Ex wives; new partners. DH problems... an experience.

[JustAPersonTryingToPerson]

There are a lot of threads on here from 'new' partners who have heard awful things about their partners ex and ex wives who are having problems with their exh's new partner.

Other posters often say they have a DH problem.

I really, really want to stress the 'DH problem' part of this.

My exh and I separated 14 years ago and eventually divorced. His new partner and I have never been allowed to meet. No reason has ever been given beyond him saying it wasn't necessary. I wasn't too bothered. He and I were amicable and co-parented really well. We were flexible and supportive of each other in our parenting and all was good. No conflicts, no arguments and minor disagreements on little things were easily talked through and resolved. Our children are now well adjusted and successful young adults. It's been a real success story, if I'm honest! And I've always felt appreciative of her and lucky, if I'm honest, that I didn't have any of the problems I read about on here!

However, a few things have happened over the past couple of years that have put things into a very different light - odd behaviours on behalf of my ex husband and odd comments that the children have told me his new partner (now wife) has made specifically about me. Despite never having met me. And things that don't reflect the situation accurately nor our positive co-parenting relationship.

It turns out my ex husband has lied about me to his new partner. Quite extensively. And what he has said to her doesn't reflect the reality of the situation in any way!

He has painted me out to be the 'crazy ex' who he has spent the last 14 years closely managing to reduce the impact on their lives and who has had to step in when I'm unable to cope.

For example. My exh is a reasonably high earner (not MN 6 figure salary high earner 😉 but not too far off). Despite this, he has very little to show for his money. He has very poor financial management and has always been in quite substantial debt. This is one of the reasons why we split.

However, he always paid maintenance on time and if he changed jobs and had a new pay day, he always kept me informed etc. But I've always had suspicions that he wasn't honest with his new partner (now wife) about his debts and lack of financial responsibility (he never has any money and is often pleading poverty to the children) - just little things he or the children told me that didn't add up but, hey, none of my business anymore!

Anyway, long story short, it has transpired that he has spent the last 14 years explaining his lack of money by telling her that I'm struggling, can't cope and that he is constantly bailing me out financially. I've never borrowed so much as a fiver from him.

He caused a bit of a scene when our daughter went to university a couple of years ago. He contributed nothing to the preparations, buying university stuff, nothing but then insisted that he and his wife alone drove her up to university to move her into her accommodation (he wanted the good dad Instagram moment).

When she said she wanted me and my partner there as well and tried to plan/co-ordinate that, he caused a huge scene. Threatened to withdraw all financial support for her whilst she was at university (which he, ultimately, did), told her she was selfish and that I had 'no right' to take her. I was quite happy for us all to be there. His wife agreed with him ajd said to our daughter that they wanted to be there for her and support her but it wasn't 'appropriate' for me to also be there on such an important day'. In the end, my partner and I took her alone because he refused to spend the day with me because it wasn't 'good for his mental health or well being.'

I'm not going to go into details on other stuff just because it's not really the point of my post.

But it seems that he has painted me as someone who is financially unreliable and struggling; unsafe for him to be around; mentally unstable and requiring of near constant extra support from him etc. These things have become clear from piecing together comments his wife has made to my daughter since she turned 18, who has come home and said things like his wife "said something really strange this weekend..."

Anyway, my point is that she 'knows' me as a person that doesn't exist.

I could have posted about all the shit things that she has said about me and how dare she! She could have posted about the negative impact of her husband's ex wife on him, her and their joint lives together now.

But none of it is true.

He has lied about me. He has taken the basic facts but changed the narrative around them so extensively that they don't resemble the truth and paint him as a long suffering exh.

I don't really need advice on my situation although I'm happy to clarify and chat further!

I just really wanted to say that if you are a second wife or an ex wife and you are hearing shit about the other woman in your lives, the chances are that it isn't true.

Give each other some grace. And even if you have personal experience of this other woman's 'nightmare' behaviour, the chances are that it's because of shit he's fed her or bek manipulated in the retelling.

No one has said all ex wives are saints and that wasn't the point of the thread.

Your husband could meet her at the door and allow the children in. You could welcome them back. He can stop her from entering the house and then come back to meet you. He can message her in advance (the next time she messages to ask if you're having sex or whatever) and he can tell her that he will be meeting the chodren at the door from now on and she is not to come in.

When she says she wants to discuss something or whatever, he can tell her now is not convenient.

If it has to happen (although they could meet in a neutral place or talk on the phone), he can stop her if she starts talking about the past, move her hand if she touches his arm.

Yes, she's pushing the boundaries, but he is letting her. He is not enforcing them. And it's, rightly, passing you off!

