Ex wives; new partners. DH problems... an experience.

[JustAPersonTryingToPerson]

There are a lot of threads on here from 'new' partners who have heard awful things about their partners ex and ex wives who are having problems with their exh's new partner.

Other posters often say they have a DH problem.

I really, really want to stress the 'DH problem' part of this.

My exh and I separated 14 years ago and eventually divorced. His new partner and I have never been allowed to meet. No reason has ever been given beyond him saying it wasn't necessary. I wasn't too bothered. He and I were amicable and co-parented really well. We were flexible and supportive of each other in our parenting and all was good. No conflicts, no arguments and minor disagreements on little things were easily talked through and resolved. Our children are now well adjusted and successful young adults. It's been a real success story, if I'm honest! And I've always felt appreciative of her and lucky, if I'm honest, that I didn't have any of the problems I read about on here!

However, a few things have happened over the past couple of years that have put things into a very different light - odd behaviours on behalf of my ex husband and odd comments that the children have told me his new partner (now wife) has made specifically about me. Despite never having met me. And things that don't reflect the situation accurately nor our positive co-parenting relationship.

It turns out my ex husband has lied about me to his new partner. Quite extensively. And what he has said to her doesn't reflect the reality of the situation in any way!

He has painted me out to be the 'crazy ex' who he has spent the last 14 years closely managing to reduce the impact on their lives and who has had to step in when I'm unable to cope.

For example. My exh is a reasonably high earner (not MN 6 figure salary high earner 😉 but not too far off). Despite this, he has very little to show for his money. He has very poor financial management and has always been in quite substantial debt. This is one of the reasons why we split.

However, he always paid maintenance on time and if he changed jobs and had a new pay day, he always kept me informed etc. But I've always had suspicions that he wasn't honest with his new partner (now wife) about his debts and lack of financial responsibility (he never has any money and is often pleading poverty to the children) - just little things he or the children told me that didn't add up but, hey, none of my business anymore!

Anyway, long story short, it has transpired that he has spent the last 14 years explaining his lack of money by telling her that I'm struggling, can't cope and that he is constantly bailing me out financially. I've never borrowed so much as a fiver from him.

He caused a bit of a scene when our daughter went to university a couple of years ago. He contributed nothing to the preparations, buying university stuff, nothing but then insisted that he and his wife alone drove her up to university to move her into her accommodation (he wanted the good dad Instagram moment).

When she said she wanted me and my partner there as well and tried to plan/co-ordinate that, he caused a huge scene. Threatened to withdraw all financial support for her whilst she was at university (which he, ultimately, did), told her she was selfish and that I had 'no right' to take her. I was quite happy for us all to be there. His wife agreed with him ajd said to our daughter that they wanted to be there for her and support her but it wasn't 'appropriate' for me to also be there on such an important day'. In the end, my partner and I took her alone because he refused to spend the day with me because it wasn't 'good for his mental health or well being.'

I'm not going to go into details on other stuff just because it's not really the point of my post.

But it seems that he has painted me as someone who is financially unreliable and struggling; unsafe for him to be around; mentally unstable and requiring of near constant extra support from him etc. These things have become clear from piecing together comments his wife has made to my daughter since she turned 18, who has come home and said things like his wife "said something really strange this weekend..."

Anyway, my point is that she 'knows' me as a person that doesn't exist.

I could have posted about all the shit things that she has said about me and how dare she! She could have posted about the negative impact of her husband's ex wife on him, her and their joint lives together now.

But none of it is true.

He has lied about me. He has taken the basic facts but changed the narrative around them so extensively that they don't resemble the truth and paint him as a long suffering exh.

I don't really need advice on my situation although I'm happy to clarify and chat further!

I just really wanted to say that if you are a second wife or an ex wife and you are hearing shit about the other woman in your lives, the chances are that it isn't true.

Give each other some grace. And even if you have personal experience of this other woman's 'nightmare' behaviour, the chances are that it's because of shit he's fed her or bek manipulated in the retelling.

I’m sorry you are dealing with this. I dumped my ex - after 25 years - for cheating. While I resent the OW for being as guilty as him in their behaviour, I don’t doubt her views of me will be totally skewed. She will no doubt have been told a pile of crap about me and about our marriage that wears little resemblance to reality.

Yeah, I occasionally wondered what my ex said about me. I suspect I may have been used as an explanation for his poor money management etc.

