Ex wives; new partners. DH problems... an experience.

[JustAPersonTryingToPerson]

There are a lot of threads on here from 'new' partners who have heard awful things about their partners ex and ex wives who are having problems with their exh's new partner.

Other posters often say they have a DH problem.

I really, really want to stress the 'DH problem' part of this.

My exh and I separated 14 years ago and eventually divorced. His new partner and I have never been allowed to meet. No reason has ever been given beyond him saying it wasn't necessary. I wasn't too bothered. He and I were amicable and co-parented really well. We were flexible and supportive of each other in our parenting and all was good. No conflicts, no arguments and minor disagreements on little things were easily talked through and resolved. Our children are now well adjusted and successful young adults. It's been a real success story, if I'm honest! And I've always felt appreciative of her and lucky, if I'm honest, that I didn't have any of the problems I read about on here!

However, a few things have happened over the past couple of years that have put things into a very different light - odd behaviours on behalf of my ex husband and odd comments that the children have told me his new partner (now wife) has made specifically about me. Despite never having met me. And things that don't reflect the situation accurately nor our positive co-parenting relationship.

It turns out my ex husband has lied about me to his new partner. Quite extensively. And what he has said to her doesn't reflect the reality of the situation in any way!

He has painted me out to be the 'crazy ex' who he has spent the last 14 years closely managing to reduce the impact on their lives and who has had to step in when I'm unable to cope.

For example. My exh is a reasonably high earner (not MN 6 figure salary high earner 😉 but not too far off). Despite this, he has very little to show for his money. He has very poor financial management and has always been in quite substantial debt. This is one of the reasons why we split.

However, he always paid maintenance on time and if he changed jobs and had a new pay day, he always kept me informed etc. But I've always had suspicions that he wasn't honest with his new partner (now wife) about his debts and lack of financial responsibility (he never has any money and is often pleading poverty to the children) - just little things he or the children told me that didn't add up but, hey, none of my business anymore!

Anyway, long story short, it has transpired that he has spent the last 14 years explaining his lack of money by telling her that I'm struggling, can't cope and that he is constantly bailing me out financially. I've never borrowed so much as a fiver from him.

He caused a bit of a scene when our daughter went to university a couple of years ago. He contributed nothing to the preparations, buying university stuff, nothing but then insisted that he and his wife alone drove her up to university to move her into her accommodation (he wanted the good dad Instagram moment).

When she said she wanted me and my partner there as well and tried to plan/co-ordinate that, he caused a huge scene. Threatened to withdraw all financial support for her whilst she was at university (which he, ultimately, did), told her she was selfish and that I had 'no right' to take her. I was quite happy for us all to be there. His wife agreed with him ajd said to our daughter that they wanted to be there for her and support her but it wasn't 'appropriate' for me to also be there on such an important day'. In the end, my partner and I took her alone because he refused to spend the day with me because it wasn't 'good for his mental health or well being.'

I'm not going to go into details on other stuff just because it's not really the point of my post.

But it seems that he has painted me as someone who is financially unreliable and struggling; unsafe for him to be around; mentally unstable and requiring of near constant extra support from him etc. These things have become clear from piecing together comments his wife has made to my daughter since she turned 18, who has come home and said things like his wife "said something really strange this weekend..."

Anyway, my point is that she 'knows' me as a person that doesn't exist.

I could have posted about all the shit things that she has said about me and how dare she! She could have posted about the negative impact of her husband's ex wife on him, her and their joint lives together now.

But none of it is true.

He has lied about me. He has taken the basic facts but changed the narrative around them so extensively that they don't resemble the truth and paint him as a long suffering exh.

I don't really need advice on my situation although I'm happy to clarify and chat further!

I just really wanted to say that if you are a second wife or an ex wife and you are hearing shit about the other woman in your lives, the chances are that it isn't true.

Give each other some grace. And even if you have personal experience of this other woman's 'nightmare' behaviour, the chances are that it's because of shit he's fed her or bek manipulated in the retelling.

That's very perceptive of you. That is exactly what he is like.

In my experience, there are people who rarely, if ever, lie. There are people who are a bit flexible with the truth and will lie to save face or make others think highly of them. Then there are people who lie every minute of every day. Everything about their relationship with themselves, others and the world is fictional and an attempt to manipulate others into seeing them as the good guy and the victim. There are no depths they won't stoop to. They will never admit any wrong-doing, their whole existence is engaged in spinning lies. They behave abominably. They use and manipulate others. They lie and they lie.

