Struggling to accept my mum has changed since the affair

[roava]

Im am 41 years old. 5 years ago we as a family discovered my mum had been having an affair with my dad's boss. Needless to say, it devastated the whole family and changed my relationship with her forever.

She moved out of the family home and in with this man. So rather than being 2 minutes away, she is now around 30 minutes away. Such is my trauma from this whole thing, I still havent been to her house and I havent spoken to the man at all. She does come round and see me and my kids but I haven't really felt much more than a "tick box" for her to be honest. Its like shes doing a duty coming to see us. I cant rely on her for anything any more, it appears like she is being controlled by this man but ive raised it a few times and she says no.

She still tries to have some sort of control in our house as though shes a matriarch but doesnt actually do anything for us or with us anymore.

5 days ago I had double prolapse repair surgery. She has been to see me once for 30 mins. It makes me so sad to see other women who can just call their mom and they are there. Most peoples moms I know would have come to stay with them after surgery. Im still not mobile and am feeling unwell.

She told me yesterday she would be here today but shes tagging on to visiting my uncle whos also unwell. I don't feel like I matter to her at all. She still hasnt turned up.

I can see that there is a child in me screaming out for my mom to come back. But the person I see now is not that person that raised me. Its like she died and I'm grieving for her. This is the time I needed her the most in 8 years and shes not here.

How do I detach myself from this feeling... its like shes breadcrumbing me.

I'm really sorry OP. It sounds like a very unpleasant situation. I know you would love to have her by your side at this difficult time, but rest assured that you can also get through it on your own.

@NameChangeMay2026i think your right, unless you’ve ever had to go through your parents getting divorced you will never really understand. It’s all well and good saying just suck it up your an adult, it still changes your whole world as you know it. Parents behaving like children through the divorce, bad mouthing each other to you. It’s horrible!

yanbu op it’s a really sad situation.
Massive sympathy to you - its hard when someone you love disappoints you and lets you down.

Ive read plenty of times on here that people would disown a friend for cheating on their spouse as it says a lot about their character but when it’s your own mother whose behaved that way it adds another level of complication.
Only people who have gone through the traumas of a fallout from affairs really understand and it is coming to terms the betrayal, lies and realising someone is not who you thought they were.

Id say most adults are fully aware their parents aren’t perfect - no humans are but cheating is a pretty horrific behaviour and it will be hard navigating this for some time to come.

I would say try some counselling, speak to trusted friends if you can and just think that with time you may be able to process this and accept the new relationship you will have with your mother. A new chapter if you will. Be kind to yourself.

getting abit annoyed with people justifying their actions just because the kids are now adults, come on…

Well, it's five years later, no one's perfect, and you only get one mum. OP has to decide whether or not she is going to lose her mum over this.

I also have a close friend whose mum did the same after almost fifty years with her dad, and she's not really in touch with her mum now, a few years later. So with my cousin, that's two people in their forties I know who let their parents' late-life affairs and subsequent remarriages come between them and their parent. Well, they were in their forties when it happened, they are now in their fifties and sixties. The relationships they had with their parents is gone.

I've lost both my parents, and I would never have let something like that come between us forever, as sad as it would be and as much as I'd wish they had done things differently.

Once again: People are not perfect.

Marriage is not prison. People can leave if they want. An affair is hardly ideal though, I know.

Yes but there is no mention of Dad staying to care for OP post op so the double standard on women makes deeper demands on them

Totally agree, but I feel that you should try to protect your relationships with your son/daughters throughout the process. Not divorce them in the process.
The kids adults or children have done nothing wrong just by products of the broken relationship.

@PumpkinPieAlibi and others who think some PP aren't outraged enough about the affair: I don't think that anyone thinks this behaviour (adultery) is OK, but we are discussing OP's relationship with her mother, not the mother and father's relationship. There's no point focusing on the morals of her mother's affair. That ship has sailed. It's now up to OP how she wants to go forward.