Still, if it kept them together, it kept him away from trying to bother me! 😂

It’s happened to me. Well probably still happening lol.
i broke up with exh. We seemed to get along ok but i never met any of his many partners over the years. He then remarried. And I was never introduced to her which was fine , I was just getting on with my life and happy if our dc were happy.

they then became adults and got engaged, had our grandchildren, graduated etc and there were times we would need to get together. But there was this. Weird atmosphere and sly things said in my presence by his wife. It was upsetting for me. One of our daughters caught on and asked the wife why she had referred to me as a gold digger for one and the wife gave her a long list of the abusive things I’d done to their dad over the years.

apparently I’d cheated all the way through our marriage.
I was violent to him.
id drained him so much financially that he’d had to go bankrupt five years after I left.
I had a mental health condition.
and I’m a prolific liar.

id been painted out to be just awful. No wonder i was being given the cold shoulder and dirty looks lol.

my daughter tried to put her right on things but wife wouldn’t listen. Exh had done a good job on her.

well they very suddenly split up a few years back. And he’s told everyone it’s because she was sleeping around, financially controlling and takes drugs.

you’d think his wife (now ex) would of pieced things together about me. I’ve been in a solid loving relationship for 27 years. I hold down an important job. I have a nice home and I’m financially doing well. No drama just happy living my life with my family around me. Exh on the other hand, bankrupt twice, police charges for stalking/harrasment, constantly splitting up over him disappearing for days on benders …..

I don’t know how she ever thought I was the problem.

anyway I’m guessing the latest wife is getting the old woe is me about his two crazy ex wives now lol

Really sorry he treated you and your DC that way, especially not financially supporting DC at university having promised to do so. Shitty.

More fool the new wife / partner to ignore red flags about him such as badmouthing you.

If your DC have got to know her and get on Ok with her it’s surprising they haven’t queried and set her straight after her comments, but understandable if they want to stay out of it, especially since their father is volatile and unreliable as a father.

I don't think they really realised what was happening either and just assumed she was mistaken or they'd misunderstood. The university thing was the first time I became aware of it and had a Hang On This Makes No Sense moment. And other things started to fall into place.

The eldest has distanced himself to a degree and maintains a relationship and he says and does the 'right' (expected) things but the relationship he has with his dad is quite superficial. My daughter finds it harder and pacifies him. She won't say anything that could antagonise him because it's not worth the threats or the fall out.

I don't really care what he says or she thinks about me. It has no impact on my life, but it impacts the children and, even though they're adults now, it's shit they're having to deal with that they shouldn't be. 14 years of no issues and just at the point whee it should all be sorted and easy going forwards, it feels like he's thrown a grenade in it! Of course, he hasn't just done it, it's been there all along. I just didn't know.

My daughter will be going into her third year soon and she's already worrying about how to allocate her graduation tickets. She wants her mum and dad there, obviously, but, as she says, if he refused to spend 2 hours with me in her university city moving her into halls, how on earth will he react to spending a day with me for her graduation. She's anticipating her dad saying that because I took her up there and had that moment without her dad and step mum there, he will expect he and his wife to attend the graduation. And, tbh, given what I've seen of him recently, I think this is not an unreasonable concern on her part.

Obviously, I've told her she can do what she wants, it's her day. And she's already said she wants me there but I am also mindful of the fact she will want to appease him because he isn't someone people like to get on the wrong side of. He can be very cruel.

But, yeah, I suppose I hoped that someone who is currently having problems with an ex wife/new partner would see this and it might cause them to think that it wasn't the other woman in the situation (on either side) causing the problems.

If you're hearing about how crazy, shit, selfish, useless, controlling, manipulative, incapable, needy, problematic the ex wife is, she probably isn't in reality. And if you're the ex wife dealing with an overstepping, overbearing, intrusive, patronising, problematic step mum/new partner, it's probably not because she's a complete bitch with no redeeming features!🤷🏻‍♀️

Well if he hasn't contributed financially to her university life and you have, then why should he be there for the graduation?

And I completely agree with you about the new partner being told a load of bollocks about the state of the marriage and about the original wife. It's how they justify their behaviour.

That's the fair and logical response.

He doesn't operate on a logical plane though. His is manipulation amd coercion and he has her well trained. Unfortunately.

The sad thing is that she can see it and articulate exactly what he is doing but she also believes she can 'manage' him if she just does x, y or z.

Anyway, I'm hoping the graduation worry will come to nothing but she is in an abusive relationship ship with her dad (that he kept well hidden) and she didn't see until recently.

