Struggling to accept my mum has changed since the affair

[roava]

Im am 41 years old. 5 years ago we as a family discovered my mum had been having an affair with my dad's boss. Needless to say, it devastated the whole family and changed my relationship with her forever.

She moved out of the family home and in with this man. So rather than being 2 minutes away, she is now around 30 minutes away. Such is my trauma from this whole thing, I still havent been to her house and I havent spoken to the man at all. She does come round and see me and my kids but I haven't really felt much more than a "tick box" for her to be honest. Its like shes doing a duty coming to see us. I cant rely on her for anything any more, it appears like she is being controlled by this man but ive raised it a few times and she says no.

She still tries to have some sort of control in our house as though shes a matriarch but doesnt actually do anything for us or with us anymore.

5 days ago I had double prolapse repair surgery. She has been to see me once for 30 mins. It makes me so sad to see other women who can just call their mom and they are there. Most peoples moms I know would have come to stay with them after surgery. Im still not mobile and am feeling unwell.

She told me yesterday she would be here today but shes tagging on to visiting my uncle whos also unwell. I don't feel like I matter to her at all. She still hasnt turned up.

I can see that there is a child in me screaming out for my mom to come back. But the person I see now is not that person that raised me. Its like she died and I'm grieving for her. This is the time I needed her the most in 8 years and shes not here.

How do I detach myself from this feeling... its like shes breadcrumbing me.

“I cant rely on her for anything any more”

OP, you’re 41, so I assume your DM is over 60. Why can’t your DH help you after your operation? Of course your former family home will feel different without your DM there, but you don’t know what actually went on between her and your DF - almost certainly, there will have been faults on both sides. You’re not her little girl any more, OP, you’re a grown woman and a mother yourself. I’m very sorry that you’re feeling so sidelined by your DM, but you really need to get over this in order to have any sort of reasonable relationship with her. Your disapproval of her situation is probably all too apparent to her. Perhaps you relied on her too much before all this - you need to concentrate on your own family. It really isn’t your DM’s responsibility to come running every time you think you might need some help, OP, difficult though that may be for you - she has her own life and her own needs. The fact that she is with a new partner, though, doesn’t mean she loves you any the less - I expect you think that had she stayed with your DF, she might have had more time for you, but that is not necessarily the case. Your DM is a person in her own right, not just somebody’s mother or somebody’s partner. It is hard to discover that the dynamics of a relationship have changed, but they do, and might well have done even had she and your father stayed together.

I’m sorry you’re finding this so hard op. It’s never easy, my parents split when I was 10, my dad had been having an affair with my mums friend and immediately moved in with her and her children. It didn’t actually last but it was abundantly clear that he’d choose her and them over us; but then he’d always been a selfish, angry arsehole so it wasn’t a mega shock that he behaved so appallingly I suppose. In your heart of hearts, do you genuinely believe your mum had a personality transplant or is it more a case that she can feel how upset and angry you are at her and it’s making the relationship impossible to continue as it was? Or perhaps a bit of both? I find it hard to believe she’d change completely as a person just like that, but then, people are strange things.
With all that being said, five years is a long time to hang on to this resentment, anger and emotional turmoil. Have you had any therapy at all? I suspect it may be helpful. It may even be worth considering ‘family therapy’ with your mum, so you can get your feelings out in a safe space and maybe find a way to meet each other in the middle, a way to move forward in a happier place?
Best of luck with it all.

If the new man is racist I imagine that could feel like an added rejection - she chose a man that wouldn’t approve of your husband & children and someone you wouldn’t trust around them.

I think having had surgery and feeling vulnerable it’s bound to stir up feelings regarding your Mum - you want comfort and safety and she doesn’t represent that at the moment.

look in to therapy to help you work through your feelings - ideally before you raise issues with your Mum. Better to have any conversation with her when you are feeling physically better and have had a chance to organise your thoughts.

The thing that strikes me about your post @roava is that it is ALL me me me .. surely the one MOST devastated is your father and yet he gets just a brief mention.. perhaps your parents had not been happy for a long time and your mum made the decision in her 60s that she was allowed to be happy with a partner she cares for and cares for her .. I know I did . ! My ex husband was a self absorbed narcissist.. but I stuck it out until my kids hadn’t just finished school and uni - but until they were married and settled . Then it was MY time. - and amazingly, my kids were intuitive enough to understand.. they adore their dad and have a great relationship with him.. but they have been so welcoming to my partner because for the first time in many decades they can see I have another person in my life who adores me and treats me as they want me to be treated .. I think you may need to take your blinkers off. No woman leaves a happy marriage… which means she wasn’t happy . My children want that for me above all things.

I'm really sorry that you're grieving the loss of your old relationship with your Mum. I went through something similar with my Mum when I'd left home. I didn't like her partner, and we were told not to visit at weekends as he worked away all week and they wanted time to themselves. Things did eventually settle down and Mum "came back" so to speak. It will take time for you all to navigate the new situation.

lol lots of mums on the defence here! You don’t need therapy etc you just need to accept your mother for what she is and not how you think it should be, I felt more at peace with that realisation. I totally get women leave as they are not happy but why does it have to demolish the children’s relationships also, small or grown. I wish my parents had split when I was younger even when I was younger I wished this. Not play happy families for a ridiculous amount of time, think that’s worse for the children. Any way as I said alot
of defensive mothers here 🙄, all about them as per!

Therapy. You need a safe place to unpick a very messy situation. I'm not surprised you've been thrown for a loop. Your mom did something that you didn't think she had it in her to do.

I would also think about seeing if you could meet and she give you her side of what happened. It might give you some answers.

