Teenage son saw me having sex and now won’t speak to me

[mortified48]

Utterly mortified. Bit of background… been divorced for nearly two years after a horrendous marriage. Thanks to good friends helping me with an exit plan, I managed to get out and am now in my own lovely little home. Two DS, 11 and 14 who I share custody with my ex 50/50. Eldest son doesn’t always see eye to eye with his dad who lives about 20 mins walk away.

So yesterday was changeover day and as kids are on half term, they went back to their dad’s at lunchtime and I’m not due to get them back now until Weds (we use a 5 5 2 2 schedule). I was working Fri afternoon and suddenly my eldest appears in my house (he has a key) as he’d had a row with his dad and didn’t want to go back. DS and Ex have a decent relationship but they clash quite a bit and I’m very close to my son. I had a good talk with him and when my ex arrived to come get him, had a talk with him too, calmed the situation and they went back to my ex’s house.

Later that evening my boyfriend of one year came over for some food and a film. It’s worth mentioning here that my kids haven’t met him yet. They’ve bumped into him once, and I talk about him, but more as a close friend I guess. The reason for that is I’m not about to introduce them to someone unless I know they’re going to be sticking around. Ex got a new girlfriend straight after the split and has been with her for 22 months now. At the beginning the kids struggled a little with this, it was quite soon after the split; my ex did the same thing and didn’t introduce her to them straight away incase it didn’t work out. The kids were recently introduced to her properly, and seem ok with it, although it’s a little awkward for them as she’s a teacher at their school. Anyway.. I certainly wasn’t going to introduce my boyfriend to them when they were in the throes of adjusting to dad’s new girlfriend and going on holiday with her and her kids etc.. it’s a lot for them to take in still. So I’ve kept it as mentioning my boyfriends name quite a bit as a friend and then when im sure the relationship has a solid future, i figured this would make it easier to introduce him to the kids.

Back to last night.. boyfriend was round watching a movie, and at about 9pm we got frisky in my living room and then again in the bedroom and then made some food. My phone was in a different room charging. When I went to get it around 11:15pm , I saw a text from the ex at 11pm saying that (unknown to me), my eldest had had a row with him and had run to mine around 9pm, let himself in and saw me having sex 😣 and had got such a shock he ran back to his dads in his socks(!) and now isn’t wanting to speak to me because he feels lied to. I had NO idea he was even in the house and only found out when I went to get my phone from the other room at 11pm. Ex had also texted at 9pm to say DS had rowed with him and was running to mine but I hadn’t seen this. Ex didn’t appear to have tried to stop DS running to mine.
i immediately tried to get in touch with DS as I could see he was still online, but he said he didn’t want to talk and turned his phone off. He’s really upset. I think the “feeling lied to” is probably because I haven’t introduced my boyfriend to him yet and he feels kept in the dark (which he hated when it happened with my ex’s girlfriend at the beginning of their relationship).

Utterly mortified and need advice how to handle this. I’m so close to DS, and he’s never not wanted to talk before and is obviously very shocked and embarrassed and upset. Help!

So to summarise @mortified48
You left a disastrous marriage with the help from friends via an exit plan.
However, not so disastrous the children aren't doing 50/50.
The children have lost their family home
Their father is having a relationship with one of their teachers so no escape from emotional issues/embarassment
Relationship with their father is testy
Their mother has a new bloke, and the nature of the relationship has been kept secret to the extent mother was found in flagrante after a row with father.

OP, you need to catch onto yourself and start putting your boys front and centre.

My comments may feel harsh but turning back time, my teenage self was your son. The only reason I didn't end up completely off the rails was because I hsd my wonderful grandparents. Still fucked me up for more than ten years. Still hurts and it was over 50 years ago.

You did the right thing not introducing your bf but I’m not sure why you kept having a bf secret and pretended he was a friend. Ds would have been mortified and gone back to dad’s, even if he knew bf because seeing or hearing your parent having sex will always be embarrassing. You didn’t do anything wrong by having sex when ds should have been at dad’s.

