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Original poster

I had an affair and lost every one

101 replies

amonthtogo · 31/05/2026 13:54

I know I deserve everything I get but…

I was married for 15 years, two teenage dc, sexless marriage no love, affection, slept in separate beds, more like house mates. A friend of mine shown interest and one thing led to another and I was seeing him behind my DH back. I did after a few weeks tell DH who wouldn’t accept it and carried on as if nothing had happened.

family and friends found out and have all stopped talking to me.

the affair is still going on and DH is acting as if everything is ok. Im stuck. If I had somewhere to leave to I would but I don’t have anywhere to go

OP posts:
LlynTegid · 31/05/2026 13:58

Lesson for others.

There are a few men I can think where I wish they had received the same response from friends and family.

RedRock41 · 31/05/2026 13:59

OP you’re a grown woman. Part of being a grown up is finding solutions to our problems. Woe is me, when you’re perpetuating an affair and justifying it is not easy to sympathise with. If your family and friends have cut you off they maybe also think your DH doesn’t deserve it. Bit grubby now it’s all out to still be running to the other man rather than either leaving or somehow trying to repair the damage you caused.

drunkelephant83 · 31/05/2026 14:00

If it’s still happening leave?

rwalker · 31/05/2026 14:00

sounds like DH isn’t bothered your marriage is dead in the water and staying together is an easy option

Urzurtixitxigcog · 31/05/2026 14:02

Ffs sort yourself out. Either get out of your marriage or end the affair

BippityBopper · 31/05/2026 14:03

Why do you have nowhere to go?

Can you even call it an affair now your husband knows about it?

ThisJadeBear · 31/05/2026 14:04

Gosh that’s tough.
There is so much going on here.
Nobody likes being cheated on and anyone who admits to it on here usually gets a tough time.
But you have to say there are complex circumstances here. A woman, in particular, who is starved of everything tends not to go out looking for sexual partners, although that does happen.
You have needed connection and attention and you have found it elsewhere.
I can understand DH’s family friends being angry but yours?
How did they all find out?
What happened in your marriage to cause the disconnect? Does your DH have any issues like ED?
You may feel stuck but only you can act here.
I am concerned about your friend. If he can see you are vulnerable, and people have stopped talking to you, he should do the decent thing and back off?
Is he a mutual friend or just friend?
What is your financial situation like with DH? What do you do for work?
Firstly, like it or loathe it you need to end the affair and mean it otherwise the damage is just going to multiply.
Secondly, you need to work towards separating and your DH needs to stop pretending. You cannot stay in this marriage.
It is a mess right now but only you can act. And don’t leave and move in with the friend - that will burn every bridge and lead to disaster.
I understand you are lonely and afraid but it’s time for some clear-thinking.

AnneLovesGilbert · 31/05/2026 14:06

I’m not sure what you mean by he wouldn’t accept it. Do you mean he doesn’t believe you’re having an affair, he does but doesn’t care? Does either of you want to divorce? Do the children know? What do you want to happen next?

therockingbird · 31/05/2026 14:08

That’s actually quite sad đŸ˜” He’s ignoring it and you’re trapped. Only solution is to leave but if you do would the affair partner be happy about that or is he also attached? You need to get out and make a plan in order to do so. Also as some who’s been cheated on and had her family blown apart - I’m not surprised your friends and family are not talking to you, I’d expect they don’t know what to say. Your poor husband will be crumbling quietly inside or fucking the neighbour. Either way the only option is to part ways.

Dery · 31/05/2026 14:08

I find it odd that all your family and friends have stopped talking to you. Do you mean your DCs have stopped talking to you?

At least as to eg parents and siblings, i would expect disapproval and probably a hard time but not to be cut off. And in your shoes, i would be explaining my side of the story. Also, I wouldn’t just cut off a friend who was having an affair. Is this because your H is controlling the narrative?

RedRock41 · 31/05/2026 14:09

Urzurtixitxigcog · 31/05/2026 14:02

Ffs sort yourself out. Either get out of your marriage or end the affair

This.