The racism of her now partner adds a nasty facet to this. Is your mom secretly racist? I would not go to their home either, I don't enable racists and their enablers and that's what she's doing. How old are your kids?

You have made it obvious you disapprove then moan she has kept away, you are an adult what did you think would happen.

@Skybluepinky just out of interest how would you expect her to react? Just find it odd that she would celebrate and welcome this scenario?

I agree with this. I am probably a bit younger than your Mum, and my dc are still based at home, one at university. I am the child of parents with a happy marriage, and I am happily married, I’ve never had an affair. However, friends have sometimes had affairs, or more commonly simply fallen away from their partners over time and fallen in love with someone else, who they now live with. I understand this more than casual affairs. Sometimes people just do fall in love again later in life and want to be with a different person. It sounds as though your Mum does want to be in your life but you can’t forgive her.
Life is short, I don’t think anyone should have to stay in a marriage where they are no longer happy, and when they have fallen in love with someone else. Your Mum gave you a stable childhood, it isn’t as though she ran off half way through your GCSEs, or when you were little. She is allowed to change her mind and be with someone else. Break ups are usually messy and someone gets hurt. I am old enough to see that many relationships in older people start when one or both parties are unhappy in their long term relationships. It’s not ideal, but people move forward.
I think you need to accept your Mum’s choice. It’s for your Dad to forgive her or not. You were very much an adult when this happened with your own life and family, and she still wants to be part of that.
I think it took me until my Mum was an old lady, needing my support, to really see her as her own person and not just my Mum. I regret that so much now that she isn’t here.

I’m sorry that happened to you. Of course we have the mothers we have, but OP’s feelings are also natural and understandable. I felt like she needed some compassion and so that’s what I tried to give.

I don’t think the problem is the affair, the what why etc, it’s her relationship with her mother that’s the fundamental problem. The mother basically prioritises EVERYTHING over her adult daughter for whatever reason and just expects her to fall into line like a child. Think the mother needs therapy as why she is so detached, not her daughter.

Completely disagree… mother is now living the life SHE WANTS .. not the life you want !!

Oh yes she definitely is living the life she wants and that doesn’t include her daughter in anyway!

It’s sad that she can’t even have a basic friendship with her mother, mother has checked out.

@Youthinkyourefunny - I'm happy things seem to have worked out for you but you're doing a lot of projecting of your own situation on to OP's. There's no indication that OP's dad is a raging narcissist like your ex or done anything to deserve what happened to him. And I think everyone can agree that whilst OP 's mum deserves happiness, an affair with your spouse's friend/colleague etc is monumentally selfish. OP is fully allowed to feel sad that her mum has hurt their family.

As to only unhappy women cheating...come on! All men who cheat are bastards but all women who do are unhappy and therefore justified in cheating? Women can be as selfish and narcissistic as men.

so yay! Go her!! Totally entitled to be self centred !! Anyone who doesn’t agree with her #LivinHerBestLife is of course well and truly jell innit…. 🙄

👏🏻

Well, OP, just imagining your mother's point of view: "Sadly my marriage ended when I met my new partner. However, my adult daughter is still judging me 5 years later, and her attitude is damaging our relationship. I have moved a very short distance away (only half an hour) but I think she had got too used to me being on the doorstep and running around after her. I do try to keep in touch with her, and my grandchildren, but it's not easy because of her disapproval. How can I get my daughter to accept my choices, and also to accept that she is not a little child who needs my constant attention?".

and more projecting….. 🙄 don’t think the mother felt sad about her marriage ending 🤣 quite the opposite!

I mean I'm 41 and wouldn't expect my mum to come running every time even tho we are super close and a text would bring her running. I know I'm an adult and I want her to enjoy her life without always running after an adult daughter. Doesn't sound like your mum has stopped caring at all about you, grandkids but if she feels your disapproval then that's probably why she visits short times. Her partner's can't be so horrendous as if he was so badly racist etc I wouldn't have met a second time never mind several. You have to also accept people grow away from each other, your ideal family life till death isn't what everyone wants, and affair of course was the wrong way to go about it but your mum was also entitled to not be happy with your dad and move on

OP, you have lost the family life you thought you would continue to have until your parents were gone. That is very, very hurtful. After my mum died, my dad met someone else and just nothing was ever, ever the same again. It gave me an insight into how people whose parents divorce must feel. While it's different, death and divorce both break up your home. It's a very, very bitter pill to swallow. I don't blame you for your feelings at all, and I would probably feel the same.

However. You only get one mum, and people are allowed to leave marriages they are not happy in. It's a real pity she did it the way she did, but some things are just really unfortunate. My uncle met someone else after 42 years of marriage, and that was about 15 years ago. His daughter let it come between them and they have an extremely distant relationship now, limited to the odd text. I think it's a great, great shame. What he did was not great, no, but she was married and had two kids and was 40 when it happened. He has been extremely happy in his second marriage and now has cancer. All those lost years, and they were never able to really find their way back to each other after so long.

Your mum did a bad thing, but since you were well into adulthood, I'm not sure it's a sacking offence. If you let this rift continue, you could really live to regret it.

Your mum was obviously unhappy to have an affair and went about things the wrong way.. but you sound like you think she should just have sucked it up and stayed in an unhappy marriage to make you happy. Your a 41yr old woman. Get over it. Yes your mums life is different now either accept it or break contact. Everything can't all be on your terms.

It sounds like you don't see your mum as a person in her own right - just as your mother.

Do all those saying how right the ops mum was to have her affair because she was unhappy, agree that would be ok for men to have an affair if they say they are unhappy too?