You might as well be asking why a woman in an abusive marriage doesn't just leave him. It can be obvious from the outside and even when it is obvious to the person on the inside, they still think they can manage it.

Sadly some men are just like this. They can’t accept any responsibility when a relationship ends and the only way to soothe their ego is to paint themselves as the victim to garner sympathy. If he took accountability for his actions and learned from his mistakes he’d probably not need to lie about you. He’s not likely to change now and his new partner will have to learn this.
Your DD can request extra tickets for graduation. My DS is the same age as her and we’ll need extra tickets for his. But his dad and I get on so we can sit together, you don’t have to.
You can’t change anything that’s already happened so focus on staying calm and reasonable for your DC’s sake. That will not only annoy him as it’s not the picture he’s painted of you, but hopefully it’ll stop you getting dragged into his narrative.

That’s hard for your DD. Hopefully she will come to see that she has an unhealthy dynamic with her father and the ‘fear, obligation and guilt’ (FOG) she’s likely in.

You could tell her you’d really like to attend the graduation, and leave it up to her to deal with her father and his partner. And perhaps encourage her to speak to someone about her relationship with her father.

If he’s arguing (to her) that she shouldn’t invite you to the event, that’s emotionally abusive behaviour towards her. You both appeasing him would just reward that.

I agree that people need to be aware of divorced men rewriting history, as it is more common than not. My examples:

When I met my now exH 20 years ago I felt so sorry for him. He told me he’d been married but his first wife became mentally ill. She didn’t want the children so he did everything, worked, cooked, cleaned, took DC to dentist appointments etc. I believed him- my family, friends, colleagues don’t lie to me so I took what he said at face value.

Reality: ( Which I pieced together years later.) He had rarely been at home in his first marriage as he was pursuing an emotional and then physical affair with a colleague. He resented doing anything at home and had catalogued each and every minor thing he had done I.e. attending one dental appointment with his DC meant he did that all the time.

It came as no surprise when we divorced and he started bad mouthing me to the new woman. He said I was a gold digger for wanting 50% in the divorce. He’d clearly forgotten his years of unemployment and that when we met I had a house and he didn’t! I did write to her to say she was being manipulated by him and that I was just a loyal hard working wife and good Mum who’d struggled in a marriage to a very difficult man. She believed him over me of course, but I think she believes me now they’ve split up too!

The thing is though that first impressions count, the deceits that are told to explain away the failed marriage leave a lingering misimpression, even after they have been corrected.

Oh, I know why they do it.

I think more women should be mindful of the fact they do it.

And, yes, I know the solutions to the graduation. My daughter's preferred option is that me and her dad watch it, her boyfriend and brother get the additional tickets if granted. Her step mum and my partner (and her boyfriend's parents) watch the screened ceremony and we all meet up for a meal afterwards. I appreciate you taking time to explain though!

It's not that she or I can't see a solution
It's not even the logistics that are the issue but that her dad will kick off because he needs to avoid me and his wife meeting and to avoid her seeing that he and I actually get on ok. So there will be a problem. We just won't know what it will be until we get to that point and find out what he has decided what his specific demand/issue/concern will be.

There are so many people at graduation ceremonies, provided there are enough tickets for both you and your ex and partners, you should be able to go and sit separately?
We had an end of school awards ceremony though, held in a massive local town hall, I went as did my ex. When I went in I could only see a few spare seats and made a beeline for one in the middle. I said excuse me to this bearded guy in a pale jacket so I could get to the free seat, and only as I was squeezing past I realised it was my ex. (He’d grown a beard and I genuinely didn’t recognise him!!)

This resonates with me exactly. My children told me the second wife has a characature of me which has no resemblance to reality and unfortunately means she has said nasty things about me in front of the kids who are now young adults and stay with me out of choice now. He hasn’t contributed since they were 16 n the house joke is that his contribution to her university education is a box of herbal tea bags. It’s been such a struggle n she was the one who emailed to say he wasn’t paying any more - broke the court order. She is wealthy south east naive n rather unworldly. There’s a definite thing about women being culturally happy to find a husband as a second wife and be ‘I’m not like your ex’ and support terrible lies told by men. I have found this as damaging as the actual ill treatment of us by my ex-husband as it’s so invalidating of our lived experience.

Sorry I cross posted. I see what you mean he will manipulate the situation to avoid you meeting. How would you feel suggesting just you and she meet for a coffee alone to pave the way for graduations, weddings, funerals etc?

My ExH did this with his new wife. Unwittingly I played into it, by referencing his drinking in a joke (he is a functioning alcoholic who had been hiding it from his fiance) in front of her before they were married.

