Ex wives; new partners. DH problems... an experience.

[JustAPersonTryingToPerson]

There are a lot of threads on here from 'new' partners who have heard awful things about their partners ex and ex wives who are having problems with their exh's new partner.

Other posters often say they have a DH problem.

I really, really want to stress the 'DH problem' part of this.

My exh and I separated 14 years ago and eventually divorced. His new partner and I have never been allowed to meet. No reason has ever been given beyond him saying it wasn't necessary. I wasn't too bothered. He and I were amicable and co-parented really well. We were flexible and supportive of each other in our parenting and all was good. No conflicts, no arguments and minor disagreements on little things were easily talked through and resolved. Our children are now well adjusted and successful young adults. It's been a real success story, if I'm honest! And I've always felt appreciative of her and lucky, if I'm honest, that I didn't have any of the problems I read about on here!

However, a few things have happened over the past couple of years that have put things into a very different light - odd behaviours on behalf of my ex husband and odd comments that the children have told me his new partner (now wife) has made specifically about me. Despite never having met me. And things that don't reflect the situation accurately nor our positive co-parenting relationship.

It turns out my ex husband has lied about me to his new partner. Quite extensively. And what he has said to her doesn't reflect the reality of the situation in any way!

He has painted me out to be the 'crazy ex' who he has spent the last 14 years closely managing to reduce the impact on their lives and who has had to step in when I'm unable to cope.

For example. My exh is a reasonably high earner (not MN 6 figure salary high earner 😉 but not too far off). Despite this, he has very little to show for his money. He has very poor financial management and has always been in quite substantial debt. This is one of the reasons why we split.

However, he always paid maintenance on time and if he changed jobs and had a new pay day, he always kept me informed etc. But I've always had suspicions that he wasn't honest with his new partner (now wife) about his debts and lack of financial responsibility (he never has any money and is often pleading poverty to the children) - just little things he or the children told me that didn't add up but, hey, none of my business anymore!

Anyway, long story short, it has transpired that he has spent the last 14 years explaining his lack of money by telling her that I'm struggling, can't cope and that he is constantly bailing me out financially. I've never borrowed so much as a fiver from him.

He caused a bit of a scene when our daughter went to university a couple of years ago. He contributed nothing to the preparations, buying university stuff, nothing but then insisted that he and his wife alone drove her up to university to move her into her accommodation (he wanted the good dad Instagram moment).

When she said she wanted me and my partner there as well and tried to plan/co-ordinate that, he caused a huge scene. Threatened to withdraw all financial support for her whilst she was at university (which he, ultimately, did), told her she was selfish and that I had 'no right' to take her. I was quite happy for us all to be there. His wife agreed with him ajd said to our daughter that they wanted to be there for her and support her but it wasn't 'appropriate' for me to also be there on such an important day'. In the end, my partner and I took her alone because he refused to spend the day with me because it wasn't 'good for his mental health or well being.'

I'm not going to go into details on other stuff just because it's not really the point of my post.

But it seems that he has painted me as someone who is financially unreliable and struggling; unsafe for him to be around; mentally unstable and requiring of near constant extra support from him etc. These things have become clear from piecing together comments his wife has made to my daughter since she turned 18, who has come home and said things like his wife "said something really strange this weekend..."

Anyway, my point is that she 'knows' me as a person that doesn't exist.

I could have posted about all the shit things that she has said about me and how dare she! She could have posted about the negative impact of her husband's ex wife on him, her and their joint lives together now.

But none of it is true.

He has lied about me. He has taken the basic facts but changed the narrative around them so extensively that they don't resemble the truth and paint him as a long suffering exh.

I don't really need advice on my situation although I'm happy to clarify and chat further!

I just really wanted to say that if you are a second wife or an ex wife and you are hearing shit about the other woman in your lives, the chances are that it isn't true.