I think that there needs to be a discussion about your son running to yours every time he argues with dad. Does he do the same in reverse when he argues with you? Ask him what he’d do if you and dad lived together? What does dad do when they fall out? Is running to yours each time enabling them to not discuss issues in the same way that if you and his dad were together? Does his dad need to react differently to issues and do things like give his son space? I know that dad is an ex so you have little influence but running back to yours isn’t a healthy solution to their relationship issues.

I think that you need to tell ds to ring the doorbell if he comes back early from dad’s unexpectedly in future. That way he won’t see anything he doesn’t want to.

Not sure l agree with the “answer any questions” bit, sorry. The OP is entitled to privacy, not an inquiry.

She really did. If you're not going to read the OP that's fine, but don't comment!

Sorry OP, I have no experience or advice. That's a tough one, but you couldn't have foreseen it!

I don't get this.

Are you sure it's true OP?

You said you got a bit frisky but what does that mean? Totally naked? In bed? Covers on or off?

If you were in the living room or your bedroom you'd see or hear your son arrive home - surely?

If you were in the bedroom was the door wide open?

How did your son witness this?

Are you sure your ex isn't winding you up?

I think any teen aged 14 would hate to see their parent having sex.
Your back story isn't really that relevant.

But I think it's pretty poor form for his dad to be dating on of his teachers- that's worse IMO than your son seeing you in bed with a boyfriend.

This. Hearing your parents having sex at that horribly awkward, formative age is bad enough, but actually seeing your mum shagging a complete stranger will have been shocking and sickening for him. Young teens can have a lot of big emotions around stuff like this, including anger, and I imagine he’s feeling very angry with you.

It sounds like your kids have been through a tsunami of shit in a very short space of time - two years is very fast to have had their whole lives turned upside down, had one of their teachers suddenly become their dad’s girlfriend (WTAF, on her part as well as his?!), and now this. Your eldest is already struggling to manage it all, hence the shuttling back and forth, and now it must feel like he has no safe place nor anyone who’s actually prioritising his needs, poor kid.

I disagree with all the ‘he’ll get over it’ comments. I think you have to tread very carefully with how you handle this. He’ll be dealing with a lot of complex emotions he probably won’t even be able to name, potentially including jealousy/fear of losing his mum, and feeling that his home is no longer a place he wants to be, especially if you’re his closest person and the one he actually opens up to.

You need to tackle it with him when he’s ready, and make sure the clear message you give him is that you’re really sorry, and that his happiness and safety (and his sibling’s) is your first and most important priority. He may lash out at you, and your knee jerk reaction may be to justify and defend yourself, which would be absolutely fair - you’re a single adult woman and completely entitled to privacy, a relationship and a sex life - but I really don’t think that’s the message to be pushing here. He’s still a child, and one who’s already been through a lot.

See this is a far healthier reaction than whatever I’ve seen going on here or OP’s son.

“Your poor boy” as if OP committed a crime.

That's soooo Bonnie Blue !!

Let him breathe. That kind of thing tends to set a teenager off even when it’s their own parents. Once he had time to cool off (and stopped washing his eyes with bleach 😬) sit down (or take him for a drive) with him and have a chat. Explain to him what you have told us about your reasons for keeping this man separate and apologise for what he saw . Hopefully in time things will settle down.

I didn’t hear my niece come in and it was only when I looked over my shoulder in the living room because I felt something that I saw them standing there! Luckily I was only watching telly fully clothed at the time. Kids can be surprisingly stealthy when they want to be.

How exactly?

Did you hear her on LBC yesterday? With Sheila?

Great interview.

I wouldn't have sex bending over the toaster before the school run but not everyone restricts themselves to darkened silent undercover bedroom sex.

He walked in on them unexpectedly and she should apologise????

Lots of people on this thread telling you off for being in the lounge have missed the point that he isn't just a bit mortified at witnessing the sex, he feels lied to. Had you been in the bedroom, he would likely still worked it out or barged in.

He will take a while to calm down. It's great to hear your Ex has stood up for you. Your ds is 14 and was clearly already emotional before he arrived. It is not unreasonable of you to have not told him about your boyfriend before you felt sure. And it's ok to have an adult relationship and have sex that you keep separate from your family life. When he is 16 will he be coming to ask your permission before he has sex? I think all you can so is state that you weren't ready to share with him that the friendship had changed status and you are sorry he witnessed the sex. Then as a pp mentioned discuss some ground rules e.g. he doesn't run away from his Dad's at night, you don't have sex in the lounge.

