There are a lot of threads on here from 'new' partners who have heard awful things about their partners ex and ex wives who are having problems with their exh's new partner.
Other posters often say they have a DH problem.
I really, really want to stress the 'DH problem' part of this.
My exh and I separated 14 years ago and eventually divorced. His new partner and I have never been allowed to meet. No reason has ever been given beyond him saying it wasn't necessary. I wasn't too bothered. He and I were amicable and co-parented really well. We were flexible and supportive of each other in our parenting and all was good. No conflicts, no arguments and minor disagreements on little things were easily talked through and resolved. Our children are now well adjusted and successful young adults. It's been a real success story, if I'm honest! And I've always felt appreciative of her and lucky, if I'm honest, that I didn't have any of the problems I read about on here!
However, a few things have happened over the past couple of years that have put things into a very different light - odd behaviours on behalf of my ex husband and odd comments that the children have told me his new partner (now wife) has made specifically about me. Despite never having met me. And things that don't reflect the situation accurately nor our positive co-parenting relationship.
It turns out my ex husband has lied about me to his new partner. Quite extensively. And what he has said to her doesn't reflect the reality of the situation in any way!
He has painted me out to be the 'crazy ex' who he has spent the last 14 years closely managing to reduce the impact on their lives and who has had to step in when I'm unable to cope.
For example. My exh is a reasonably high earner (not MN 6 figure salary high earner 😉 but not too far off). Despite this, he has very little to show for his money. He has very poor financial management and has always been in quite substantial debt. This is one of the reasons why we split.
However, he always paid maintenance on time and if he changed jobs and had a new pay day, he always kept me informed etc. But I've always had suspicions that he wasn't honest with his new partner (now wife) about his debts and lack of financial responsibility (he never has any money and is often pleading poverty to the children) - just little things he or the children told me that didn't add up but, hey, none of my business anymore!
Anyway, long story short, it has transpired that he has spent the last 14 years explaining his lack of money by telling her that I'm struggling, can't cope and that he is constantly bailing me out financially. I've never borrowed so much as a fiver from him.
He caused a bit of a scene when our daughter went to university a couple of years ago. He contributed nothing to the preparations, buying university stuff, nothing but then insisted that he and his wife alone drove her up to university to move her into her accommodation (he wanted the good dad Instagram moment).
When she said she wanted me and my partner there as well and tried to plan/co-ordinate that, he caused a huge scene. Threatened to withdraw all financial support for her whilst she was at university (which he, ultimately, did), told her she was selfish and that I had 'no right' to take her. I was quite happy for us all to be there. His wife agreed with him ajd said to our daughter that they wanted to be there for her and support her but it wasn't 'appropriate' for me to also be there on such an important day'. In the end, my partner and I took her alone because he refused to spend the day with me because it wasn't 'good for his mental health or well being.'
I'm not going to go into details on other stuff just because it's not really the point of my post.
But it seems that he has painted me as someone who is financially unreliable and struggling; unsafe for him to be around; mentally unstable and requiring of near constant extra support from him etc. These things have become clear from piecing together comments his wife has made to my daughter since she turned 18, who has come home and said things like his wife "said something really strange this weekend..."
Anyway, my point is that she 'knows' me as a person that doesn't exist.
I could have posted about all the shit things that she has said about me and how dare she! She could have posted about the negative impact of her husband's ex wife on him, her and their joint lives together now.
But none of it is true.
He has lied about me. He has taken the basic facts but changed the narrative around them so extensively that they don't resemble the truth and paint him as a long suffering exh.
I don't really need advice on my situation although I'm happy to clarify and chat further!
I just really wanted to say that if you are a second wife or an ex wife and you are hearing shit about the other woman in your lives, the chances are that it isn't true.
Give each other some grace. And even if you have personal experience of this other woman's 'nightmare' behaviour, the chances are that it's because of shit he's fed her or bek manipulated in the retelling.