Give each other some grace. And even if you have personal experience of this other woman's 'nightmare' behaviour, the chances are that it's because of shit he's fed her or bek manipulated in the retelling.

I wouldn’t bother with ex’s partner, since these events in DCs’ lives are few and far between. Now you know what he’s said and done it’s no longer sensible to discuss the DC with him.

So would focus solely on supporting both your DC to continue not to cave into his behaviour.

On the graduation, sadly the idea of all going for a meal probably isn’t realistic, given his behaviour. If DC doesn’t wish to exclude them she could try ‘I would like and have arranged to do X, Y or Z afterwards: you and Jane are welcome, please let me know either way for the booking. I have also invited Mum, Janet, John and Jim.’ Then not cave to any batshittery, before or on the actual day.

DD might well be uncomfortable saying no to him and doing as she’d prefer on graduation day (& not inviting him and his partner to any celebration before or after), but it might be better than the inevitable discomfort arising from doing things in ways she thought might appease him.

Sadly the DC need to choose between hard options. Resources on the Stately Homes threads might help.

He didn’t ‘quietly’ make moving in day about him: recall your thread and that he made a massive fuss (emotionally speaking) and upset DD.

This sounds exactly like my brother. He lied to us all throughout his first marriage, saying he needed money as his wife had a terrible spending habit, ran up massive bills etc. We all gave him money, bought clothes for his child (though he always just wanted the cash), then he split with his wife and I heard both sides of the story and also observed how he managed alone financially, which wasn't very well. Again, he turned to his family for money, we even bought food for him and looked after his child when it was his turn to have them. Turned out it was him who had the massive spending problem and was constantly in debt. He then remarried and got into terrible financial problems again but this time telling his new wife it was us, his family, who'd got him into a financial mess. He made out he'd been the one bailing us out all these years (even though both us and our partners had good jobs and our parents had worked hard all their lives and had money) when it had been the other way around! His stupid new wife believed him and wrote us abusive letters and made calls, saying we'd ruined his life. She hardly knew us and I tried to tell her a few home truths but she didn't want to listen, saying we were liars and it was all our fault that he had no money. She soon found out when they divorced after a couple of years and she lost everything including her house. After more failed relationships he's now with someone else and it seems to be working out, although I believe she looks after all the money. Sadly, we are estranged from him, his choice not ours, we love him whether he's rich or poor. We've heard from his now adult child, that, once again, he's blamed all his financial woes on us to his partner and that she hates us too. That's why he has to keep us separate from any partner he has as he's frightened they'll realise he's the liar. I think some men will happily sacrifice and put the blame for all their problems on their ex or family or anyone else, just to cover up their own inadequacies and sadly, some stupid women are so desperate for a man, they believe everything they say.

Exactly this. As I've said to my partner, does the thought of spending the day with my exh and his wife fill me with joy? No.

It is how I'd choose to spend a day? No.

Would I be happy to do it for my daughter and present a united front so that she looks around and sees nothing but people who love her and are proud of her and are putting her first? Absolutely!

Thanks

Yes, she does/they both know. In the last couple of years, he has been more blatant with the manipulation and coercion.

When she was younger, he would try to manipulate and control her in other ways but she got wise to that and then he started using the threat of money (eg not paying for the expensive phone contract he insisted on taking out for her that he controls). He refused to contribute to her prom dress always telling her that he wanted to but the one she wanted wasn't quite right or he needed to think about it or he couldn't afford it this week bit could next week but then couldn't next week either but he abslutely did want to contribute to it. Then, when she got upset at the push/pull of it, he threatened to cancel her phone contract. He still refers to that period as The Time She You Were Very Naughty to her.

We split up when she was 6 and he has never provided a bedroom for her. She had a sofa bed in his cinema room because, "Daddy is important too."

So yes, they know and see the lies and manipulation.

He didn’t ‘quietly’ make moving in day about him: recall your thread and that he made a massive fuss (emotionally speaking) and upset DD.