Come on now, parents have sex, many many children have caught their parents at it by accident (I know I have), he’ll get over the embarrassment and she can just explain why she didn’t tell him he was her boyfriend, maybe apologise about that bit, if she wants to. But ultimately OP has done nothing wrong.

I think the issue here is the somewhat volatile relationship he has with his Dad. The fact he saw you having sex with your fella is embarassing, but nothing more. In households of middle ages, its not uncommon. Get a lock for the door.

It sounds like he has form at the moment for ‘not getting on with people’.
Yes this is mightily embarrassing but he needs to stop flouncing.

I don’t live in the family home, that was sold last year, got my own place now not far from dads own place

So according to your thinking, you have your own place and their dad has his own place.
Where is your son’s ‘own place’ ? Where is his place of security, ownership, comfort and peace?

He didn’t want to be at his dad’s …obviously didn’t feel at home there after a row with him but was persuaded to go back to suit your plans. And then after a second row in the same day, he ran ‘home’ only to find another man in it having sex with his mother, presumably not in the privacy of her own bedroom but on the family sofa, where he and his brother relax to watch tv no doubt.
It wasn’t his safe place after all. That’s a big shock for him.
He was totally unprepared for that to happen.

I think you have a lot of work to do OP, to restore that safe feeling of ‘home’ for your already vulnerable boy after what happened.

You did nothing wrong in starting a new relationship. Indeed you have been very thoughtful and careful about it.

His dad is right in that you deserve to have a life of your own just as he has done.

But you did ..and seemingly from the above sentence you posted, still do uphold the notion that it’s your own home as if that makes a difference to your son having discovered you having sex with a stranger.
Stick to the privacy of your own bedroom in future …with an extra lock on it for when necessary.

Your son will need a lot of love, time with you, understanding and support.
At 14 years old, he should surely have some say about when he visits his dad rather than shifting homes in a pattern that suits his parents.
He deserves a home of his own too.

Good luck OP. This memory will fade in time for you both.

FFS How much woman hating can you see in one post.

It sounds like you’ve been trying so hard to protect him from the truth (that you’ve got a boyfriend) that he now feels lied to - which is fair enough. Better to traumatise them with the truth than with lies! At least then he’s clear on what’s actually going on in your life.

MN loves to blame and assign fault especially to OPs, however there really is not much fault or blame to be assigned here.

That said your son has feelings around this. They are real and they are proportionate to unexpectedly finding his mother shagging a new man.

Hold that you are not at fault but your son is genuinely upset at the same time and deal with the situation with him as he comes to terms with this situation.

He’ll be surprised, embarrassed then I’m sure will see the funny side in the long term, my dc didn’t catch me but found it hilarious that I left incriminating clothing downstairs, were a bit older but not much. It certainly won’t damage him!

Long ago, when l was a late teen (40s now) mum accidentally walked in on me having sex (she knew l was on the pill), boyfriend at the time was mortified, l felt awkward, but we all got over it.

‘Reason l’m mentioning this is to point out in later years the tables could be turned.

And yes, having sex in your own living room is totally acceptable.

I've read a few of these over the years and I find it interesting on a predominately woman's forum how many are so confidently blasé that hell get over it . I've been around locker room chat my entire life heard lots of hilarious tales of lads catching their dads with their new squeeze. Never heard a single one about catching their Mum! Its not a massive double standard its phycological.

It my not be PC but boys hearing or seeing their mums have sex cab be deeply disturbing. I know from experience, The difference here op is that it appears children are more open to talking about it now which is a good thing . I bottled it up (granted it was more than once) and it did greatly affect my relationship with my Mum who to this day doesn't know how it messed me up and is to late for me/us now.

He has seen what he has seen and been brave enough to to tell you and his dad. He is a better man than me and I think that it being out in the open immediately is so much better. He has a lot to deal with and you sound caring and genuinely sorry. You will hopefully both work it out good luck x