The one thing they must ensure is that the people they have lied to and about should never get their heads together and see the whole picture. They are compelling victims. They feel no sense of guilt at all about their behaviour. There is no morality or logic to their behaviour. Their life position is to defend the indefensible by saying 'poor me' and pointing at the woman over there and saying 'this is all her fault'.

It sounds like you have one of these OP, and so do many of us on this thread. My ex's long term partner seems lovely. The one time I saw them both together, he immediately stood in front of her to protect her, as if I was going to physically attack her. A relationship that I ended after years of abuse. They are pathetic human beings who do this. Your DD sounds very savvy, OP and you are obviously very well rid.

The suggestions to speak to her have got me thinking, though.

I don't think challenging her directly is the right way to go about it though, not if he has fed her a narrative of me being unstable. I suspect she'd perceive it as threatening to their emotional safety (a phrase he uses a lot with the children) and wouldn't engage.

I was blindsided at the time of the university move. It was the first time I'd seen it so was just too shocked to address it properly but I can see now how I could have communicated with her directly (my daughter has her number) to co-ordinate it and just ignored his tantrums.

I'm thinking I won't do anything right now but could do before the graduation to plan the day. He often shuts down my daughter trying to address stuff by saying, "Not now, daddy has one of his headaches," so it would actually be quite reasonable to suggest taking the stress away from him and co-ordinating it directly with her!

I'll obviously check, but I think my daughter would be OK with that too.

Spot on!

2 years since I split with my XH.
He has only just slowed down with the smear campaign.
My name has been dragged through the mud, I am in no doubt whatsoever that his new partner has a terrible opinion of me and thinks he is the poor, hard done to victim in our relationship. He has told so many lies that he can't let our teenage children meet her because they will unravel all his lies.
She will find out the truth about him eventually, he can't keep up the pretence of being a decent human being for much longer.

Ugh he sounds absolutely foul! Regarding the graduation, your daughter will have to be very firm and say “I have two tickets and you don’t need to sit together - but as you are both my parents, I want YOU there and nobody else”

the step mother has absolutely no right to try and insert herself into this day.

The stepmother is not the bad guy here.

I just can't believe how short sighted they are. It doesn't seem to occur to them that the truth even might come out eventually.

And it's such a shame for the children colaught up in it.

The worst thing for me is that I had no idea. Obviously, I knew he wouldn't paint a rosy picture of me just as I wouldn't paint a rosy picture of him but it's always been so amicable, it didn't even occur to me that he'd be lying about me on top of that.

Our children are now in their 20s and so we have little need for direct communication and haven't had for a few years aside from check in calls now and then when it's all been good! We should be at a point where, after 14 years of separation/divorce, we should be able to enjoy the next steps our collective lives bring - graduations, weddings, births of grandchildren etc.

I don't have any feelings of animosity towards his wife. I have no interest in being friends with her but would far rather we could be civil if not amicable in family situations rather than navigating a weird hostility that has been brewing behind my back and in secret for years!

I agree that she isn't the bad guy here.

She only knows what she has been told and she has been lied to.

I think my daughter will stand up to him over this. She has said that, if he can't behave himself, then she'll have me and her brother/boyfriend at her graduation but I know, in reality, that would he a very bold statement and not one I think she'd be comfortable with in reality.

She's not blind to his BS she does think that she can manage him.

I suppose that what remains to he seen is how receptive she will be at a future point to dealing with the cognitive dissonance that comes with realising someone isn't who you were led to beleive they were. Or whether she'd even be receptive to it.

She's not blind to his BS she does think that she can manage him.

Such a shame isn't it that a young woman has to think in this way - has to "manage" her own father because he is such a liar. The good thing is that it should show her what red flags to look out for in a prospective partner.

And, tbh, this is exactly why I started the thread. It's actually been quite helpful to me in terms of ideas for addressing nonsense in the future! But that's not why I posted.

I actually started it because of there is so much hostility between mums/step mums and exwives/second wives on here

My whole point was that most of this hostility is created by the misrepresentations and lies perpetuated by the man in the situation and men who create misunderstandings and allow them to fester or men who don't care what damage they cause as long as they look like the good guy/victim/don't have to be accountable and the women on both sides end up blaming/hating the other.

Did you post about th university situation a the time, @JustAPersonTryingToPerson?

I feel I remember it.
You were v upset as at one stage it looked like you weren't going to be able to go, IIRC.

