How can I discuss sexual compatibility and therapy with my wife?

[Quaver213]

Hi all, prefacing because this is mumsnet, I’m a male but hoping to get some relationship advice.

My wife and I are our first and only sexual partners. We’ve been together since our late teens and 20 years later (12 years married) together still and still, relatively happy (I guess).

However, there is a problem. More a problem on my end. I find our sex life boring and unadventurous. I have verbalised this (more politely though) and tried to spice things up a bit but i feel she is just a bit more vanilla/sex isn’t that important to her.

Whilst I have felt this way for a while, gradually growing, I will say some physiological changes in me are contributing. I’ve hit the gym (in my late 30s) like never before, lost a tonne of weight, gained a lot of muscle and my testosterone and sex drive have gone up massively.

I wanted to get some advice on constructive ways to engage in this topic with my partner. Has anyone tried sex and relationship therapy for example and would you recommend? Any advice?

Or, is the difficult thing I am potentially hiding from, that we are just not sexually compatible anymore (or never was).

Why do men always come on MN about sex?

Because that's all they give a shit about. It doesn't seem to register that their wife is completely shattered from looking after little kids all day and doing everything around the house. All they care about is how much they're getting, not realising that the more pressure they put on their wife for sex, the less they're likely to get. If they stopped thinking with their cocks for 2 seconds they maybe wouldn't give their wife another chore to add to the never ending list

I'll give you a clue:
"I have verbalised this (more politely though) and tried to spice things up a bit but i feel she is just a bit more vanilla/sex isn’t that important to her"
HTH

OP you cannot fix your marriage through sex. Your wife is less likely to want to be physically intimate with you when there is little to no emotional intimacy. You really need to work on building a fully committed, strong connection and then sex will follow.

Also you need to accept that you may just have different sex drives and neither is right or wrong.

Your wife has been supporting you through depression and mental health which, whilst not your fault, will have added to her care burden. How are you feeling these days as I note you posted just a few months ago about your mental health not being good.

You’re not entitled to more sex - or different sex - than the woman you are with wants to have. That’s the bottom line. You’re not entitled to any more access to her body than she wants to give you. Nothing is going to change that fact. Not even therapy.

While you’ve been doing all this admirable work on yourself, hitting the gym, improving your health - what has your wife been doing? Does she have the same opportunities to do things purely for her own edification?

You are a middle aged couple with young children. A flagging sex life is so common it is absolutely cliche. Almost all of us go through it.

Your wife is almost certainly exhausted. If you want a better sex life, start there.

I thought exactly the same!!

I fancy a bag of quavers now. Used to have them quite a lot when I was younger but don't often bother these days.

Previous posts reveal his MH issues, suicidal ideation, dw advices GP, OP does not go. OP admits is a crap parent, short tempered, checks out, at least one child likely SN and dw also works.

Mate - sort out your MH issues. Be a decent partner and father. Be a proper partnership. And keep that all up for a year or two. Then you can start to think about how to improve your sex life.

Have you been getting ideas about “spicier” sex from watching porn? If so, cut that out.

A healthy sex life is predicated on mutual enjoyment of sensual touch, reciprocal giving & receiving of pleasure, and a healthy emotional intimacy.

If you can fix all that, then it’s highly likely your sex life won’t feel “vanilla” and in need of spicing up.

Bloody hell, i actually blinked twice and said ouch out loud 😂

I’ve hit the gym (in my late 30s) like never before, lost a tonne of weight, gained a lot of muscle and my testosterone and sex drive have gone up massively.
Steroids?

My 1st thought was steroids.

I wouldn’t find an overweight partner attractive so maybe that is why she wasn’t more interested in you in the past. You didn’t prioritise your health or looking good for her or you before, but now you have lost this tonne of weight, you expect her to suddenly be interested. Ick.

I just saw your post history.
Has your mental health improved? And has your relationship with your wife improved?
If not then there's no real chance of the bedroom becoming better or more adventurous etc, it's just not the kind of environment that is conducive to that kind of sex life.

I have no idea what you've been up to in 2025, @Quaver213, but you appear very self absorbed

Try 6 months of giving to your wife, lifting her load, being kind and thoughtful .....see where that gets you

Alternatively your wife may find muscley testosterone filled you rather yuk making

Another bloke wondering how to get his wife to fuck him more 💁

@Quaver213 do more round the house with your new muscles?

This is the most likely reason, coupled with you probably do fuck all around the house and she’s exhausted from being your fulltime maid and nanny.

Grow up, dude, if she’s not that into you, ask yourself why.

Bring back cheese flavoured Snaps is what I say. Much better than Quavers!

Wow your brave.

Firstly stop talking to your gym bros. You are just as vanilla as she is you are both your firsts. (Unless your ideas of adventurous is porn on the internet) thats not realistic and i would hazard a guess the girls are not enjoying it. How do you know she isn't thinking the same as you, but is being polite 😆.

Stop talking to strangers on the internet and gym bros who are probably jealous you have such a pure relationship. Cause let me tell you. Men don't settle down with women they have good sex with. They mostly go to a side piece. I wish this wasn't true. And hopefully your not one of them. Because again. How do you have a comparison 🤔 im suspicious that you maybe your wife's first. But not yours

Some people (male or female) only like vanilla sex. It must be incredibly boring for their partners, (I’d be bored stiff) but unless you can discuss trying to expand stuff, then I guess it’s either put up with it, or move life on with someone else. 🤷‍♀️

Couple therapy first maybe?

Nobody cares that you go to the gym - not even your wife. If she’s sitting at home with the kids for 2 hours a night while you’re honing your muscles and libido she’s not going to find that attractive in any way. Are you a present partner? Do you share the mental load - scheduling the kids dental appointments, buying family birthday gifts, doing the weekly shop without her needing to write a list for you - that sort of thing? Do you do your fair share of of housework and cooking so she’s not knackered all the time? Women don’t want a gym bro. It’s great you have a nice body and that, but we’d really rather have someone who didn’t make us feel like your mother.

Some excellent responses here. I too suggest taking a look at what you offer to your wife in terms of practical support and help and lessening her mental load.
Long term relationships are about working with each other.

Typical MN, must be the man’s fault.
A woman posting this would never be asked what does she offer her DH, does she do enough housework.

I agree with the others saying your wife is probably exhausted from carrying everything, feels unsupported, unseen, and may well have loss respect for you, let alone any desire.

You sound fundamentally self-centred.

I'm glad you're feeling good about yourself.

Now you need to seriously work on being a good husband, partner and father.

Think about what that actually means. I'll give you a clue: it's not just bringing home a pay cheque and being physically present.

Editted for SPAG