Yes, you're right 😞

Those things he did / is still doing to the DC and DD specifically are awful.

She definitely needs ‘Stately Homes’ resources!

I could fill a thread with things he has said and done and you're right, they're awful.

The reason he actually gave her for not supporting her financially at university was that he'd been a parent for X number of years now and had supported her and her brother financially all that time and now it was time for him to prioritise himself and spend his money on himself.

He has a habit of doing that. Issuing a punishment for a perceived minor infraction but then reframing it to justify it by pointing out it was the right thing to do for him anyway so not really Daddy imposing an unrelated and unnecessarily harsh punishment after all but Daddy protecting his own Mental Health because Daddy is important too.

They see through it.

My DP’s ex had decided I was a downgrade as she was the best that had ever happened to him. She demanded a meeting 1:1 with me and when I refused, she started ignoring me when we meet up (in public) or trying to stare me down. She walks into the house without knocking and sits at a table, touching my DP’s arm and telling him the stories from their past. She told everyone in his life I am the gold-digger. When I try to put boundaries in place she cries “but it’s for the kids”. Last time when the kids were coming over she messaged asking if we’re having sex as the kids will be home soon. Not every ex-wife is a saint. I am not saying she is crazy but she is not a pleasant person either. It is a DP problem as he needs to deal with her but she knows how to play him and how to make him feel guilty.

And, yes, he still refers to himself as Daddy and talks about himself in the third person when talking to her. Like you would with a very small child.

You know, like you might say, "Ooh, mummy is very tired now, sweetheart! Why don't you do/watch X, while mummy has a little rest." type thing.

Except that she's 20 and not 2.

It's all terribly sad, especially for the children. I wish these men would think things through! I can't imagine he thought about weddings, graduations, grand children when be started his smear campaign.

My ex stepdad was like this - he played his first wife and my mum against each other for years, constantly telling my mum that his ex wanted him back and wanted to sleep with him. Telling his ex wife that my mum wouldn't let him see the children, or that she didn't want them in the house and made a very toxic dynamic. All completely unnecessary and means that the children all hated each other, hated the various adults around and there were constant arguments.

My Ex told his current partner that I have untreated Schizophrenia!!!! He also lost custody of his daughters because of violence and not turning up to court. He has obviously never paid a penny.. but I think, more fool her, if she can believe that I am seriously and dangerously mentally ill and won sole custody of my daughters (including changing their surnames) through some kind of magic witchery in a court system, then she deserves all the gets... Cognitive dissonance is an astonishing thing and his new wife must know in her heart of hearts that he's full of shit... Just look at the lengths your Ex went to so your paths wouldn't cross at the uni drop off. Sorry but she deserves all she gets if she's buying what he's selling. If she's ok with him cutting off his child financially, then she's an arsehole too.

Maybe start your own thread?

But that the point!

My point isn't that ex wives are saints. My point is that problems between ex wives and second wives are largely generated/enabled by the man.

So, yes, you do also have a husband problem because he should be the one putting boundaries in place. Not leaving you to do it.

Saying she knows how to play him and make him feel guilty is just another way of putting the blame onto her when, actually, this is on him.

So what actually is on her? And where in all of that is not respecting boundaries? She has been told many times and she just ignores us. She doesn't even respond to my "hello", who's fault is that according to you?

That's shocking!

And I agree ro yountonan extent but it's still impacting the children which is harder.

It makes no difference to me what she thinks of me.

And I can't imagine he's told her he isn't supporting his daughter at university. After all, he'll still have to justify his lack of money somehow...

You shouldn't even be in the situation.

Why is she letting herself into the house?

Why is she coming in a sitting down?

Why is he allowing her to touch his arm?

Why doesn't he shut her down when she starts relaying stories from the past?

What is he actually doing to stop it?

Because if someone came into my home and disrespected me or my partner, they wouldn't be coming into my home anymore.