If it was yu, sorry this rubbish is still ongoing
And congratulations to your daughter

It's quite incredible how they'll lie - and convince themselves that they're in the right. When my ex had an affair I ended up speaking to the OW on the phone and apparently afterwards she said to him "but she sounds really nice". I never did quite find out exactly what sort of monster I'd been painted as!

I have a similar exh. I haven’t quite settled yet on what mental health issue he has. Frankly if he has a thought/says something out loud, he believes it 100% to be true. Told me I’d never survive without him. Hehe I’m thriving. His relationship with his second wife (info from my children) sounds very toxic.

I did.

I was worried then that she would cave in to his demands. He'd manipulated her so much that, initially, she told me she didn't want me to go and only wanted her dad and step mum to take her and was quite unkind about it.

When I spoke with her about it properly and found out what he'd said and told her it was absolutely her choice but I'd be disappointed to not go.

Ultimately, she did stand up to him and told him she wanted me there but it did cause problems and a lot of stress and upset for her at the time completely unnecessarily.

In reality, we'd have driven up in separate cars, stopped for breakfast on the way lugged boxes up 2 flights of stairs, put up fairy lights and made the bed and marvelled at how quickly our tiny baby had grown up into such a capable young woman and how proud we all were of her (and all four adults played a part in that to one degree or another) before all going our separate ways.

Instead, it was just my partner, her, her brother and me. It was a lovely day but also tainted because it was one she'd have really liked her dad to want to be there for. Like all the other dads were there for their kids.

But I suppose he got his wish in that respect. He made it quietly all about him one way or another.

men who don't care what damage they cause as long as they look like the good guy/victim/don't have to be accountable

This in a nutshell.
There seem to be an awful lot of recently divorced men who are completely incapable of seeing and admitting the part they played in the relationship breakdown.
If they can't admit it to themselves, they're never going to be able to admit it to a future partner.
I'm happily single for now but if I venture back out into the dating world, I will take stories of insane ex wives with the caution they deserve.

Totally agree.

We know people who have separated aren't going to see eye to eye anymore and aren't going to be each other's greatest cheerleader but, when I was single, any man speaking badly of his ex beyond acknowledging the factual basics or unable to acknowledge his part in it was an instant no for me.

It will also play out at significant birthdays, engagements, weddings, grandkids. As you say now isn’t the time but at some point you need to drop lightly to the new wife she’s been fed a croc of shit.

”Hi can we sort out arrangements for graduation I was thinking XYZ? Oh DD said something funny the other day around you thinking Ex has been financially bailing me out over the years? He’s always paid CMS perhaps you just mean that? Anyhow let me know what plan you think would be acceptable to Ex as DD would like you both to be there too”.

I don't think I'd addres the lies specifically. I wouldn't plan to anyway, I don't think, but yes, definitely a ”Hi can we sort out arrangements for graduation I was thinking XYZ? type approach with maybe a reference to hoping to avoid whatever 'misunderstanding' meant they didn't come up with us to move her there in the first place.

Just enough to hopefully make her stop.and think rather than something she could become defensive about. Her loyalty will be to him rather than me so anything I say that could be construed as 'mischievous' is probably best avoided!

I'd be quite happy to challenge anything said directly to me though.

Does your daughter realise/acknowledge that her father has been lying to his new partner about where the money has been going?

Does she feel any inclination to set the record straight?

Does she also realise that the reason he is unable to explain why he doesn’t want everyone to go to her graduation is because he needs to protect his lies?

I was with ex H for a long time - 20 year + relationship. He’d been with his ex W for around 8 yrs. he told me horror stories about ex W. I was young and vulnerable and I believed him at first. It took me a long time to realise he was a manipulative lying toad. We actually get along now - but it took many years before I came to the conclusion that he has lied about ex W and was lying about me for sympathy from future partners. I actually get along well with ex W now too. It’s affected my trust in men. It’s a bit amusing now at family get togethers as he looks very worried when I’m sat having a drink and a chuckle with the ex W - I see the worry on his face. He’s wondering what we are chatting about. He’s quite self centred, but we all know this now.

The kids (all grown now) and us exes all get along well, and he’s isolated himself as every knows he’s an arse.

Sometimes it just takes time.

He’s causing trouble where there should be none. When my ex went to his kids graduations myself and the ex W partner stepped back and just accepted the parents would go, and then we all met up for a whole family celebration. He should just be putting your DD first - it’s her day, not his.

Just ensure that your DC know the truth about finances, it sounds like they are switched on. You can be factual about it and state you don’t know why new wife thinks that as the truth is XYZ.