So at that point, she thought I was a total bitch and in addition he'd told her a lot of lies about my financial manipulation of him (despite his paying the bare minimum of CM and not even that for large chunks of time). As a result, we had no more contact for many years. She is no angel either, however she has kept that man alive by controlling his drinking and addictive habits (after they almost split up due to the drinking). So from my POV, she's enabled my DC to have a father (albeit a shit one) around for the last 20 years.

Out of the pair of them, she is head and shoulders the better person in that relationship. Hats off to her for coping with a bloke that I just couldn't deal with. She's saved his life, that's for sure.

I'm sorry you have found out that your ex is a lying sack of shit but I just wanted to say thank you for sharing this. I have often read threads on here and thought 'how do you know'? when a second wife is spouting stuff about the ex or vice versa. I'm always extremely wary of men who slag off their ex, especially if she's the mother of his children!

I've thought it many times and suggested it to him in the past. But he won't pass on my number and she won't speak with me.

A couple of times, he's referred to them needing to 'protect' themselves. I, foolishly, assumed that maybe she wasn't comfortable with having contact with his ex wife and the caginess around it and 'protection' was because of tension in their relationship and i respected that! 😄 But, no, it seems he has created a narrative of them needing to protect themselves from me because I'm completely unhinged.

The issue is that he doesn't want her to meet me or have a coffee with me because then she might realise she's been lied to. So he has to create situations where we can't meet. He won't let it happen. Taking our daughter to university would actually have been the perfect opportunity. A lovely positive day where she was the focus and the adults were working collaboratively towards a shared goal. But he sabotaged it so it couldn't happen.

I don't think he thought as far ahead as what hed do for graduations and weddings though. I suspect his plan is just to keep kicking off and sabotaging and blaming me for making him feel unsafe.

Ohhh I feel sorry for her… at some point the rose coloured glasses will fall and she will see it all. What if your DD gets married will your ex not come ?!?

I fell for the ex is crazy / manipulative line and now I have so much sympathy for her. My soon to be ex used to get angry the boys had clothes at her house and then were changed to his clothes for his time. He used to whinge she kept all the furniture etc now I get with boy he’s more than a tightarse ( he says frugal - I say it’s not frugal is someone else is picking up the tab!!) and I have paid 98% of our DC’s things as he doesn’t have funds…. But then suddenly can buy a new tv if needed or football tickets!

Anyway I think eventually the lie becomes clear but usually it’s too late for the next wife etc

Your ex is unfortunately going to be around for every large event. In some ways is it better to blow the truth through his lies sooner rather than later?

Presumably for the new wide you can contact her? I would just get in touch say that it’s come to your attention that apparently he has financially bailed you out this whole time - the truth is that he paid CMS maintenance and never a penny more or borrowed anything, one of the reasons for splitting was his appalling ability to handle money so you are very confused at what has been said to the DC.

I think at some point, your daughter has to say to him, 'Dad, for the big events in my life I want both you and wife, and mum and her partner there. I'm fine with it. Mum is fine with it. The choice is yours.'

I think you have to talk to her about it and explain that you understand she's not ready to do that yet, but that the conversation has to happen at some point.

What about the christening of grandchildren? There is no way on earth you can be left out over that.

I would write a letter to the new wife directly and say that you’re concerned about some of the things you’ve heard have been said in their house and you’d appreciate it if you didn’t talk to your daughter at all about finances etc. for the record, your ex has paid set minimum amount of child maintenance and no other financial support has come your way since the divorce and you have the bank statements to prove this should they be needed. You’re happy to meet and has a conversation if she would like, but your main priority is your children aren’t confused by untruths so please don’t discuss a financial situation that you know nothing about with them (your certain she has not seen any evidence of you being bailed out, as you haven’t been).

I think at some point, your daughter has to say to him, 'Dad, for the big events in my life I want both you and wife, and mum and her partner there. I'm fine with it. Mum is fine with it. The choice is yours.'

That's pretty much word for work what she said about moving her to university.

His line was she was being selfish and it was 'inappropriate' for me to be there. He didn't explain and could tell her why. He just kept repeating it. Ultimately, she didn't back down and he made the choice not to go.

But he won't have told her or his family that's why he didn't go, obviously.

Gosh what a crummy thing to do!! It sounds like your ex has "hero complex", whereby he has to swoop in and "save the day". No wonder he never wanted you to meet the new wife, all his lies would unravel.