where are you been to not notice this?

I find our sex life boring and unadventurous. I have verbalised this (more politely though) and tried to spice things up a bit but i feel she is just a bit more vanilla/sex isn’t that important to her.
What have you verbalised?
What “adventurous” things are you hoping for?
How have you “tried to spice things up a bit”?
You say you “feel” she’s more vanilla or isn’t interested in sex, which implies you’re guessing. What has she actually said when you’ve tried to talk about this?

Would you actually want her to do the things you want in bed just to keep you happy, when you know she doesn’t want to and wouldn’t enjoy it? What kind of man would be able to get off knowing his wife isn’t comfortable with what’s happening? Is that the kind of man you want to be?

In your 2025 thread you mentioned being short-tempered and easily frustrated, and said your wife responded to you sharing that you’d been having difficult thoughts again by saying “go see a doctor”, but you didn’t want to.
Have you ever sought professional help for your mental health? If you haven’t, I can’t imagine expressing a sudden desire to engage in therapy now, because you want something from her, is going to go down particularly well. If she’s tried to support you/picked up the slack during depressive episodes repeatedly throughout your relationship, especially as you’ve mentioned her being the only person who knows about your childhood trauma, she might have developed some compassion fatigue.

If that sounds possible, instead of blaming your imaginary “increased testosterone” for trying to convince her to act out whatever it is you’ve seen in porn, you’d do better to try prioritising her emotional and physical well-being, focusing on her pleasure instead of your own in the bedroom, and showing her how much you care about and appreciate her. Those things would have a bigger positive impact on your relationship than pestering until she gives in and does what you want (or gives up and leaves you).

So the first post sets the tone.
"You must be crap in bed"

When a woman posts here saying her partner isn't interested in sex now and asks what can she do to try to put a spark back, has she ever been told " well you must be crap in bed then"....straightaway!!!

No, she gets decent advice, isn't accused of only being interested in what she wants etc etc, like @Quaver213 has been told.

There's always a pile on here if a man dares to post anything about sex or how to have a better relationship with his partner. It just makes us women look like bitter arseholes.

😂😂😂

@quaver123 has had a mountain of great advice here. Instead of trying to pick holes in everything, read and understand what we are saying and ask yourself why the advice is consistent and almost universal. Think about why women are giving their free time to share their lived experience in order to try and help. Go and read the OP’s previous posts. He freely admits he’s a poor father with significant mental health problems. This is advice that you don’t want to hear. It doesn’t make it less valuable.

Also wondering the same !

If on app, on the section home page, hit the magnifying glass symbol next to ‘Mumsnet’ at the top of screen and then the filter button and you can search by username

Hilarious.
Try saying that to a woman asking for advice.