Where's his respect for you? Your home? Your peace of mind?

I'm not saying you shouldn't be cross or even really fucked off by what she is doing! But she is only able to do it because he is letting her.

But it's him you should be angry with because you are only experiencing any of this because he is allowing it to happen.

Im in the odd situation of working in the same building as my ex and the ow (his now wife) and the oow.

At the end of our relationship, although not married we were together for 15 years, i became aware there was the ow, (his now wife) and another woman. (The oow)

My job is very sporadic and although Im not directly working with ex and his wife , i pass them individually or together on occasion. The oddity increased this year as the oow has now started doing the same job as me. I am in no doubt that although I told the now wife at the time of the oow involvement, I am sure he denied it, lied about it etc. I never told his now wife her name so its likely she is totally oblivious about her. I was painted as the jealous crazy ex. I havent said anything and dont intend to, but it does make me wonder just how much lieing he had to do for their relationship to continue.

The oow I dont have any issue with as she told me he was cheating on me, it wasnt until later I discovered he had been seeing me, the oow for the previous 18 months and the ow (now wife) all at the same time.

His now wife was more brazen about her desire to get him . She chose to ignore information i gave her about things he had done and said, was happy to go along with painting me as the crazy ex, but oh what web he must have spun as well.

Sometimes despite all the other evidence the most recent recruit wants to believe it so just doesnt question anything preferring to believe the crazy ex narrative.

She was told many times just to drop the kids of outside, they're teenaged not babies but she just walks behind them into the house and then it is too late.
If he tries to say something she starts crying and saying "she only wants to be friends and it is for the kids".
But yes, I am listening to how to deal with it.

I do understand the boundaries, I really do. We are at the stage where I will see her in public and say hello and that's it, for the rest I do not any contact.
She still shows up though and she only walks in when she knows I am home, when I am not there she rings the doorbell.

The point of this thread just flew right over your head there didn’t it.

Yennefer17

I'd actually go as far as standing outside the front door when the childen are due back.
They're not little kids so will be quite able to walk in on their own and don't need a big fuss about what a lovely weekend they've had with mummy on the doorstep.

I'd actually be putting my hand up with, "No. You're not coming in." Or a curt, 'What are you doing. Stop that," if she tries coming in.

She doesn't want to be friends. Surely he doeant believe that? She's marking her territory, and he needs to put a stop to it.

Would you really confront your stepkids’ mum in front of them?

No. I'd expect him to though!

When my partner and I got together, we had a similar 'territory marking' issue with his ex wife. It was ridiculous given that they'd divorced years earlier and he'd had another long term relationship in the meantime.

Not coming into the house it was happening in public spaces. Anyway, he told her in no uncertain terms that it wasn't to happen again and was quite clear what the consequences would be. Yes, her behaviour was silly and, tbh, I'd have been embarrassed to behave like that. But she abided by it and now I dgaf what she thinks of or says about me because it has absolutely no impact on me whatsoever.

That's the position you should be in.

Hope you had a great week/weekend/whatever. But we have things too do so you need to leave now"

"I'm more than happy to discuss that but now isn't convenient so you need to leave now."

"Don't put your hand on my arm. I dont want you to do that." And move it.

"I'm not interested in talking about that right now. If that's everything, you need to leave now."

"I don't want you walking into the house anymore. You need to leave now." Before she is inside.

If she raises her voice

"This isn't going to be a productive comversation. So you need told leave now."

If she cries (it won't be genuine).

"I'm sorry you feel that way but you need to leave now."

And repeat and repeat and repeat until she isn't getting anything from it anymore.

How is she able to just walk in?

This is just a pissing contest and your husband is letting her win.

You've just been co-opted into a competition you weren't aware of and he signed the entry form.

Why is it her you're angry at and not him??

I blame Jane Eyre 😉 Honestly, though- any man who talks about his ‘psycho ex’ needs a wide berth

😄

Yeah, I agree.

I agree. My abusive ex told me all sorts of things about his ex and why she took a CCJ out on him. And then he financially abused me! I got out in the end but it's clearly him with the problem not her. People who accept no responsibility for why their last relationship ended are to be treated with caution.

I explained before - the door is open and when the kids walk in, she walks behind them.

(We don’t live in the UK and that’s normal here).

he is not responsible for her behaviour though. Why would I be angry with him for her smear campaign against me behind my back? By the time we found out, the damage had been done.

how is he responsible for her manipulating the kids and making dogs to them about me? We cannot control what happens at her house

I mean any woman that believes a man when they talk about the ‘crazy ex’ needs their head examining! If any man refers to his ex as crazy etc, I automatically know they’re the problem. So many desperate women who are willing to believe anything just to not be single!