I 100% agree with you. And I actually find it very sad how gullible so many women are. I don't blame them -we've all been brainwashed by the patriachy to believe these lovely sincere men who are just showing us their emotional side blah blah blah.

According to exBIL, his ex was abusive, toxic, manipulative and cheating. She was also the reason he had no money - she "stole" the house they bought together from him.

Funny, when his relationship with SIL finally ended guess what he accused her of? You got it - abuse, toxicity, manipulation and cheating and yes, it was HER fault he left that relationship with nothing.

What drives me mad is that SIL STILL thinks the ex was bad....

Also, I'm always gobsmacked on here when women come on to say how awful their DP's ex is and how he's being kept from teh children... but then it turns out they have done nothing to try see the chidlren. And they believe the stories about "I think a court case would be worse for the kids" or whatever. Such BoLLOCKS.

She walks in behind the kids and all of that takes place in front of the kids when we cannot confront her on the spot (we cannot really kick her out of the house in front of the kids, can we?).

He has told her many times not to do it but she always “forgets” “it is raining” “she needs to discuss sth”.

Her being rude to me is on her. Her manipulating the kids is on her.

I am sorry but I do not agree with the MN- wide narrative that all first wives are saints.

She doesn't have to be a saint. But your DP is the problem here. He shoudlnt' be letting her into the house etc.

I'm also not entirely certain why you wouldn't meet with her - I would think that a step mother and mother meeting can only be good for the dc but perhaps there was already a back story.

Why are you putting boundaries in place? That shoudl be your DP.

My ex and I split up

I had a happy relationship with another woman for a few years, that petered out and I then had a relationship with a woman from work who lived near me.

I had a phone call from her one evening along the lines of 'you never told me your ex was a f*g nutter'

She had got a floor fitted by someone who lived in the hamlet my ex & I lived in & that she lived in after we split. Turned out and I didnt know this that she had assaulted her new partner in the street

Op your ex and mine are remarkably similar. The manipulation knows no bounds. I agree with a PP who said they triangulate the hell ot of all parties in their lives; keep people apart incase they start sharing stuff. ExH GF has been invited to birthday dinners and more; as well as graduation dinners (all via the ex ) and she has attended none of them. I can’t help but wonder why?! I think he tells her she’s not invited. My second child is in process of cutting him out of his life and the third one is probably a bit young yet.
They don’t care who they manipulate or what damage is done to the people they claim to love. Outrageous behaviour.

But how do you physically not let her into the house when she walks right behind the kids?
it is very easy to say but if someone is manipulative and aggressive (which she is towards me) it’s difficult to stand up to her in front of her kids. Would you really confront your stepkids’ mum in front of them?

I did not meet up with her because she suggested it after she had dragged my name through mud with his family and after few occasions when she was openly hostile to me. I wasn’t going to sit her 1:1 without my DP there to give her more ammunition to change it all into “she said I said”.

If someone is given a boundary and keeps disrespecting it on purpose it’s not really fair to blame only the other side.

I sympathise with you, I do. BUT, the thing about boundaries is that other people dont' have to accept them. It's something most people don't understand. Your boundary means that you know (and in most cases, so does the other person) that if your boundary is crossed you will do x or y, and that if there are consequences, so be it.

So, for example, I don't accept racist language of any sort in my house. Ever. That's my boundary. If someone says something racist, and I feel they might not have appreciated this is a boundary, I will politely but firmly tell them that this is not something tolerated in my house. If they say it again, or make a fuss or go on a rant (yes, these things have happened), I will ask them to leave. And yes, if that is embarassing for my family or for the person or for anyone else, so be it.

So if there are boundaries re her coming into the house for example, yes, your DP should be imposing them. "Hi sheila, thanks for dropping the kids off, see you next week" etc. I don't know what other boundaries you're talking about but if you feel those are legit, and she doesn't respect them, then you have to decide what YOU are going to do about it AND accept the consequences that might follow.