Will never understand why those having an affair don’t just end their marriage if they really want someone else. To then act surprised and like the victim when friends and family aren’t impressed either is tone deaf. Nowhere to go is an excuse. What about the other man, bedsit, rent a flat. There’s always options. Not saying they’re great, but FS, loveless marriage or not the DH in this scenario doesn’t deserve this. OP think how he feels hearing you leave and then hearing your key in the door knowing what he knows. That’s a shitty way to treat anyone. He maybe still loves you and so in denial. It’s your mess to clean up, and sooner the better.

MissMoneyFairy · 31/05/2026 14:10

Why can't you leave and move in with your affair man

TooOrangey · 31/05/2026 14:10

Your poor husband. You need to do the right thing and separate.

moderate · 31/05/2026 14:10

amonthtogo · 31/05/2026 13:54

I know I deserve everything I get but…

I was married for 15 years, two teenage dc, sexless marriage no love, affection, slept in separate beds, more like house mates. A friend of mine shown interest and one thing led to another and I was seeing him behind my DH back. I did after a few weeks tell DH who wouldn’t accept it and carried on as if nothing had happened.

family and friends found out and have all stopped talking to me.

the affair is still going on and DH is acting as if everything is ok. Im stuck. If I had somewhere to leave to I would but I don’t have anywhere to go

Like most people who have affairs you are too busy feeling sorry for yourself to actually face up to the fact that you are still making bad decisions.

If I were you I would suggest marriage counselling to your DH.

Woody18 · 31/05/2026 14:12

You're in danger of losing your children too... if your friends all know, your teenagers WILL find out. And will lose all respect for you because of how you have handled this. My husband was you and he really has lost everyone, including his kids...
You're very selfish and you'll never be forgiven for how you've so wrongly handled this. There's a right way to end a marriage. Wake up!

pinkpony88 · 31/05/2026 14:12

Yes you are right. You do deserve everything you get.

Urzurtixitxigcog · 31/05/2026 14:12

I suspect there’s more to this than op is saying

OriginalSkang · 31/05/2026 14:15

Do you work? What is stopping you moving out?

Woody18 · 31/05/2026 14:18

Dery · 31/05/2026 14:08

I find it odd that all your family and friends have stopped talking to you. Do you mean your DCs have stopped talking to you?

At least as to eg parents and siblings, i would expect disapproval and probably a hard time but not to be cut off. And in your shoes, i would be explaining my side of the story. Also, I wouldn’t just cut off a friend who was having an affair. Is this because your H is controlling the narrative?

You most certainly would cut off a friend if you understood the pain an affair causes and how many lives can be blown apart because of it... including the children's.

Toooldtocare25 · 31/05/2026 14:20

What do you want for him to kick off and relieve some of your guilt? You make your own choices. Your husband deserves better. You’re clearly not sorry and trying to work at it. I’m lost as to what advice you are actually looking for.

OriginalSkang · 31/05/2026 14:23

What are you actually asking here? What is the 'but'?

mumofoneAloneandwell · 31/05/2026 14:24

Dh telling everyone but carrying on like nothing has happened strikes me as odd

Girl its time to leave and find your own place - your marriage has been over forever and its time to be strong and leave

Are you working? Can you save enough for a deposit on a small flat

Things will be chaotic but its for the best

Are you hoping for your affair partner to want you to live with him? Is he married?

đŸ˜¬

Honestly, I think its time to act like men would in this situation and take some time to sort yourself out - tell the kids how much they mean to you and how it wont be for long. You have to stand up though, noone is coming to do it for you.

Dery · 31/05/2026 14:27

@Woody18 - i actually do know that pain. I grew up with it as my father had many affairs. I also don’t subscribe to the idea that the affair partner bears no responsibility for the hurt caused. But i have a dear friend who had an affair at a particularly difficult time in her life. I didn’t cut her off.

Urzurtixitxigcog · 31/05/2026 14:29

If the affair is with a friend then I suspect this has blown your friendship group apart ?? Does he have a partner ?

Harriet36 · 31/05/2026 14:35

Does your DH have a cuckolding fetish? Otherwise, why is he ignoring the fact you are having sex with another man? I'm not surprised people aren't speaking to you. You say your marriage is over, so leave.