@category12i 100% know my ex will be blaming me for his poor money management and debt!!! I mean it must be great for them to have someone to scapegoat all your mistakes on with your ‘fresh start’

He's not responsible for her behaviour.

But he is responsible for allowing it to happen in your home.

We cannot control what happens at her house

No, but he absolutely should be controlling what happens in yours!

Honestly, you won't give anywhere near as much of a shit what she is saying about you or what smear campaign she's engaged in if you don't have to suffer/experience it in your own home whilst knowing that your husband of all people is allowing it to happeneight in front of you both.

She is behaving incredibly disrespectfully both of you.

You need to shift the focus here from, "Why does she think it's OK to do it?" to, "Why is he letting her do it?"

Because that's where your answer and the solution to the problem lies. In him.

But you only know that with the benefit of hindsight.
I’d had parents, friends, colleagues who were honest with me. I’d never even met anyone divorced before. When ex H told me how he had shouldered everything in his first marriage with an acutely depressed wife I ( very naïvely but genuinely ) completely believed him and felt so sorry for him.

I only realised that I’d been manipulated when I was engaged, cohabiting and pregnant.

I understand what you are saying and I do agree with you to a certain extent.
You are trying to absolve her of all responsibility for her behaviour though. We are adults. She knows full well what she is doing. in my books that’s abuse. But yes, she does it because she can.
Just because she cries when he calls her out on it does not make her innocent.
And I have an ex like this too so believe me, it costs enormous amount of energy to keep the boundaries up when every interaction is a battlefield.
I am just saying that problematic, high conflict exes do exist and sometimes the other side is just worn down.

social media (including MN!) is easy to access. So have limited sympathy with the ‘naivety’, ‘I believed him’ card.

For example, OP’s ex sounds like he has many red flags.

Way back before social media I had a savvy friend (with divorced parents and terrible post divorce parenting from both, who also had problematic partners). When situations arose in our love lives she pointed out things like ‘the script’, red flags, and that some people lie - including about exes. Not in those phrases but the ideas. That kind of information was harder to access other than through personal contacts or women’s charities back then.

I don't think anyone is saying she's innocent. We're saying it's up to him to deal with it. And that's really the point - the ex may or may not be batshit, but either way, it's up to your DP to sort it.

We had similar issues with SIL. Because her ex also used to pull the "I'm a victim, I'm so sad" card on her, we kept finding that somehow, OUR boundaries were getting crossed. So we had to enforce them. And no, SIL did not like it - but that's not our problem. So, for example, we had to lay down the law and tell her that no, he would NOT be invited to our house for Christmas "because he's alone and wants to spend it with DC". And yes, he 100% hates me and DH (me in particular) with the power of a thousand suns now because he blames us for SIL putting boundaries in place. But he was never going to respect our home or our children, so [shrug]

This is so true. I have thought about this a lot. Overall, it's 100% a good thing. But, ironically (and sadly) i sometimes wonder if it's contributing to the growth of incel culture and entitled men. Their shit gets called out much much earlier and much much more often, and they literally haev no idea what to do about it. And as a result, fewer of them get the chance to do things like have children or successful careers or whatever because their shit behaviour, misogyny etc is being found out earlier. And then the resentment sets in.

I'm not saying we shouldn't keep flgging these things and teaching each other and informing each other, but it's an interesting change. We need to stop this shit from when children are small so that boys don't grow up thinking they're the centre of the universe then being shocked when they discver they're not.

I haven't at any point tried to absolve her of any responsibility for her behaviour.

She shouldn't be doing it. That's obvious.

You're absolutely right that she shouldn't be doing it. Shouldn't be starting smear campaigns, shouldn't be walking into your home uninvited, shouldn't he touching your husband, shouldn't be doing any of it.

But she is.

You've asked her not to and it's made no difference so...

You either accept it, make peace with it and allow it to keep happening.

Or...

Your husband puts a stop to it.

Are you honestly telling me that he is incapable of dealing with this? Pr just unwilling? Because, either way, yes, you have a DH problem.

It's easier for you to solely blame her because then you don't have to consider your husband part of the problem. But he is.

But yes, she does it because she can.

So make it so that she can't.

My OH ex really IS BATSHIT! As confirmed by all his friends and family. My OH isn’t perfect by any stretch, but his ex is off her head and needs to be experienced to be believed

Have we got the same.ex ? 🤷

Well love, she is exploiting the normal so change the rules

make the kids knock and wait to you answer the door, tell her she’s not coming in, thanks for dropping the kids back and close the door.

teach the kids gently about boundaries by showing them how to set them. They’re not stupid, they will have picked up on this.

This 😭😭🙌