I need some gentle advice for this situation with bf

[cosmickittycat]

Disclaimer: I posted this on Reddit but just got a lot of criticism and condescension and pretty much just called stupid.

I was abroad for a week in my (31F) bf’s (32M) home city for our 1 year anniversary. I met his family and some close friends for the first time while there.

Background: shortly after we got together, he told me about a woman (F early 30s) he used to work with who he was in love with, but it was unrequited (supposedly). But they stayed friends. She was supposed to come visit him that summer but changed her mind after he told her about me, and he said he felt “played” by this, like she was keeping him as a backup. And when I asked then if he was still in love with her, he didn’t say no. They apparently last spoke over text in October.

Now . She saw me and him together in a social media post his friend, who we saw while abroad, posted. She messaged him on Saturday and he said replying to her wasn’t a priority but then replied minutes later anyway. And apparently they were still messaging on Sunday — our 1 year anniversary — because he was showing me a different message and I saw their message thread. The last from him was “thank you” and a kiss emoji. He says it was in response to her saying she is happy for him that he’s with me.

I don’t know what to think about it. Am I being unreasonable for being upset that it happened at all, but on our anniversary of all days? And for still being upset now? I didn’t want to ruin the holiday but we’re heading back today and I can’t stop thinking about him and her.

An odd message I wouldn’t worry about. However, if the interaction is continuous, then I’d be more concerned.

Have the messages stopped now, or is a conversation still being had? Is he prioritising his phone over you?

I would ask him again if he is in love with her. Gauge his response based on last time. I would not carry on with her as his potential backup

I think it’s stopped now, but he was messaging her while we were supposed to be celebrating our anniversary at a private spa.

Just no. He cuts contact or you leave.

When I asked him last summer and he didn’t say no but he said he cared about her and wanted her to be happy, that he tried to make her happy in direct and indirect ways, that he wants her in his life but not at his side. We were still quite new then so I didn’t feel I had the right to say anything, and then there was no contact between them for a long while anyway, but what has happened now just makes me very uncomfortable and upset

I'd say that it does sound like he has 'what could have been' feelings for her but that doesn't mean he realistically wants to be with her instead of you. If the messages have now stopped, I'd try to get over it. I'd ask him to stop messaging her as you feel it's inappropriate but if he is fine with that, and the messaging stops, then I'd try to concentrate on your relationship together moving forward x

I had a similar thing but it was far earlier in the relationship. I was really mad, and asked him if he was still in love with her or if it was an ego thing - and either way I felt I was out. He insisted it was nothing of the sort, that he had had a nice time when they were together (she cheated), so he wanted to remember the good times and not cut her off completely. I said I didn't buy it, and we nearly broke up. He cut contact immediatley and on everything and apologised profusely. He still wouldn't admit it was anything more than just being nice to someone he once had feelings for. I think it was his ego and he was enjoying the attention, but ill be fucked if I was gonna stand by and let him indulge that. I suspect thats the case for your guy. Be firm OP. Hes mugging you off.

He has feelings for her.
I would expect that in the future if he felt she needed him for something then he would prioritise her and what she wanted over and above his relationship with you.

I'm sorry OP but I think you will always feel insecure about their connection with each other. I think you would be better ending things.

I love him so much. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I know I sound pathetic, I just wish he would realise how it makes me feel.

You can still be with him though OP. I am. I don't think hes got feels - just being an egotistical boy. Just don't let him. Tell him it has to stop. His reaction will tell you everything.

He knows how it makes you feel.

But I suspect that as far as he is concerned, you are his Plan B, and if he ever gets a chance with her, he will drop you in a flash and go running. Sorry.

Have you told him how this makes you feel? What was his reaction? That will tell you everything.

It sounds like she heard he was with someone else and wanted to check if she could still reel him back in. Looks like she could.

Annoying on your anniversary too.

When I saw the message we were in a bar and he started brushing it off right away but I was clearly upset and went to the bathroom for a moment because I didn’t want to get upset in public. And when I came back he just acted like it hadn’t happened. And I didn’t want to ruin the rest of the holiday by bringing it up. We’re travelling back today so I don’t know if today is a good option either.

I don’t understand what she actually wants. There was never actually anything between them. He wanted something (was very in love with her) but said she didn’t feel the same and so they were just friends. But she doesn’t really act like that’s all she wants.

Now you are home I think you need to tell him exactly how it has made you feel and how it has made you question the relationship and you feel he either loves her or its an ego boost - and either way you aren't tolerating it.

His reaction will tell you everything. My fella immediately apologised, blocked her on everything, reassured me over and over he had no feels for her he just wanted to be kind as he 'remembered the good times' (i still think that is bollox). A year later and he never mentioned her, talked to her, we are totally in love and live together now. So it doesn't have to be the end or anything. BUT i do think you need to be completely open and raw and tell him how upset you are (especially on your anniversary). Then how he reacts to that will tell you everything you need to know about him.

He realises. I'm so so sorry but he doesn't care enough to care. ❤️

I think I’m afraid that he might choose her. I know that I overthink everything but I’m so afraid of that, of being the second choice, not good enough, once again.

You're not being unreasonable. Given their history and the fact that he was messaging her on your anniversary, it's understandable that it would bother you. The issue isn't just the messages, it's that this is someone he once loved and never clearly said he was completely over. Your feelings are valid, and it's worth having an honest conversation with him about it.

You don't need to say "M" if you've already written "boyfriend, or "F" if you've already written "woman". It's implicit.

Surely it's better to know though, rather than say nothing and continue to feel insecure and worried? If he chooses her, then at least you will know for sure and not waste any more time on him!

"SerenitySeeker4 · Today 16:29
You're not being unreasonable. Given their history and the fact that he was messaging her on your anniversary, it's understandable that it would bother you. The issue isn't just the messages, it's that this is someone he once loved and never clearly said he was completely over. Your feelings are valid, and it's worth having an honest conversation with him about it."

@SerenitySeeker4 has nailed it. This will bells on. I don't know why you received criticism and condescension when you posted elsewhere. I think it is perfectly natural that you are uneasy about what this woman means to your BF. However, I think most of us have had the experience of having strong feelings for someone which were not reciprocated (or indeed of love relationships which blew over in time) and our previous loves didn't stop us falling in love with someone else in due course. Your BF was in love with this woman before he knew you so it doesn't mean he can't be in love with you now.

But he can't be in love with you and fanning the flames of affection for her, so I don't think having a relationship where he tries "to make her happy" will work. For me, that's boyfriend/life partner-type talk. I have plenty of male friends who I get on well with but I don't think trying to make me happy is on their agenda (any more than trying to make them happy is on mine) - they save that for their life partners, just as I save it for my DH.

If your BF is a keeper, you should be able to have a proper conversation with him about this and he should be able to put your mind at rest and ideally distance himself a bit from this woman. If their previous exchange was in October, that shouldn't be so hard. Good luck, OP.

So he's said he's still in love with her, is messaging her kissing faces on your anniversary minutes after she messages him, and continues to message her the next day. 😬.

You are a placeholder, sorry but it is the truth. He is trying to get over her by getting with someone else, and clearly isn't over her as he felt the need to reply to her at all. So what, you build a relationship across the next say 5 years, she pops back into his life again because she knows that she can, then what happens?

Don't waste your time. Dedicate it to someone who isn't already in love with somebody else.

She said she posted on Reddit first, so I'm assuming it has been copied and pasted.

Sadly, it sounds as if you're the back-up chick, and no amount of wishing will change that, if that's the case. In my experience, when you get that icky feeling in your stomach that something isn't right, it's usually correct. Do you want to be second best the rest of your life?