If the OP was a person whose spouse had had an affair, PP would be much more judgemental about adultery. But it's the filial relationship that's the topic here.

Adult children are allowed to feel upset when there is any sort of disruption to the wider family setup, and the relationship ship they thought they’d have with parents turns out to be completely different. OP, take the time to sit with your feelings and create your own boundaries, especially to protect your DH and children but also to figure out where your mum might fit in in due course. You don’t have to rush to accepting the new regime, and the scales have fallen from your eyes in relation to your mum.

Yes, and divorce when children are adults does still affect them. It makes them look back and question their parents' marriage, and it makes the future more awkward and it means that there's a cuckoo in the nest. We had one of those after Mum died and Dad got someone else. I never begrudged Dad, I was happy for him, but there was no doubt that it made family gatherings strange and awkward. Instead of family togetherness, with my sis and BIL and nieces and nephews and two loving grandparents, Grandma was gone and in her place was a strange woman. Who Dad inflicted on us mercilessly. She never shut up, she had foot-in-mouth disease, she was rude, she was totally different from our mother, and it changed our family life completely. Totally different dynamics with this stranger in the middle of all our family gatherings, as incongruous as someone in a ballgown at a barbecue. (Unfortunately, she wasn't a good fit with the family, but even if she had been, she was just a stranger with whom we had no memories and were not related to.)

So I get it. It's HARD. But still, you only get one mum/dad. With my dad, I put up with his abrasive new partner so I could still be as close to him, but it was stressful. She had a voice like Janet Street Porter and she could talk for forty minutes about absolutely nothing without drawing breath. One day I just had to walk away after 45 minutes because I really thought I was going to scream.

I know what I'm talking about when it comes to putting up with an unwelcome stranger in order to maintain a relationship with your parent. Dad's dead now, and I'm so glad I spent all the time I could with him when I still could. And he was FAR from perfect.

I’m wondering if you see your past differently now the affair has been brought out and they are in fact now a couple. How did your mum facilitate this affair…lying about her whereabouts? Acting as if boss(affair partner) was just the best boss ever? Did your dad’s career take a major detour or has he had to continue with a smile and an armor on working for the man secretly having sex with his wife? Was your mum unreliable or absentee or elusive whilst having the affair? did you have any idea your mum was so unhappy or do you think it was attention seeking or status seeking?

The deception is so demoralizing and painful irregardless of how old you are when a parental affair leads to divorce.

Were you very close to her as a child?
And what about as an adult before this affair started?

You talk about the little girl in you crying out for her mum, so it sounds like there were unresolved issues before this affair of abandonment or feelings you wanted more emotional support or help from your mum than you got. Are there any underlying issues from before the affair or has this change only started since the affair?

The affair itself is obviously terribly hurtful and it’s understandable anyone feels deeply hurt when one parent hurts and betrays another like that, even though you’re not a child anymore and it’s not about you.

Your pain is understandable but the way you describe it makes me think that the issues started a long time ago and you’ve never got from your mum as much as you saw other people around you getting. I feel for you, a close relationship with your mum is something most of us want and thrive from.

It’s tough, my mum left our family for another man when we were children. At the time it was awful, I felt abandoned.

I found comfort in that they had a long relationship, I got to know my Step Father very well, He and my Mum were well suited, far better than my Dad, they had a long, happy relationship.

Your DM has been with this man for a long time, I think that you to meet him again, as your Mum’s partner, go to their home. Otherwise there will always be the distance between you.

I hope that you feel better soon and your recovery goes well

I wasn't focusing on the morals of her mother's affair or her parents relationship. Other posters were projecting and doing that in an attempt to justify her mother's behaviour and THEN I made a comment as it feels like a presumptuous attempt to excuse adultery.

But anyway...

I stand by my original comment that deep down we all crave our parent's, especially our mother's affections and approval, and that it isn't surprising or shocking that OP feels hurt by her mum's behaviour.